Random Theory #108 – Kiosk Goatees

Have you ever noticed that 85% of all male employees working at mobile phone kiosks in the mall have a goatee or some other type of facial hair?

(You probably haven’t, but I have because I’m a moron.)

Seriously though, it’s true.

And here’s why:

1. The guys who work there are forced to dress up. Most kiosk workers wear designer jeans and scream at you to come put some foolish lotion on your hands. Get away from me, slick. The Electric cigarette dude gets to wear a t-shirt and the Rosetta Stone chick looks like she just woke up from a Sunday nap. Heck, even the bath tub fitter guy can get away with a sweater and vest combo from Old Navy.

But not the mobile phone guys. They’re the only ones who have to dress up. Tucked in button-downs, neck-ties, and khaki pants. And they freaking hate it.

2. Why do they hate it? Because they’re selling mobile phones. Look, I’m not picking on cellphone salesmen here, but allow me to generalize and say that these are typically not stodgy bookworms who spent hours in the library reading about macroeconomics and dissecting the works of Keats. They hock the latest piece of crap from Nokia in a 6×6 waist-high cage for $12.75 an hour. These are not dudes who like dressing up. (and for the record, i hate dressing up just as much, so I’m right with them.)

3. The facial hair is the only way they can show some personal flair. It’s their way of expressing themselves, and if they play their Gillette Fusion right, they can make you forget that they look like a department store mannequin.

Didn’t notice that guy was wearing pleated khakis from Land’s End? Of course you didn’t, you were mesmerized by his chinstrap beard.

And what about that other guy’s neck-tie? You mean the guy with the goatee mustache that was thinner than fettuccine? Didn’t even realize he had one on.


So that’s my theory.

85% of male cell phone kiosk workers sport facial hair to take attention away from the dress clothes they are being forced to wear. The next time you’re at the mall, see for yourself and report back in.

Agree? Disagree? Want the last 5 minutes of your life back?

Better yet, if you’ve got any crazy notions bouncing around your head, give us one of your random theories.