15 Life Lessons from The Bachelorette

Back in May when Tyler and Amy were here for the weekend we watched the season premiere of The Bachelorette together. It was the first time Tyler had seen it, and because the show is so amazing, I knew it would not be the last.

Now that everyone’s going to live happily ever after, Tyler and I thought it would be a good idea to bring things full circle and share some Life Lessons we’ve learned from our viewing experience. I’ll tackle the first half of the list, and he’ll finish things up at his blog.

Life Lesson #1 – A good date must include a hot tub, a picnic, and/or a helicopter ride.

The hot tub I get and Tyler is handling the picnic issue in his post, but what’s up with the helicopter rides? Was this the helicopter industry’s last ditch effort to keep from going under? Instead of buying commercials, they paid off ABC to feature a copter ride in each show?

I’m still not convinced, though. I don’t think an expensive ride in a small, noisy cabin is doing it for me.

Life Lesson #2 – If you were given a nickname in college that related to the untimely release of certain fluids from your body, don’t introduce yourself to a prospective mate with that nickname.

Yes, he did do that.

And no, Shooter never had a chance at winning Ali’s heart.

Life Lesson #3 – The best way to begin a program is to show 3 minutes worth of highlights from the upcoming program.

I can understand teasing a show that will air the next day or next week, but teasing a show before you show it? Hey ABC, are you that worried about viewers losing interest in the first 90 seconds that you have to show everything that’s about to happen?

Not only that, but they often tease the upcoming segment before going to commercial break. By the time a scene actually airs, I’ve already seen it 4 times. Once during the “coming this season” teaser, once during the “coming next week teaser”, once during the “coming up tonight teaser”, and once on the “coming up after the break” teaser. Thanks for ruining every great moment in the show you paranoid mongrels.

Life Lesson #4 – When you meet someone nicknamed “Rated R”, expect the worst.

Bachelor contestant Justin Rego put on a good show for a while, but in the end he was exposed as having 2 girlfriends at home in Toronto, one of which knew he had come on the show solely to become famous.

Perhaps Ali should have delved into the motives behind the “Rated R” nickname a bit more? I mean, calling yourself Rated R is basically saying, “Hi, my name is Justin, but my friends call me ‘Nudity, Violence, and Explicit Language”.

Life Lesson #5 – When you meet someone, and the first thing they do is rip open their shirt to reveal a t-shirt with their professional wrestling name on it, which happens to be ‘Rated R’, expect the worst.

(see Life Lesson #4)

Life Lesson #6 – Have a funny line prepared in the event that you find yourself in a speedo on national television.

Jonathan the weatherman was not prepared, and as a result he blurted out, “You know, I don’t have, like, a huge *blppptt*“.

I’m predicting a cold front and lots of icy days ahead for Jonathan in the extended forecast.

Life Lesson #7 – Don’t go on a competitive reality show if you’re not competitive.

Not to pick on the Weatherman, but every one of his scenes bordered on painful. He was either freaking out about kissing Ali, whining about being picked on by other guys, telling the world he had a small peter, or complaining about not having enough time with Ali.

And then instead of butting into her conversation with some dude to get his own 10 minutes with her (like everyone else does), he asked politely if he could interrupt and got rejected. This is the sport of Bachelorette, you idiot. You don’t ask your competition to give you the ball, you take it.

Life Lesson #8 – All major life decisions should be preceded with a cocktail party in which one gets inebriated.

Ali tells us how this rose ceremony is the most difficult choice she’s ever had to make…while she’s holding her 3rd glass of champagne and giggling like she’s being tickled. Hey, I guess when you’re trying to find your soul mate, the one thing you need to have is impaired judgment. Who knew?

Come to think of it, it’s rare to ever see a scene on this show where someone isn’t drinking. They say alcohol is the lubricant of society, and I suppose it makes sense on a show like this where you’re asking people to speed up the normal dating process by a factor of 100.

Imagine if they did “The Bachelorette: Dry Edition” with no alcohol involved?

Hate to say it, but MOST. BORING. SHOW. EVER.

Tyler’s got Life Lesson #9 through #15 on his blog, so head over there to finish the list.

And be sure to add your own life lessons to my comments or his.