The Exodus as told by The Office, Pt III

…continued from Part I and Part II.


  • Michael Scott as Moses
  • Dwight Schrute as Aaron
  • Ryan Howard as Joshua
  • Andy Bernard as Sr. Pharaoh of Egypt
  • Erin Kemper as Caleb the Spy
  • Jim, Stanley, Kevin, Angela, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed, and Pam as the Grumbling Israelites.

The Exodus, Pt III

After their dramatic comeback softball win against the Amalekites, God tells Michael that He wants to set the Israelites apart as His special people. God descends into a dense cloud on Mt. Sinai and tells Michael and Ryan to come meet Him.

God: Listen up everyone. These are the 10 Commandments of The Office:

  1. I’m the boss.
  2. Don’t put up a picture of some other boss in your office.
  3. Don’t make jokes about me behind my back.
  4. No working on Sundays.
  5. Don’t make fun of your co-workers mama.
  6. No intra-office killing sprees.
  7. Don’t lust after your co-workers.
  8. Don’t steal office supplies.
  9. Don’t gossip or lie about the people you work with.
  10. Don’t waste your time wishing for that corner office or bigger salary.

Oscar: Where you going Kevin?

Kevin: I gotta go change. God’s voice was really loud, I think I sharted.

Angela: What’s the matter Kevin, freaked out because you know you’ve already broken all the commandments?

Phyllis: What’s the matter Angela, NOT freaked out because you have no soul?

Dwight: Don’t be ridiculous Phyllis, every human is made up of the same four components: body, mind, soul, and fear. Except for Schrutes, of course, who through the years have slowly turned the fear component into mastery of the Force.

Michael: Okay, that’s enough LOST talk. Listen, I’ll handle the communication with God, you guys just chill out here and don’t do anything stupid until I get back.

Michael and Ryan go up on the mountain, but only Michael heads to the top where God is dwelling in the dense cloud. He stays there 40 days and 40 nights as God gives him intricate plans for the relaunching of the company and granite tablets containing the company’s new Credo.

Meanwhile, the Israelites got a bit restless waiting for Michael to come back.

Meredith: I think Michael’s dead.

Creed: If he is, I’ve got dibs on his liver.

Dwight: Ooh, I call his appendix and adam’s apple.

Jim: Guys, we don’t know for sure that Michael’s dead. Remember that time he went AWOL for3 weeks because he was trying to break the skee ball record at Chuck E. Cheese?

Oscar: Yeah, remember that winter he spent at Sandals in Mexico working under the name Miguel Scottez? With Michael anything is possible.

Dwight: No, Meredith is right. Michael probably is dead, which means we’ve got no one to assign us work.

Stanley: And the problem is?

Dwight: The problem is an office without a boss is like a chicken without a head: fun for a few minutes, but only one person gets to eat the eyes.

Pam: That’s disgusting.

Oscar: Look, somebody needs to step up and figure out a plan.

Phyllis: Yeah, Bob and I read Lord of the Flies last month, I know how crazy people can get. We’re probably only 10 minutes away from Meredith ripping off all her clothes.

Jim: We’re always 10 minutes away from Meredith ripping off all her clothes.

Meredith: Actually, 17 seconds is my record, but if anyone has a stopwatch we can give it a shot.

Jim: I’m good, thanks.

Dwight: Listen up everyone, I’m declaring Marshall Law. We have no choice but to form a new company. Throw your ideas into this basket and I”ll combine the best ideas into one giant new company.

Dwight melts down all the ideas he receives and the next day announces the Grand Opening of the new company, Kittens, Beets, and Kevin Loves M&Ms. In the new company’s first team-building exercise, they make a logo for their new company out of the manna toast God has been providing.

Back up on the mountain…

God: Michael, your employees are out of control. They’ve already forgotten about me and have started their own company selling chocolate covered beets. I’m sorry, but I’m going to lay them all off.

Michael: No, no, no. Listen, they’re just a little lost without me there. Ryan and I are headed down now to see what’s going on.

Ryan: Michael, do you hear that? It sounds like the company is being looted by a gang of trombone-playing Aborigines.

Michael: Are they having an Office Party without me? UNBELIEVABLE!

When Michael sees that they’re celebrating without him he becomes enraged with jealousy. He smashes the granite Credo on the ground and destroys the new company toast logo into tiny pieces and makes the Israelites eat the crumbs, which is fine by Kevin (who has returned with clean underwear) because he’s famished.

Michael: Dwight, what’s going on here?

Dwight: I’m sorry Michael. I tried to stop them but they insisted on creating a new company so they could utilize the diligent work ethic you instilled in them over the years.

Stanley: Never said that.

Michael: But a new company, Dwight? How could you?

Dwight: These people are crazy, Michael, you know that. It was either this or break all of their necks, and you know how I feel about hurting people without Mose. It just doesn’t feel right.

Michael: Alright, enough Dwight. Listen up everyone. Whoever wants to move forward with our old company, now is the time to show your loyalty. Everyone else can pack up your things and leave immediately. There will be a security guard in the hallway to escort you out and kill you with a samurai sword. Toby, why don’t you go out there and get him warmed up.

Stay tuned for the final chapter…And here it is, Part 4.