How I Roll: Condiment Edition

Welcome to the third installment of How I Roll, a feature where I go into great detail explaining my quirks regarding things you couldn’t care less about.

(Previous How I Rolls: Personal Hygiene Edition and Eating Lunch at Work Edition)

Today we’re going to talk about condiments, because this is my blog and if I want to devote an entire day to condiments, then I will.

My Top 5 Favorite Condiments (in no particular order)

Spicy Mayo -Most of my favorite sushi rolls involve this delightful sauce, and I also enjoy it on a sub or sandwich.

Ketchup – Here’s my rules for ketchup: a MUST for burgers, an OPTION for fries, and NEVER NEVER NEVER with eggs.

Salsa – Is this a condiment? I think so. You can’t really just eat salsa for a meal. I prefer mine red in color, mild or medium, and more saucy and less chunky.

Gravy – Without it, Thanksgiving dinner is just a better-than-average meal. With it, it’s one of the highlights of my year.

Melted Butter – Elevates the majesty of crab, shrimp, and lobster the way Pippen elevated Jordan’s career to another level.

My Top 5 LEAST Favorite Condiments (in no particular order)

Relish -I relish the thought that I’ll never put this nasty stuff on any food I eat.

Vinegar – Not only am I incapable of drinking it, but I can’t stand it on fries, popcorn, or salad.

Hot Sauce – No thanks, I actually like to taste my food.

(this could also be a perfect statement for Tyler Stanton’s “I already know a lot about you game”: “If you try to impress me with your tolerance of ultra-hot hot sauces…I already know a lot about you”)

Mustard – Unquestionably one of the most vile substances on earth.

A1 Steak Sauce – Let’s take one of the best tasting foods in the world and cover in it a vinegary-based sauce that looks like used motor oil!

Most Qverrated Condiment

Ranch Dressing – sorry y’all, I just can’t get into this creamy elixir. I think what frightens me most about it is that it goes on EVERYTHING. At some point you gotta wonder what kinda funky voodoo is happening when you’re putting the same sauce on your fries, salad, pizza, and carrot sticks.

Most Underrated Condiment

Melted Velveeta– We all know it is the most important component of ultimate cheesy salsa, but I think we’re only scratching the surface with what Velveeta can do for us. What is velveeta anyway? Is it cheese or a cheese product? Wait…don’t tell me, it might ruin the fun.

Okay, your turn. What are the favorite and least favorite condiments in your life