NFL2014 Crystal Schnoz Week 1 Precap

Welcome to another edition of the Crystal Schnoz NFL Precaps, a weekly column where the Schnoz looks ahead to all the games played between two professional football teams in which they try to score more points than each other while wearing cool helmets.

If you’ve wandered here by accident, federal law requires you to read this entire post before exiting. Skimming – while not technically illegal – is greatly frowned upon.

Week 1 features 16 games, including one that was played last night! And yes, We’ll briefly touch ’em all.

About last night – Seahawks 36, Packers 16 – did we learn anything?

3 Things We Learned Last Night

1. We learned that Percy Harvin, when healthy, is an amazing weapon. Darrell Bevell used him on bubble screens, jet sweeps, and cloud slaps extremely effectively. And yes, maybe I made up one of those three terms, but shouldn’t there by a play called a “cloud slap”? Let’s get on that.

2. We learned that the Packers offensive line depth is thinner than Ryan Gosling after a master cleanse. If you can’t keep your QB upright, you might as well stick Aaron Sorkin back there under center. (Imagine how wordy Aaron Sorkin’s play calls would be in the huddle? They’d set the season record for ‘Delay of Game’ calls in the first quarter.)

3. We learned that if the playoffs started right now, the Seahawks would be clear cut favorites. No question. BUT, they don’t start until January, which is four months away. A lot can happen in four months, so don’t put a chair out on the Championship Parade route yet. (But man, they looked amazing.)

Before we look at this week’s matchups, can we see The Schnoz’s power rankings.

The Top 7 Teams in the League at This Very Moment

1. Seattle – The Champs are back and picking up where they left off. Comfortably #1.
2. Denver – No Welker for a month, but still the class of the Conference.
3. New Orleans – The Schnoz’s pick to win it all this year.
4. New England – Talent where it matters most and an improved D.
5. Green Bay – Toughest game on their schedule is in the rear view.
6. Philadelphia – Will winning a cupcake division lead to a playoff run or early exit?
7. San Diego – Best offense in 2013 outside of Denver, can they improve on defense?

If the NFL relegated teams like the Premier League, which 3 would be in the most trouble?

The Relegation Zone

30. Buffalo – Too many changes on defense, not enough changes on offense.
31. St. Louis – Fantastic front seven, but you need to score to win.
32. Oakland – Weak roster and the league’s toughest schedule.

And in an attempt to keep the non-football demographic engaged, we offer you this.

The Amish Country Picture of the Week

I’ve lived in Amish Country for over 15 years and I still don’t know what meat bingo is.

Is it regular bingo where the prizes are large slabs of meat? Do you play with huge bingo cards and instead of chips you cover your numbers with slices of deli meat? Instead of numbers on your bingo card, is it meats instead? “B-Prosciutto. B-Prosciutto.” … “O-Soppressata. O-Soppressata.” Bingo!!!

I have no idea what meat bingo is. Here’s to another 15 years of blissful ignorance.

And now back to football. If you could only watch one game this week, it would be?

If the Schnoz Could Only Watch One Game This Week

None. If you’re limiting me to one game, I won’t watch any. You’re not the boss of me.

Fine, we get it. Let’s cover all the games.

The Schnoz’s 3 Favorite Games This Week

1. New England at Miami – I picked the Dolphins as a wild card team, and a win in the opener would probably cause me to dislocate my arm patting myself on the back. New England will be prepared, tough spot for the Dolphins.

2. New Orleans at Atlanta – I picked the Saints to win it all, so I’m anxious to see how they look out of the gate. There’s not a lot of love for the Falcons this year, and a home win against the division favorite would be huge.

3. San Francisco at Dallas – One of these teams is going to start their season 1-0 despite the regression chatter this off-season. Will either defense step up or will this be a 77-70 game?

Those are great games! I love football! There’s no way it could be better, right?

The “Football Could Be Better” Rule Change of the Week

Can we please get rid of the 15-yard penalties for excessive touchdown celebrations? I’ve been beating this drum for years, but enough already.

Did you watch the World Cup? What’s better than an entire team celebrating a goal together? Let these guys get creative. Let them plan out dances, skits, and human videos. Let them use props. Let them eat cake. (No seriously, shoving cake through a facemask would be totes hilar.)

In protest of the excessive celebration flag I’ll be suggesting a new excessive celebration each week. Take THAT, NFL!

TD Celebration of the Week That Shouldn’t Be a Penalty

The Ice Bucket Challenge TD – Too easy, but c’mon, it’s perfect. Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown on Sunday, runs over to a cheerleader, and gets a bucket of ice on his head? Then after the game he announces a charitable donation? It’s a no-brainer.

Are we losing the sports-haters again? Fine, more pictures!

The Non-Amish Country Picture of the Week

Best Sign Ever.

Which three games are the least appealing to you, oh great and powerful Schnoz?

The Schnoz’s 3 Least Favorite Games This Week

1. Washington at Houston – As a general rule I never get excited for a game involving Ryan Fitzpatrick. It has yet to let me down.

2. Oakland at New York Jets – In the history of Fantasy Football no Week 1 game has been less relevant than this one. If it means a lot to your fantasy team, I’m sorry.

3. Tennessee at Kansas City – Such a boring matchup, this is the sentence I went with.

Oh, we almost forgot to mention this week’s sponsor!,

This Week’s Sponsor of the Crystal Schnoz Precap

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Let’s quickly mention the other games.

Quick Mentions of the Other Games

Buffalo at Chicago – If EJ Manuel can’t beat this defense, forget it.
Cincinnati at Baltimore – Will Flacco thrive in this Kubiak offense?
Cleveland at Pittsburgh – More camera shots of Manziel than Hoyer.
Jacksonville at Philadephia – If only Blake Bortles was starting.
Minnesota at St. Louis – If only Teddy Bridgewater was starting.
Carolina at Tampa Bay – Cam’s ribs will be the story, win or lose.
Indianapolis at Denver – Manning can finally shake his Seahawks nightmares.
New York Giants at Detroit – Tom Coughlin vs. Jim Caldwell staring contest, go!
San Diego at Arizona – 10:15pm start time. Record and watch it with breakfast.

By the way, how did your predictions do last week?

Schnoz Predictions From Last Week

I didn’t have any last week you big dummy, this is Week 1.

What about for this week?

Schnoz Predictions For This Week

1. Chicago beats Buffalo and covers the -6.5.

2. The Titans/Chiefs game goes OVER the 43.5 points.

3. The AFC West goes 3-1 this week.

Enjoy the games, everyone!