My open response to

what’s this you say?

I don’t call?!?! I DON’T CALL?!!??!

I believe I have left you 2 or 3 messages in the past 4 weeks and how many responses have i received? None. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

You are the one cavorting around the country with Mr. Hanes while I am left wondering what hotel you’re shacking up in night after night. I’m cutting the grass, you’re driving cross country. I’m putting my kids to bed, you’re sipping Coors Lights at a bar in Passaic, New Jersey. I’m playing softball, you’re fooling around with the french-milled soap again.

and speaking of softball, it’s a misnomer. the ball isnt soft, and neither is the game. you have to bring it if you want to hack it in our league. When i put on that Saints uniform, and I know I have a game with the Ambassadors or In the Light Ministries, I’ve got enough adrenaline running through my veins to send a whole herd of mastiffs off a cliff. I’m not sure you could even handle being the batboy for our team. so don’t talk to me about softball.

You know how many times derek and i have nearly come to blows because he refused to bring his uber-talented wife up to the keystone state with him. And you want me to believe it’s a coincidence that the first time it occurs, it just so happens to fall on the same night that i have my first doubleheader of the season? You planned this! You worked with the booking agent and the church in York, PA to make this happen. You spoke with the President of our softball league to make sure we were scheduled for a double-dip on that night. You even bribed our catcher to be out of town for the night, leaving us with only 1 substitute.

All i want to know is why? Why did you do it? To make me look like a bad fan, is that why? Were you just trying to turn Derek against me? Did you want Sandra to spit at the mention of my name? Were you trying to make me look bad in front of all the dotnetters that pledge their allegiance to me day after day after day? What was your motive, you yellow-bellied, swine-tickling, Kia-driving, skirt-wearing, Avalon fan? That’s all i want to know…why you did it.

Oh, and when are they coming back. I want to know that too. Because you can be sure that if there is a next time, and I’m willing to bet there will be, that I will be there to enjoy the croonings of the dashing, diminutive, depraved derek and his sensational singer/songwriter sweetheart sandra. i’ll beat you down before the show…enjoy the show…and then beat you some more afterwards just for fun. i am not one to be trifled with.

and please check my team schedule for all future visits to PA…thank you.