I tripped and fell and this stuff came out of my ears:
+ There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who like banana runts, and those who hate them. Everyone who claims to be otherwise is living a lie.
+ If “Quietly Descending a Flight of Stairs the Quickest” was an olympic event, I would certainly make it as far as the National Trials, probably making the Olympic Team and winning the bronze.
+ You ever have this happen to you: You learn of a new word or idea for the first time and then for some reason you hear it again 3 times in the next week. This happened to me last week. I had never heard of a ‘P Coat’ before. Once introduced to the concept by my wife, I then heard the term 3 times over the next 4 days. I heard someone use it on TV, at work, on the radio, and I think I even heard my 1-year old daughter say it too.
+ Who’s idea was it to put fake wood paneling on the outside of certain automobiles. The CIA should conduct an investigation into the matter and produce this person to the American Public for a televised sock beating.
+ The more eggs in my fried rice, the better.
+ It still amazes me that aluminum foil doesn’t get hot in the oven. Every time I pull something out of the oven with foil, I always touch it just to see if it still doesn’t hold heat. I’m just waiting for the one time that it burns my finger so I can scream, “I knew it! I knew this didn’t make any sense! It was setting me up for this the whole time!”
+ Ever think of how everything we do revolves around money? We work to get money. We have hobbies, which we do for fun. But the books we read or the guitar we play all cost money. And we bought them off of someone who’s job it is to create these things and sell them to us to make money. Everywhere you go you got people trying to take your money, trying to convince you that you’d rather have an ice cream cone in your hand than $3 in your pocket. People even call your house to try and get you to part with your money for a magazine subscription or a credit card. The cars we drive cost us money, and the gas that powers them cost us money. We can’t even go somewhere without spending money on the fuel it takes to get there. Life is one big greedy money-fest where everyone is trying to take everyone else’s currency. And this paragraph has no point.
+ At the risk of being wrong, I gotta be honest: if Augusta National doesn’t want to let women members into their club, they should have that option. How can we take away the rights of a private organization to do what it wants? If not letting in a woman as a member was as bad as it is being made out to be, wouldn’t that make being a member of the club undesirable? Why would women want to join such a clique? If it was such an outrage, wouldn’t women be turned away from joining such a sexist organization? After all, they are allowed to play there, just not be a member. So what they are doing is fighting for the right to be a member of a private organization that they don’t agree with. That’s my ignorant 2 cents on the matter. I think Augusta National is wrong, but I think they have the right to be wrong.
+ The biggest farce ever perpetrated on the American public is the 10-day forecast. When the 5-day forecast came out years ago, we were all skeptical. After all, some meteorologists couldn’t even predict the weather for the following day. Then they told us they could tell us what would happen at the end of the week. And we believed them. Now you can jump on the internet and get a forecast for thanksgiving night the day before halloween. Believe me folks, they have no idea. There is a computer program that generates random weather reports for each day and makes sure they all match up city to city and we soak it all in like drunk sheep. Don’t believe the farce.
+ I’ve never worked in the food court of a mall, but maybe someone who has can clear this up for me. Is one of the job training sessions you receive before beginning your employment entitled “How to talk about customers with your coworkers in another language so that the customer feels stupid”? If so, I’d really like to commend the guy who teaches these classes because he does a great job.
+ Here’s another energy source that we’re not making full use of: the sneeze. Short bursts of energy flying out of our faces at speeds exceeding 100 miles per hour and you’re telling me we don’t use this for our own good? Think outside the box with me for a minute here. A large crowd of people packed into a room standing in front of a great turbine. We spray a specifically formulated concoction into the room in a fine mist consisting of ground black pepper, feather bits, and of course, sneezing powder. Once those sneezes start flowing, that turbine will start moving, and momentum will kick in. We’ll be lighting a few city blocks in no time flat.
+ My record for catching shrimp flung by a japanese chef at a teppanyaki restaurant (the kind where 12 of you sit around the grill as he cooks for you) is 13 out of 14. My only drop came a few weeks ago when I lost one in the lights on a poor toss. I am still having trouble sleeping because of it. I did come back the other night with a 1 for 1 showing despite a rookie chef making a terrible toss to me. I had to leave the game early with a pulled muscle in my neck. I am listed as day-to-day.
+ And finally, how great would it be to have a translator walking around with you, helping you to properly speak your mind like these foreign athletes have? Someone asks Yao Ming how he feels about playing in the NBA and he gives a 4 syllable response. This is followed up by his translator saying “I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to play in this wonderful league and for the fine citizens of Houston. I pray that my work ethic and large donations to charity will help make this city a better place and bring a championship to the Third Coast”. In reality all he really said was the Chinese equivalent of “I cant wait”. Imagine if we laymen had this resource. You don’t feel like talking with someone on a Monday morning who asks about your weekend so you say “it was good” in some unitelligible language. Your translator then provides a 5 minute dissertation on your search for a wedding gift at the mall on Saturday while you return to your email. Where do I sign up?