Few things have had more of a comedic influence on me than Seinfeld. Chances are if you’re between the age of 21 and 51 and you like to laugh, you might agree.
In it’s run from 1989 to 1998, 180 episodes were aired, and of those 180 all of my favorites are from Season 5, which aired during my senior year of high school. You didn’t ask, but I’m going to give them to you anyway…
Episode #67 ” The Glasses” – George needs new glasses. He goes to see Kramer’s optometrist friend for a 30% discount. Elaine is bitten by a dog and thinks she may have rabies. George buys woman’s glasses. Kramer accidentally jars Jerry’s giant new air conditioner loose from the windowsill, and it falls to the sidewalk, crushing the same dog which had early bitten Elaine.
Elaine: You know George, that’s an onion.
George (eating it): Yes it is.
Elaine: He can’t tell an onion from an apple and he’s your eye witness.
Jerry: I don’t know what to believe! You’re eatin’ onions, you’re spottin’ dimes, I don’t know what the hell’s goin’ on!
Episode #69 “The Bris” – A mental patient at the hospital suicidally jumps from the roof and lands on George’s car. Kramer becomes convinced that he has seen a “pigman”. Elaine and Jerry agree to become godparents to the newborn baby, and have to book a Mohel and hold the baby during the circumcision. At the bris, Elaine’s unstable, shaky Mohel accidentally circumcizes Jerry’s finger.
George: I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around and suddenly I’m looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, “Hey at least he’s no pig-man!”
Episode #85 “The Hamptons” – Kramer finds a lobster trap, everyone sees George’s girlfriend topless except George, and George tries to explain shrinkage to Jerry’s girlfriend. Elaine is thrilled to be termed “breathtaking” by a doctor until she finds he ascribes the same nickname to the ugly baby. George gets revenge on Rachel by tricking her into eating lobster.
George: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming… afterwards…
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.
Episode #86 “The Opposite” – George has good luck when he does the complete opposite of his instincts. Elaine ruins her relationship by eating jujyfruits after an accident. Jerry is dubbed “Even Steven”. Kramer spits coffee all over Kathie Lee, which quickly ends his “Coffee Table book about Coffee Tables” book tour.
George : I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was –
George : Day was –
Elaine : Night.
George : Yes!
Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?
George : Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he’s gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it’s all happening because I’m completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I’ve ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
Episode #78 “The Marine Biologist” – Jerry tells Elaine the novel War and Peace was originally called War, What is it Good For? Kramer practices his driving skills by hitting Titleist golf balls into the ocean. Jerry meets a female friend from college, and claims that George is a marine biologist. George, who now is expecting a call from her, is upset because he prefers to lie about being an architect.
George : The sea was angry that day, my friends… Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out, and suddenly…the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot! As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, “Easy, big fella!” And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him! Face to face with the blowhole! I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction! (George pulls an object out of his coat – the one golf ball that Kramer managed to hit into the ocean. Jerry and Elaine stare in astonishment. Kramer looks a little sheepish.)
Kramer: (In disbelief) What, is that a Titleist?
Kramer: Hole in one, huh?
If you need help remembering some of them, click here for a cheat sheet…
What about your favorite character? I always have been, and always will be, a George Costanza guy.