From the moment I saw this article on CNN.com yesterday, I knew I needed to blog about it. And by “blog about it”, I mean “go through it line by line to call out it’s absurdity”.
3 Things to keep in mind as you read this.
1. The article was well-written, so props to Shanon Cook for doing a good job with it.
2. I am not writing this from some lofty throne of judgment. I have made more mistakes in my marriage than most of you have. This is about what I think is right, even though I admit that I don’t often do what I think is right. Also, I am often wrong.
3. As much as I completely disagree with almost everything in this article, I’m not mad about it. This post was done in fun, so if you want to get mad at me or at the writer or at the premise, that’s up to you.
Okay, with that out of the way, here’s my line by line assessment of this ridiculous treatise of “Negotiated Infidelity”. The original article is in black print, my comments are in blue.
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Sugarbabe Favors Negotiated Infidelity
by Shanon Cook
Could letting your man sleep with another woman help your relationship?
I think they left the word ‘crumble’ off that sentence.
Author and former mistress Holly Hill thinks so.
Oh good, because the two things I look for in someone who gives relationship advice is that A) they’ve written a book and that B) they used to be a mistress.
“One of the main things that I have learned is that a woman that negotiates infidelity with her partner is far more powerful than a woman who is sitting home wondering why he’s late from the office Christmas party,” she says.
Yes, that’s right. Nothing more powerful than a woman who gives her man permission to sleep with other women. And you know what’s REALLY WEAK? Having open lines of communication to discuss things with your man like “how come you were running late from this Christmas party” and “Is there anyone at work you’re in an inappropriate relationship with”.
“It’s better to walk the dog on a leash than let it escape through an unseen hole in the back fence.”
Because as we all know, taking the time to build a strong fence of committed love is just too much work. There will always be holes. And you won’t be able to see them. And men are dogs.
Hill’s memoir, “Sugarbabe” details her yearlong adventure with a series of so-called “sugar daddies.” The book sold 24,000 copies in her native Australia, according to her publisher, and has just been released in the United States. Holly Hill is a pen name.
Because dog-men prefer to be walked on a leash by powerful women who hide behind pen names.
“I thought it was men that would like the book,” she says, “But in fact it’s women, because what it says to women is that if your man cheats on you, he still loves you, and he’s probably running about average.”
I didn’t think it was possible to take a dump on men, women, AND the concept of love in so few words, but she nailed it. Bravo.
Allowing their men to stray is a concept that’s difficult for most women to contemplate.
But don’t let that dissuade you from understanding how amazing it is.
But Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature’s unerring spell on men’s libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she’s OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.
Because as we all know, it’s not the fact that your man is making love to other women that’s the problem, it’s that he’s not telling you all about it.
Oh and while we’re here, “Mother Nature’s unerring spell on men’s libidos”??? I haven’t seen such a blatant attempt to excuse men’s behavior since the first season of Madmen. “Men, your libido is from Mother Nature, and it is unerring and faultless. Therefore you must do what it compels you to do.”
“I think that cheating men are normal,” says Hill. “Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term.”
If she lowers the bar any further, it will bisect the earth’s core.
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Hill says, that of course it’s every woman’s right to refuse to have sex when she’s not in the mood or has a headache. However, expecting men to cope on their own with no outlet whatsoever is shortsighted and cruel, says Hill.
So cruel, in fact, that Taliban leaders have begun teaching the art of “sex withholding” in it’s torture camps. “Waterboarding is cruel,” one of them said, “but withholding sex is shortsighted AND cruel.”
The author, who holds a psychology degree from the University of Southern Queensland, says her experience as a “sugarbabe” taught her some valuable lessons about what drives men to seek sex outside marriage.
The valuable lesson she learned? That sex is what drives men to seek sex outside marriage.
Finding herself in financial dire straits after her married boyfriend unexpectedly dumped her four years ago (he had persuaded her to quit her job and enjoy his financial support as part of “the mistress plan”), she decided to get creative about her employment options.
So let me make sure I got this right: she was broke and brokenhearted because her married boyfriend lied to her and gave her the boot, so she decided to go into glorified prostitution?
Hill, who was 39 at the time, posted an ad online announcing her search for a sugar daddy, someone who would pay her $1,000 a week in exchange for her company, cooking, conversation, massages and, when they desired it, sex. She says the ad attracted 11,000 responses.
Yup, I had it right, just checking.
At the time, Hill says she saw a distinct difference between what she was doing and prostitution.
“I thought that because I was a 24/7 exclusive mistress that I wasn’t part of the world’s oldest profession, but with hindsight I was, because what I was doing … I was charging men for services, part of which included sex,” says Hill.
You mean those guys weren’t shelling out $150 bucks a day to toss around theories on LOST? surprising.
However, she adds, any married woman who no longer loves her husband but continues to have sex with him to retain the comforts of being married could also be considered part of that oldest profession.
So wait, expecting men to wait it out when you have a headache is cruel and having sex with him if you don’t love him is prostitution. Got it.
Most of Hill’s “daddies” were wealthy married men who surprisingly often opted for conversation, she says. While entertaining with red wine and exotic food platters she’d prepare in her Sydney apartment, Hill learned that most of these men sought her attention because they simply weren’t getting enough sex from their wives.
Did you catch that? Most men were saying, “I’m not getting enough sex from my wife, all she wants to do is talk, so I’m going to pay you $1000 a week to talk and not have sex.” #BS
“Men need to get their rocks off,” says Hill. “If a woman crosses her legs for any length of time and doesn’t arrange some sort of alternative for her man, he is going to cheat on her.”
Read that last sentence again, only pretend it’s an enraged Mel Gibson saying it on a recorded phone call. Seriously, do it….Changes things, huh? Funny how she can get away with saying something so insulting .
By alternatives, Hill is referring to her idea of “negotiated infidelity.” That shouldn’t be confused with an open relationship, which to Hill “has no rules.” Nor does it imply that it’s necessary that a wife allow her husband to hop into bed with whomever he chooses — unless of course she’s OK with that. Hill says negotiated infidelity could mean hubby makes a trip to the local strip club for the occasional lap dance or updates his porn collection.
“Honey, these VHS tapes are so 1997. Let’s dip into the ‘Lap Dance’ Budget Envelope to steal a few bucks away for some new DVDs.”
And in no way does it have to be a one-way street.
“Ideally the woman will want to stray as well,” says Hill.
Yes, that is absolutely ideal.
“Some won’t want to because they’re at home taking care of toddlers. But the woman definitely needs to negotiate infidelity as well, especially because that will generate her man’s competitive nature. The more lovers the woman has, the more attraction the man will have for his partner.”
Yes, nothing turns on a man more than the thought of her gunning for Wilt Chamberlain’s record. “Oh honey, knowing you slept with the entire roster of the Phoenix Coyotes last night has made you sexier than EVER!”
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Holly Hill says her boyfriend, Phil Dean, can have sex with other women but he cannot spend the night with them.
You work that leash, girlfriend!
While (Phil) Dean (her boyfriend of two years) has the green light to have sex with other women, he’s not permitted to stay overnight. He also can’t take his lovers away for romantic weekends. And Hill says she’ll have an all-out hissy fit if he spoons another woman.
“Why are you leaving Dean, we just met and had sex?” … “Sorry, my girlfriend has strict rules and won’t let me stay overnight. And please don’t tell her about the spooning.” (yeah, that seems normal.)
Hill, on the other hand, is allowed to spoon her lovers because Dean has no problem with that and recognizes that intimacy is an important part of sex for women. Hill isn’t, however, allowed to wear any of the outfits Dean has bought for her when she meets up with a lover.
“Listen Holly, when that stranger shows up for sexy time with you, you better be completely naked. If I find out you were wearing one of the outfits I bought you, I’m going to be very put out.”
Those rules sound artificial to Marcella Weiner, adjunct professor of Marymount Manhattan College and author of “Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair: A Woman’s Guide to Hope and Healing.”
Marcella Weiner. Perfect.
“Unless you’re totally dead inside of you and have no heart or no brains or no anything — when you’re with another person, you’re with another person,” said Weiner. “It’s not just here’s my penis, here’s your vagina that’s it. It is for some people — but that’s a mechanical kind of thing.”
Seriously though, thank you for finally bringing some sense to this conversation, Mrs. Weiner.
While it may not be for everyone, Hill is optimistic that if more people embraced the idea of negotiated infidelity, cheating could become a thing of the past, leading to fewer divorces and truly happy lifelong relationships.
So if more people cheat, cheating will become a thing of the past.
Or wait, are you saying that “cheating” isn’t getting it on with someone other than your spouse, it’s the fact that you’re hiding it? By this logic, it’s not cheating on a test if you lay your answers out in plain sight for the teacher to see. And hey, that will lead to fewer failed tests and truly happy students.
“We just have to be honest about the way nature created us, and we have to work with nature instead of working against her. This isn’t rocket science. This is what every man already knows and I think what every woman deep down already knows.”
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Alright, that’s my take. I want to hear what you think.
Negotiated Infidelity. Legitimate alternative for committed relationships or crock of crap?