5 More Things I Learned At the Beach

Back in May our family went to Myrtle Beach and I gave you the 7 Shadiest People at the Beach (a piece that almost got me killed by the Metal Detector Lovers of America Club).

Last week we took our final family vacation of the year in Bethany Beach, DE and I realized I had a few more beach-related items to hash out.

5 More Things I Learned at the Beach

1. Anything that’s buried at least 3 inches in the sand ceases to exist

At least, that’s how it works in my head.

I finished off an apple at the beach and needed a place to dispose of the core. Then I remembered that 3 inches under the sand is the world’s biggest trash can. I could drop the apple core into the little hole my foot had been making and no one would ever know it existed.

Once you cover it up with sand, it’s like a black hole.*

2. Bikinis are underwear

I mean really, people, let’s be honest. We can all continue on pretending that there’s some significant difference between underwear and bikinis, but we all know the truth. Am I supposed to believe that replacing some of the cotton in underwear with a spandex material makes that big a difference?**

Imagine if female aliens came to earth and wanted to wear underwear onto the beach and you had to explain to them why they couldn’t. Good luck with that. Also, good luck talking to a half-naked alien.

3. If we’re on the beach together, we are allowed to yell at each other

I would never yell at strangers in real life…that’s not how i roll. But man, I was THIS CLOSE to yelling at a 12-year old girl the other day. She was throwing french fries in the sand to attract seagulls, and then throwing them on her friend so the birds would attack her. This angered me for 3 reasons.

a) I felt bad for her friend, who was petrified of the seagulls

b) I felt bad for the people right around her, who were dodging seagull turds

c) I felt bad for me, because i was trying to read and her friend kept shrieking in horror at a high volume.***

The only reason I didn’t yell over at her to “KNOCK IT OFF!” was because she ran out of fries before I ran out of patience. But the lesson was learned. If we’re sharing a beach, I have every right to tell you off.

4. Lifeguards are the easiest people to love and hate in the world

I mean, they save people’s lives, so I do love them for that.****

But they’re all tan and buff and strutty and stereotypical. And did the one guy really have to put the white sun block all over his nose? Felt like he was trying to be Zack Morris from the season where they worked for Leon Carosi at the Maliu Sands Beach Club.

5. There’s no better place to pee your pants

You can pee your pants at the beach and get away with it 85% of the time, every time.

If your bathing suit is already soaked, you’re fine. Just don’t let people see the yellow drips.

If you’re laying in the sun, just roll onto your stomach and pee into the sand. (I’ve never done this, but it seems reasonable).

If you’re already in the water, you’re definitely fine.*****

Point is, everyone is walking around with wet shorts. So go ahead, urinate with reckless abandon.

*I do not support the discarding of anything that will not biodegrade, like plastic bottles, busted flip flops, or your friend’s car keys.

**I realize that when wet, underwear definitely acts differently than a bathing suit, so I won’t argue that. But most of these bikini wearers up here on the East Coast never get in the water anyway.

***Been reading Chuck Klosterman’s “Eating the Dinosaur” and really enjoying it. Love the way his brain works and the way he writes. Great stuff on sports, music, and pop culture.

****CRAZY WAVES at the beach on our last day. They must have ran in and pulled out at least 5 people during the 2 hours we were there.

*****Are you an “I Pee in the Ocean” person? Let us know, and why or why not you are.

If you’ve learned anything about the beach this summer, please share your wisdom with us.