Proof of Idiocy, Volume 1

Someday the police may show up at my door, put me in cuffs, and haul me away. The charges? Being an idiot.

And when I face of jury of 12 of my peers, this is the evidence they will use against me.

Proof of Idiocy, Vol. 1

Exhibit A – The Speed-Up

Sometimes at work if there’s someone about 10-20 feet behind me in the hallway, I will turn a corner and speed up very fast for about 8 seconds while i am out of that person’s view.

Then I slow back down to my normal pace so that when my coworker turns the same corner and sees me 30 feet in front of him (instead of 20), but still walking at the same pace he saw me at before i turned the corner, he says to himself, “How is Bryan that much further ahead of me right now when he and I have both been walking at the same speed?”

I have done this probably five hundred times before, and I am still waiting for someone to stop me and say,

“Hey, something has been bothering me from earlier this morning. Remember when you were walking in front of me and all of a sudden you were a lot further in front of me than you were before you turned the corner? Was that magic or something?”

And then I’ll say, “Look, don’t tell anyone about this. I have a gift.”

And then I’ll walk away really fast like I just robbed a bank wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.

It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. It’s so much fun blowing people’s minds.

Exhibit B – The Security Camera Mystery

Sometimes when I’m walking through the parking lot to enter Wal-Mart or Home Depot I’ll remember that I’m being taped by security cameras and I’ll do something that doesn’t make any sense like march in a zig-zag pattern or walk back and forth from my car to the front doors 4 times or just stop and stand there for 3 minutes like a statue.

Here’s why: in the unlikely event that later that night someone I know is murdered and I am a possible suspect, I want investigators to check the security footage to corroborate my alibi and wonder about my strange behavior.

I want to be watching 48 Hours Mystery one day and have the narrator say:

But what WAS Bryan Allain doing at that Home Depot on the night of January 17th? Security footage from the store parking lot shows Allain slithering on the ground like a snake for 30 seconds before pulling a fake gun out of his pocket and pretending to shoot the tires out of a black 2003 Nissan Altima. Was he mentally preparing himself for what was to happen later that night or is he just a mentally unstable person?

Admit it, that would be amazing.

Big brother is always watching. Might as well give him a show.