ok, it’s been a while since i last rambled, and i got alot of poop to unload…
First, let me start with NBC’s Fear Factor. I can’t think of a game show that i would do worse on. There’s no way this game will continue on for more than 1 more season because FCC regulations and the laws of this country will prohibit it. What do I mean? well, each week it gets more and more disgusting. Remember when Fear Factor debuted? Do a little bungee, lie in a tank of snakes, let a dog chase you in a protective suit…no big deal (ok, i wouldnt do any of this stuff either, but that’s beside the point). Have you seen the show recently? Eating Pig Stomach? Eating Cow brains? It’s almost too much for me to watch. Just thinking about it now turns my stomach. It’s disgusting. So anyway, by next year they will be sucking cow utters and nibbling on the appendages of cadavers and Tom Green will replace Joe Rogan as the host and the show will get canned. At least, that’s what I’m hoping…
Well, baseball started yesterday, and as I’ve said before, I love it. Here’s what gets me. Baseball wants the games to be shorter to appeal to more people. In order to do this without ruining the integrity of the game (as if the game has any integrity left when players and owners are making tons of paper and a strike shortened season looms on the not-so-distant horizon) the MLB has come up with ways to cut out small portions of dead time during a game like shaving off seconds during a pitching change or after a broken bat. Well i got news for you. Your wasting your time. Baseball is a slow-paced game by its nature. There is no clock to hurry people to the line of scrimmage, no shot clock or anything like that. The game is just slow period. Even if it takes 2 hours to play a game, it’s a slow 2 hours. Now, if the Sawx are playing, i can enjoy myself. (or if the Yanks are getting pummeled). But otherwise it’s almost unbearable. Making me watch an entire Padres-Marlins game without a remote control is the equivalent of oral surgery sans novocaine…no thanks. Baseball has to understand that shaving 15 minutes off of their games aint gonna do a whole lot. It’s a slow game, and unfortunately, it’s not very appealing to most of the kids growing up these days. I could ramble more on this but I wont…
The UCONN women’s basketball Team was a perfect 39-0 this season. Impressive. Though as my boy Freim says, “it’s like watching basketball in a foot of water”. The best thing about it all was learning that there is a person in the world named Swin Cash. Could be the best name of all-time. Swin Cash. Just keep saying it over and over. Swin Cash. Is she a rapper? A new scratch ticket from the New Jersey State Lottery Commission? The play currency of a new board game centered around farm animals? Swin Cash…Swin Cash…Swin Cash…
I think I’ve noticed a big oversight not picked up before by the american people. A large resource that has remained untapped. Let me explain…we have 5 digits on each hand. Each one of these digits means something when solely extended. The thumb – it’s a symbol for “ok” or “i like it”. you can even flip it upside down and it means the opposite. Heck, you can even use it to catch a ride when your car gets a flat. It’s a versatile appendage. The pointy finger. When extended it usually means “1” or “we’re number 1”. If turned around and wiggled it can also be used to beckon someone to get closer to you. The middle finger – we all know what this means. Very harsh and abrasive way of saying, “i dont care for you.” The ring finger – used mostly as a child in quick spurts to trick other siblings into thinking you’ve flashed them the middle finger. When accused of swearing, it is often extended more deliberately and accompanied by “nuh-uh, it was my other finger.” This leads us to the pinky finger. Ever extend a pinky finger to someone? No? Well thats because it doesnt mean anything. Folks, this must be changed. Here we have an easy way of communicating with someone and yet it is an untapped resource. I am starting a campaign across America to find an adequate meaning for the raised pinky. I’ll be taking your suggestions if you come up with anything. Right now my early leaders are “Let’s get something to eat”, “I’m interested in a physical relationship with you”, “Can you repeat that?”, or even “it smells like farts”. let’s come together and make all of our lives that much more easier…
Have you ever heard this myth that humans only use 8% of their maximum brain power? Please don’t tell me you believe this. Ladies and Gents, this truly is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. Think about it for a second. If everyone only uses 8% of their brain power, than how can you figure out that there’s 92% not being used? They say Einstein used 12% or something. Well, i dont know how they’re figuring this out, but let’s say that Einstein was the highest ever measured. Well, if noone in history has ever used more brain power, than how can you say there’s 88% more that is not being used! what a farce. If Joe Shmo was the highest ever measured, than I say his brain usage should be the equivalent of 100%. He is the pinnacle of brain usage. Everyone else can be measured up to him. This makes sense, after all, noone has ever used more. Just don’t tell me that there’s 92% of my brain that I’m not using because frankly, I’m not a wasteful person and that would really upset me…
And finally, being the philanthropist that i am, I have devised a way that we can all help care for the homeless. Have you ever gone 4 or 5 dryer loads without cleaning your lint trap? When you finally do, there’s a lot of lint in there, isnt there? I mean, it’s practically like a blanket sometimes. (ding, i heard your light bulb go on). I’m going to start something called “Lint Drive America”. On the first day of every month, special trucks will be coming around to your house and picking up your collection of lint trap excrement. All of the donations from around the country will be pooled together and used to make warm comforters for homeless people. I cant believe noone else has thought of this before. Sometimes i amaze even myself…
that’s all for now…