The 15 Worst Opening Lines from your Guest Speaker

I had a great time speaking in Western Nebraska this past weekend to the high schoolers at Fall Fling 2010. Thanks again to Alex, Isaiah, and everyone else for having me.

And if I’m ever out speaking in YOUR neck of the woods, I promise not to open with any of these gems.

1. “Wow, from up here you guys look like a bunch of hypocritical sin clowns. ”

2. “This is the only sentence I’ll be speaking to you today folks, the rest of this 45-minute message on Lamentations will be mimed, starting NOW.

3. “It’s a bit warm in here, would you mind if I took my pants off? You would? Oh well, too late.”

4. “Not sure there are 25 ways that the Christian walk is like Justin Bieber’s career? Well listen up baby, baby, baby oh baby, because in the next 2 hours I’m going to make you all Beliebers.”

5. “Phew. A LOT of hot women in this church, guys. Are you kidding me? Stumble Alert! Stumble Alert!”

6. “And now, Psalm 119 in latin…and then in pig latin…and then in pig oinks”

7. “What did Jesus scrawl in the sand before saying ‘Go and sin no more’? Today I’ll explain why I believe he wrote down my website address, and why you should buy my book.”

8. “Before we get started, am I the only one who’s still fuming about last night’s episode of The Hills? Freaking Audrina…get over Justin Bobby already.”

9. “As I open up to the book of Romans, could I get everyone who believes in predestination to sit on my left and everyone who believes that the predestination people are crazy to sit on my right?”

10. “”I bring you warmest greetings from Osama and the rest of my Taliban peeps.”

12. “No idea if God is real or not, but my ability to communicate definitely is. Here we go!”

11. “If you’re wondering if I’m going to be an effective speaker this morning, allow me to quote the Gospel of Anchorman. My messages are like Brian Fantana’s Sex Panther cologne. 60% of the time, they work every time.”

13.  “So, I was praying to The Prince of Darkness last night after another successful Ouija board session, and he told me he LOVES this church. Like, definitely in his Top 5.”

14. “The Good News is, I’ve spoken hundreds of messages before so you are in the hands of an experienced speaker. The bad news is, all of those messages were delivered to the bloodied carcasses of people I had just killed with my bare hands.”

15. “Hi, my name is Bryan Allain.”

Okay, your turn.

(All I ask is that you don’t go vulgar ’cause that’s too easy…and I’ll delete it.)

Give me a terrible opening line from a guest speaker.