The Sports Guy is running an intern contest, of which I am not a part. But I’d like to play along at home if he doesn’t mind. He pared down the group of finalists from 25 to 16 based on their answers to the question, “If you were running (the fictional) ESPN6, what would you put on the network?”. The intern contestants came up with some pretty good stuff, and it got me thinking. Here’s a few shows I’d like to see.

Bully – the premise is simple: everyone hates bullies. even bullies hate bullies. That’s why they bully, because they don’t want to be bullied. anyway, the show will have 4 main characters, all bullies. A 16-yr old bully, a 23-yr old bully, a 32-yr old bully, and a 60-yr old bully. You’ll get to know and love them throughout the season. Each week we’ll go to a new venue: a high school were a scrawny math nerd always loses his lunch money to the popular jock, a college where some frat guys pick on their tutor, a workplace where an ex-football player likes to punch everyone in the office to impress the secretary, and even a nursing home where the guy with two good legs likes to crack wheelchair jokes at the less mobile. Each week we’ll find a bully who needs a good beating and we’ll provide it. Our bullies will be the best, and each week you’ll feel satisfied that you just spent the last 30 minutes watching our society being improved right before your own eyes.

That’s my baby! This one will make for great TV. You know how you cringed when Ron Artest jumped into the stands to maul a fan? Remember that shocked look on your face when Todd Bertuzzi committed a felony on the ice? Remember how sorry you felt for A-Rod when he slapped Bronson Arroyo’s hand like a little girl? Well, as uncomfortable as those moments made you, just think about how it made their parents feel. Ten times worse. And ESPN6 will bring those reactions right into your living room with That’s my Baby!. You’ll get to relive some of the most horrific moments in sports through the eyes of the parents of the people responsible. We’ll play the tapes over and over again, sometimes in slow motion, until they beg us to turn it off. The pilot episode will feature Randy Moss’s mom shrieking like an eel as he faux-moons the state of Wisconsin and Tonya Harding’s dad breaking down into a ball of mush as he watches Nancy Kerrigan get pummeled by a goon over and over again. good times.

Stacked Deck: What do you get when you cross Celebrity Poker Showdown with Punk’d? Besides the lovechild of Dave Foley and Ashton Kutcher, you get Stacked Deck. We’ll capitalize on the hype that televised poker has taken on and take it to the next level. Each week we’ll host a celebrity poker tournament that appears to be legit on the surface. But watch the mayhem that ensues when Clay Aiken makes a straight on the river to beat Ice Cube 3 hands in a row. You haven’t seen a real poker showdown until you’ve seen Warren Sapp so angry that he’s got Paula Abdul in a Full Nelson. You’d be angry at Paula too if she was playing in your game and got dealt pocket Aces in six straight hands! We stack the deck so that someone looks awfully shady, and then we let nature take it’s course. You’ll never cheat in poker again after this exhilirating half hour of hyjinx!

Teacher’s Lounge: Ever wonder what gets said in the Teacher’s Lounge at your local high school? So did we. So we set up hidden cameras and recorded it all, every last word. But we didnt stop there of course, we wanted to let the students enjoy our footage too. So pop some popcorn and take a seat. You havent lived until you’ve seen a 150-lb English teacher call the school’s starting quarterback a “dumb-as-dirt sissified poser”, only to be confronted about it the next day and wet his pants in front of his whole class. It’s fun for the whole family.

Well, i guess that’s all i got. until next time…