Just got back yesterday from an amazing 5-day vacation with the wife of my youth. Other than the time we spent at the airport, we had a blast. (we were running late on our flight out and running too early on our flight home.)
During my time at the airport and on the flights, I noticed a few people who seem to show up on every trip. Perhaps you’ve encountered them before?
The 5 People You Meet in Air Travel
The Lazy Security Lady
She’s the first person in the security line that you encounter and she has only one job. Make sure that you, your boarding pass, and your ID match up.
I’m still not sure how Erica got by her holding MY boarding pass, but needless to say she was a bit embarrassed when Erica realized it and called her out on it.
I guess she figured the next security guy would catch it? Or maybe they only check last names in West Palm Beach. Security FAIL.
The Guy on the Airport Golf Cart
Give this guy a horn and a 20 horsepower engine and suddenly he thinks he’s Julius Caesar. Make way for the king, make way!!!
Look, I realize it’s not easy to drive through the foot traffic of an airport terminal, but do you have to be such a jerk about it? You drive right up behind people and then lay on your horn until they move. And when they turn around to see who it is they’re moving for, you don’t give them the “sorry to inconvenience you but I have to drive by” face, you give them the “you’re lucky I didn’t run you over because you’re a useless waste of a soul” face.
The Flight Attendant Charade Player
Nobody pays attention to the flight attendants when they go over the safety stuff, but if you happen to look up from your book, you might notice at least one of them is not really showing you what to do in case of an emergency.
- He doesn’t want to put the mask on, he just pulls back on the elastic.
- He doesn’t show you how to blow into the air tube to inflate your vest, he just flicks it.
- He doesn’t point to the emergency exits on the air plane, he just waves his arms like he’s wafting a fart.
- He doesn’t show you how to buckle your seat belt, he just holds up both ends and rolls his eyes as if to say, “if you don’t know how to buckle this, I hope we crash and you’re the only one who dies”.
I can’t really blame him. I’d probably mail it in if I had to go through something similar a few times a day at work.
The Small Bladder Guy
You’ll recognize this guy from two specific behaviors:
1. When the crew tells you that portable electronic devices are now permitted, he thinks this suddenly means you can take your seat belt off and break dance in the aisle. He immediately gets up to make a charge for the bathroom, only to be stopped in his tracks by a crew member, who was waiting for Small Bladder Guy to jump the gun. “The Captain has not yet turned off the fasten your seat belt sign, so you may not use the lavatories at this time, Small Bladder Guy. Sit down and hold it.”
2. Once the Seat Belt sign DOES go off, Small Bladder Guy is already out of his seat and halfway down the aisle like he’s being chased by a bear. Did he drink a gallon of water after he checked his bags or is his bladder the size of a kiwi?
The Loud Pilot
I understand if you’re bored up there in the cockpit and need someone to talk to. That’s fine. Jump on the radio and tell us our altitude and how we’re going to get to the gate 15 minutes ahead of schedule. Knock yourself out. But can we please, for the love of hammers and anvils, turn the volume down a few notches on the loud speaker?
Is there a law I don’t know about that requires everyone on board to be woken up from their nap every 20 minutes? If so, can you bring me a copy of it, as well as a napkin to clean up the blood that’s dripping from my shattered ear drums?
It would literally be more tolerable if you came out of the cockpit, walked right up to me, and screamed our estimated arrival time right into my face. At least then I could smack you in the forehead for waking up the baby in the row behind me.
If any of you have had similar experiences, or if you’ve identified other people who show up on every air travel experience, let us know about it in the comments…