“Thank you for calling So-and-So Corp., please listen closely as our menu options have changed.”
If i hear this one more time, i am going to dip my phone in marinara sauce and eat it. What is going on here? Are companies changing their menu options each week? What is this, a high school cafeteria? Clearly their only goal is to force you to listen to the entire recording, because heaven forbid we choose the wrong option or pretend like we already know where we want our call to be directed.
If I owned a company, you’d get a message like this:
“Welcome to Bryan Inc, we trust that since you were compentent enough to pick up a phone and dial our number, chances are you are familiar with how to use a menu system. We are also confident that you realize that a prerequisite to making a choice on the menu is that you actually know where that choice leads. With that being said, have a nice day.
If you would like to speak to Customer Support, please Press 1
If you would like to speak with Technical Support, please Press 2
If you would like to speak with Technical Customers, please Press 3
If you have a Customer Technicality, please Press 4
If you are not calling from a touch-tone phone, please hang up and smash your phone with a ball peen hammer.
If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, don’t be too proud of yourself, we all have them now.
If you can’t undestand this dialect, Press 5
If you like the number 6, Press 6
If you would like to speak to an operator, which we know you do, tough luck.
If you think you should have pressed option ‘2’, Press 7
If you think you should have pressed option ‘7’, it’s too late.
If your question involves the words “malfeasance”, “truncate”, or “proscuitto”, Press 8
For all other deli meats, Press 9.
If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, Press #.
If you enjoy being jerked around, please say “operator” into the mouthpiece until you are transferred.
If you can’t remember why you even called Bryan, Inc, please press *
If none of these menu choices were applicable, please hang up and call back in 10 minutes, as our menu options will probably be changed.