Noah’s Ark According to The Office

Earlier this year I was talking to a publisher about an idea that revolved around sticking characters from The Office into Old Testament stories.

In the end, the Publisher backed out with concerns that the project was too ephemeral, which, while frustrating, was probably true.

While this idea might not be able to carry a whole book, I figured that the blog would be a great place to share one of the sample pieces from the proposal…so here you go.

Noah’s Ark According to The Office

Michael: “Alright people, listen up. God just told me we are supposed to build an ark because he is going to destroy the earth with a flood. He’s only going to save two of every animal and the employees here at Dundler Mifflin in Scranton, because I am such a great leader.”

Jim: “Did he say that last part, or did you make it up?”

Michael: “He implied it.”

Toby: “Wait, God’s going to wipe out the whole earth? Michael, that’s terrible!”

Michael: “No Toby, what’s terrible is that you will be on the ark with us, sucking up valuable oxygen that could have been used to save a second pair of hamsters. But, God insisted.”

Andy: “Well, give me a hammer and call me Roberto Vila. I am ready to build, boss man.”

Jim: “Wait, are we building this boat ourselves? Or are we hiring people to build it who … actually know how to build a boat?”

Dwight: “Please Halpert, I can build a boat with my eyes closed. I once built a miniature scale replica of Hogwart’s Castle for my pet wolverine. Made it out of toothpicks and badger feces.”

Jim: “Exactly.”

Michael: “Yes, we will be building the boat. But fear not, because God has given me the blueprints. And based on my extensive carpentry experience, I’d say we should be done in a few months.”

…100 years later, the boat is finished.

Excerpts from the ark’s journal:

Dwight – Day 5
Teambuilding activities are such a joke. Had I been allowed to build this ark myself it would have taken 100 days instead of 100 years. Have you seen Phyllis swing a hammer? That woman has the muscle definition of a bag of yogurt. Thankfully I used the extra time to build a series of secret passageways that connect every room in this ship. Sleep with one eye open, people.

Jim – Day 7
Pam and I built our own bedroom together, which was kind of cool. Except for the part when I found Dwight’s secret passageway into our room, which was beyond creepy. So I spent the next few weeks rerouting the tunnel to lead into the crap hole. That’s going to be a fun day.

Creed – Day 33
I watched two jackals make love today. Hadn’t seen that in years.

Kevin – Day 33
The jackal sex was like watching the end of a Hot Dog eating contest. Gross, but awesome! (eats hot dog)

Michael – Day 75
Stanley told me if I pull the Titanic thing one more time, he’s going to throw me overboard. I don’t know what he has against Leo DiCaprio. He must have a thing for Kate Winslet.

Stanley – Day 75
Today was the 75th day in a row Michael has climbed up on the front of the boat and shouted “I’m the King of the Earth!” Forget the flood. The real miracle is that I haven’t killed him yet.