Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.
If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.
Week 3 features 16 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, we’ll briefly touch ’em all.
About last night – Falcons 55, Buccaneers 14 – did we learn anything?
3 Things We Learned Last Night
1. We learned that Devin Hester is the best kick returner in the history of the game.
2. We learned that this Bucs team is still searching for an identity. Surely not having Gerald McCoy in the lineup wasn’t THAT much of a loss, was it? (Also, #FREEMIKEGLENNON)
3. We learned that Carlos Whittaker revels in the misfortunes of others.
Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.
The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment
1. Seattle – Super Bowl Rematch!!!
2. Denver – Super Bowl Rematch!!!
3. Cincinnati – Impressive on both sides of the ball.
4. New England – Back to form and doing it with defense.
5. Philadelphia – Best 2nd half team in the world, but games are 4 quarters.
6. San Diego – Their results are catching up with their confidence.
7. Carolina – Rebuilt secondaries and receiving core MUCH better than advertised.
If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?
The Relegation Zone
30. St. Louis / Tampa Bay – Who’s down for a Jeff Fisher and Lovie Smith Coach Swap!
31. New York Giants – Second best New York team in almost every facet.
32. Oakland – Abysmal.
And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.
The Amish Country Picture/Video of the Week
Saw this book for sale at a little stand near the finish line of the Bird-In-Hand Half Marathon a couple weeks ago.
This title BARELY edged out the second place title, which was “Be the Reason Your Child Gets Very Sick.”
And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?
If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week
None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.
Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.
The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week
1. Denver at Seattle – No-brainer, right? Denver is going to want to save face so stinking bad, but dealing with Seattle coming off a loss at home? Good luck with that.
2. San Diego at Buffalo – I was so very wrong about Buffalo, but I’m still not sure I was wrong about E.J. Manuel. It’s just that the Bills defense hasn’t skipped a beat from last year despite a few changes. Buffalo can’t go to 3-0, can they?
3. Green Bay at Detroit – There’s a chance the Packers aren’t as good as some of us thought they were, and there’s a chance their offensive line gets exposed in Detroit on Sunday. Aaron Rodgers is great when he’s standing up, but on his back his QBR is like, zero. If the Lions win, this division is coming down to Week 17.
Those are great games! I love football! There’s no way it could be better, right?
The “Football Could Be Better” Rule Change of the Week
I hereby decree that all personal foul calls be reviewed by someone in New York in a 60-second max window. Horse-Collars, Helmet-to-Helmet hits, Breathing on the QB, all of them.
These 15-yard calls can change the game so much, like we saw in Indy on Monday night with the phantom horse collar. Let’s take an extra 5 minutes a game to get them right. We can even sponsor the 60-second clock and eliminate 5 minutes of commercials because TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!
TD Celebration of the Week That Shouldn’t Be a Penalty
You know how guys are usually extremely winded after running back a kickoff for a TD? Or a 90-yard interception return? I’d like to see a celebration where the guy gets to the end zone and then collapses like he’s playing dead. Just lies there, stiff as a board. Then his teammates can all pretend to be EMTs and 3-on-a-side, carry him off the field on a pretend stretcher. This would be great, no?
Now, I know what you’re thinking, but who has ever died running back a kickoff? No one. There’s no risk here, and everything in the world to gain. And by “everything”, I mean a light chuckle.
Which three games are the least appealing to you, oh great and powerful Schnoz?
The Schnoz’s 3 Least Favorite Games This Week
1. Kansas City at Miami – Is Ryan Tannehill above average or terrible? I feel like we need to make our minds up about this at some point this season because I’m tired of going back and forth.
2. Houston at New York Giants – Maybe I’m slightly interested to see if Houston can go to 3-0, but c’mon. Oakland, Washington, and the Giants? Who’s next for the Texans, the cast of Grown-Ups 2? No wonder Houston’s schedule was ranked easiest in the league before the season.
3. Dallas at St. Louis – This Rams team is so forgettable that I forgot what I was going to write about this game. I did love this tweet from a Football Outsiders writer this week. Making fun of Brian Schottenheimer’s offense is fun! And accurate!
1st-&-10, let's have 3 receivers within 3 yds of line of scrimmage. Brian Schottenheimer, everyone. pic.twitter.com/wGfDuCPRtu
— Vincent Verhei (@FO_VVerhei) September 18, 2014
Oh, we almost forgot to mention this week’s sponsor,
This Week’s Sponsor of the Crystal Schnoz Precap
McDonald’s – Apparently they’re giving out free coffee from now until September 29th?
The Crystal Schnoz is all about free coffee, even if it’s from McDonald’s.
On a related note, the Schnoz is not a coffee snob and never wants to be one on principle alone. Yes, he drinks coffee everyday, and yes, he has his favorites. But c’mon people, this whole “ugh, i would never drink THEIR coffee” mentality is a bit much, don’t you think?
For those who don’t agree, let’s fight behind the dumpster after school.
Let’s quickly mention the other games.
Quick Mentions of the Other Games
Baltimore at Cleveland – Great matchup of Ravens O vs. Browns’ D. Field goal game.
Tennessee at Cincinnati – If you’re #3 in my power rankings, you best win at home, son.
Indianapolis at Jacksonville – Start Bortles already!
Minnesota at New Orleans – Angry 0-2 Saints finally at home. Expect 50 points.
Oakland at New England – biggest spread of year (14.5 pts) and for good reason.
Washington at Philadelphia – If Kirk Cousins’ wins this game it’s his job forever.
San Francisco at Arizona – Floss everyday people. It’s more important than this game.
Pittsburgh at Carolina – Panthers are making me a believer, should win this home night game.
Chicago at New York Jets – One fan base will walk away very disappointed. I like the Jets to win.
By the way, how did your predictions do last week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions From Last Week
I went 0-3, of course. (Now 0-6 on the year)
1. The NFC East goes 1-3 this week. LOSS!
2. LeSean McCoy leads the league in rushing yards this week. LOSS!
3. In the 8 Inter-Conference games this week the NFC goes 5-3. LOSS!
What about for this week?
Schnoz Bold Predictions For This Week
1. Both Manning brothers lose by more than 7 points.
2. The AFC West goes 1-3 this week.
3. NO, GB, and IND combine to score more than 100 points.
Enjoy the games, everyone!