It’s another exclusive peak into Jack Bauer’s bible (Anti-Terrorist Edition), where he’s scrawled some notes next to one of his favorite Proverbs.

Let’s get right to it…

Proverbs 25:25 “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”

10 other things I, Jack Bauer, can do using only my tongue.

1. Break two bones.

2. Unwrap a Starburst fruit chew in 7 seconds and make an origami pheasant.

3. Summon snakes to come and strangle bad guys by whistling at an ultrasonic frequency too high for even dogs to hear, but just high enough that snakes can detect the vibration through their bellies.

4. Read the entire Bible in Braille without taking a drink of water.

5. Erode rocks and create dazzling ice sculptures.

6. Tie a cherry stem into a double knot, and then spit it out so fast that it will knock you unconscious.

7. Push against the roof of my mouth so hard that I began to cry in pain, then catch all the tears to quench my thirst.

8. Extract my own molar if a tracking device was inserted into a filling while I was knocked out.

9. Crack a sternum and spread the ribs of a man needing open heart surgery if he has information crucial to the survival of innocent American lives.

10. Make a woman fall in love with me with just one kiss.

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If you liked this peak into Jack’s Bible, make sure you check out Jack Bauer is NOT your accountability partner and Psalm 151, A Psalm of Jack Bauer.

Don’t ask me how, but I’ve obtained a copy of Jack Bauer’s bible.

The entire Pentateuch is nearly unreadable because of a bullet lodged between Genesis 1 and Deuteronomy 7, but I was able to read some of the notes he had scribbled throughout the scriptures.

Here’s a sample of what I found scribbled in the margins of two chapters in Proverbs :

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Proverbs 19:24 “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!”

Jack’s Notes – The reason the sluggard doesn’t bring his hand back to his mouth is because I coated the bottom of the dish with homemade krazy glue made from the oil of poison sumac and raccoon saliva. The sluggard now has three options: live with a dish-hand for the rest of his life, rip his own hand off at the wrist, or let me kill him. Regardless of what he chooses, I will kill him.

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Proverbs 10:20 “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Jack’s Notes – “A few years ago in Bosnia I killed a terrorist spy with a banjo string and a bottle of Windex. Being that I was low on cash at the time and not having an intimate knowledge of Bosnia’s organ donation program, I tried to sell his heart on the black market hoping it would cover at least 6 months rent. All I ended up getting for it was a new scarf and 3 pounds of baked ham. The heart of the wicked is of little value, indeed.”

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There’s more where these came from, so let me know if you’d like me to share more.

In fact, if you give me some scripture references from the Bible, I can check to see if Jack made any notes for the that text.

Last month I shared with you a little known piece of the Old Testament, Psalm 151 – A Psalm of Jack Bauer. (Which may or may not be included in the “Secret Agent Bible” being released by ZonderHouse next year.)

This month it’s another snippet from my Old Testament According to Jack Bauer proposal.

Without further ado, I present to you…

Top 10 Reasons you DO NOT want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner.

10. He refuses to speak until he’s patted you down for hidden weapons or wiretaps.

9. Tough to keep his attention when he’s constantly downloading building schematics on his phone.

8. He can’t really sympathize with your “tough week at home with the kids” because he almost died 6 times last week, and actually did die once but was revived by a stray power line that landed in his mouth.

7. He’s got television cameras following him everywhere. And insane terrorists. And the government. And an unlucky daughter.

6. He cancels half of your meetings with text messages like “Sorry cant make mtg. Undercover in Iraqi Prison making a shiv out of stale bread. Breakfast Monday?”

5. He’s always got the scent of danger and B.O. going, and it kind of makes you throw up in your mouth a little if you get too close.

4. Impossible for him to get through a meeting without jamming a needle full of truth serum into the base of your neck, which kind of hurts.

3. Too much yelling.

2. Tough to know how to respond to, “How I’m doing with God? HOW AM I DOING WITH GOD??? I KILLED 18 PEOPLE LAST NIGHT WHO WERE TRYING TO SMUGGLE A DIRTY BOMB INTO MIAMI, AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY FATHER! THAT’S HOW I’M DOING WITH GOD!”

and finally, the #1 reason you do not want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner…

1. When he finds out you’re lying to him…and he will…you’re dead.

Before I ever had the idea to stick characters from The Office into the Old Testament, I thought it would be interesting to do the same with Jack Bauer.

Like the Office idea, nothing has come of this one yet. But some of the stuff I put in the proposal was fun, including this attempt by Jack Bauer at writing his own Psalm.

Let me know what you think.

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Psalm 151

a Psalm of Jack Bauer

1 O God, You are My God, I will seek you earnestly in my hour of need.

2 Though the cable ties cut off circulation to my hands, though they are tied tight enough that I can’t slip away, I will still trust in you.

3 Though I hear voices discussing ways of disposing of my dead body, and I have to say, they’ve got some creative ideas. Yet I will still trust in you.

4 Though they have taken my phone from me, which really ticks me off because I have stuff on there I really can’t afford to lose, I will still trust in you.

5 Though my daughter Kim is in a perilous situation right now involving a mountain lion, a magician, and a vat of anthrax-laced beef stew, still I will trust in you.

6 Though these men are smart enough to have placed moles in high-ranking government positions, yet dumb enough to not have killed me yet, still I will trust in you.

7 And wait, what is this! The broken bone sticking out of my right forearm! It is sharp enough to cut through the plastic of my restraints!

8 As the cable ties drop to the ground, so to do the bloody heads of my captors, and I praise your name!

9 You have delivered me from out of this lair; now please deliver my cell phone back to my pocket. I’ve got building schematics for a hostage rescue on there.

10 And a Scrabble App I paid ten bucks for.

Selah.

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