Who Named the Continental Breakfast?

If pain reliever companies were smart, they would hire a slew of people to just go around and create traffic. These people’s main job would be to drive 5 MPH under the speed limit on one-lane roads, cut people off, cause an occasional fender bender on a congested freeway, and do all the other things that tend to give you headaches. There would be an instant increase in demand for Excedrin. I kid you not.

The biggest farce ever perpetrated on the American public? Has to be the weathervane. Think about it. Do we really need to stick a wrought-iron rooster on top of a roof to tell which direction the wind is blowing? What genius was sitting around one day and said, ‘you know, it would sure be a lot easier to tell which direction the wind was coming from if we had a tin chicken on the roof of the barn!’ And besides, why is it so important that we know which direction the wind is blowing anyway? Unless your steering a sailboat or a professional paper airplane flyer, I don’t see why it even matters. The whole thing is utter nonsense.

You know those signs that say “Pass with care”? The funny thing is, the people who are doing the passing are never doing it with care. They are either late, annoyed, or just jerks. Either way, the last thing on their mind is the word ‘care’. Then again, maybe that’s why they put the sign there. Just so they can say I told you so when the guy ends up going off the road to miss a head-on collision with oncoming traffic. The police officer inspecting the carnage can only shake his head and say “Didn’t you see the sign, man?” Just once I want to be on long straight road and come across a sign that says “Pass with reckless abandon and no regard for the sanctity of human life”. Now that would be fun.

Dippin’ Dots. The ice cream of the future huh? Haven’t they been saying that for 15 years now?

Has the “you just passed so-and-so’s deli and restaurant” sign ever worked on anyone? Has anyone ever driven by a restaurant, seen it, made the semi-conscious decision that they were not going to stop and go in, then suddenly a half-mile later seen one of these signs and thought, “What was I thinking?”. Here’s a hint. If I didn’t bother to go in when I was actually there, do you think I’m going to go through the trouble of going back there to go in? Whenever I go past one of these signs I like to agree with it. It’s kinda fun. “‘You just passed Regina’s House of Ammo!’ Yes, that’s right I did. But thanks for reminding me once again that there’s a place I’ll never step foot in under any circumstances.”

Whenever I drive by a barber shop or hair salon and I see someone walking out I am always so tempted to slow down, roll down the window, and make a face at them that says “oooh…are you sure you’re happy with that?” I think if I was 15 all over again I would get a buddy and sit outside of a hair salon all day and make comments like “did you pay full price for that?” or “you might want to go back in and have them doublecheck that” or “hey lady, it didn’t help”.

Office workers out there, here’s the best advice I can give you: keep a slinky at your desk at all times. Is there anything more fun than slinky? Great for fooling with while you’re on the phone, deep in thought, or trying to end a particularly lousy conversation with a talkative coworker. Trust me on this one.

Of the many activities that would suffer a rapid decline in participation in a world without gravity, I think the act of spitting might be one that takes the biggest hit.

I found this on a bottle of Advil the other day: “Alcohol Warning: if you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day, ask your doctor whether you should take ibuprofen or other pain relievers/fever reducers.” Here’s some advice free of charge: if you’re consuming 3 alcoholic drinks EVERY day, you might want to consider asking your doctor something more along the lines of “for future reference, where’s the closest rehab center?”

How come we never hear about last names that are becoming extinct? Isn’t this happening all over the world every day? My uncle was the only boy in his family and he had all girls for children. Suddenly that entire branch of his family tree just died. And since no new last names are being created (at least I don’t think they are. If someone knows otherwise please let me know), won’t eventually everyone have one of a dozen last names. Won’t it whittle itself down like an NCAA tournament bracket? Maybe that’s what explains the Nguyen phenomenon in Vietnam. Why isn’t this kinda stuff being reported?

Have you ever looked closely at Davinci’s Mona Lisa? She’s really quite homely.

OK, let me get this straight. Dentists make money when people come to them with teeth problems. So the better condition everyone’s teeth are in, the less work dentists will have. This would not be a good thing for the dental industry. Well I’ll tell you what. If 4 out of 5 dentists are urging us to use a certain toothpaste, maybe we should stop for a minute and think about what’s happening. You got 5 dentists in a room, all combing through the reports from various toothpaste studies. Finally they find the one they want to endorse. Sure, it’s made with sugar and sand, but hey it means more business right? Meanwhile, the only honest dentist in the bunch is sitting in the corner wondering why everyone else is so keen on a toothpaste containing paint thinner. If 4 out of 5 TV Repairmen recommended you buy Zenith TVs, would you listen? All I’m asking is that we start thinking a little harder about these things.

Finally, can someone please tell me who is responsible for naming the continental breakfast the continental breakfast. What is so continental about it, anyway? You get some stale donuts, some cereal rations, crusty bagels, and room temperature milk. Am I supposed to get excited by this? Is this what they’re serving on other continents? Is that why it’s continental? Because if it is, that explains why I haven’t been to Europe yet. I’m not flying 5000 miles to be served warm orange juice when I wake up.