Notes from Jack Bauer’s Bible

(I took this post from a few years ago and wrote more material for it last night. Chances are it’s new to you.)

Don’t ask me how, but I’ve obtained a copy of Jack Bauer’s bible.

The entire Pentateuch is nearly unreadable because of a bullet lodged between Genesis 1 and Deuteronomy 7, but I was able to read some of the notes he had scribbled throughout the scriptures.

Here’s 3 Notes I found scribbled in the margins of his tattered Old Testament :

Proverbs 19:24 “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!”

Jack’s Notes – The reason the sluggard doesn’t bring his hand back to his mouth is because I coated the bottom of the dish with homemade krazy glue made from the oil of poison sumac and raccoon saliva. The sluggard now has three options: live with a dish-hand for the rest of his life, rip his own hand off at the wrist, or let me kill him. Regardless of what he chooses, I will kill him.

1 Samuel 31:4 “…but his armor bearer was afraid and would not do it. So Saul took his own sword and fell on it.”

Jack’s Notes – I’ve done this eight times.

Proverbs 10:20 “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Jack’s Notes – “A few years ago in Bosnia I killed a terrorist spy with a banjo string and a bottle of Windex. Being that I was low on cash at the time and not having an intimate knowledge of Bosnia’s organ donation program, I tried to sell his heart on the black market hoping it would cover at least 6 months rent. All I ended up getting for it was a new scarf and 3 pounds of baked ham. The heart of the wicked is of little value, indeed.”