Ramblings: Things To Do Before Getting Amnesia

An abbreviated Ramblings for your Christmas Eve enjoyment…

Ever see someone you know in Blockbuster Video? You say “hi”, and then you walk around the store paranoid that they’re keeping an eye on you to see what you’re going to rent. The thing is…they are watching you. And they can’t wait to see what you rent so they can tell all their friends about you and your terrible movie selections.

My favorite aisle in the supermarket? Gotta be the cereal aisle. Brings me back to when I was a kid. Apple Jacks…Fruit Loops…Lucky Charms…BooBerry…Fruity Pebbles…it was like fantasy island. It was literally the aisle of fantasy. Every form and flavor of sugar you could ever want, all small enough to fit on your teaspoon*. If only our parents let us eat sugary cereals every meal like we wanted to. We’d all be twice as big with rotten teeth.

*by the way, cereal MUST be eaten with a teaspoon. If you eat cereal with a tablespoon, speak up so I can mock you publicly.

The only thing annoying about pre-paying for gas is “the crawl”. You pre-pay $20 in gas and when the pump gets to about $19.75, it sllooowwwwsssss dooooowwwwnnnnn. This is especially aggravating in the winter when it’s 20 degrees outside and the wind is whipping through the pump bay so hard that your ears feel like swiss army knives digging into your skull. The good pumps don’t start the crawl until there’s about 15 cents left. The worst of the bunch get into the crawl with 50 cents left to go. I haven’t done it yet, but whenever I hit one of these long-crawling gas pumps I’m tempted to just put the pump back in the cradle and let somebody else crawl out the free pint of gas.

Note To Self: never rent a Mall kiosk during the holidays to set up an author book signing. That author I walked by yesterday looked like the loneliest man in the world.

Please don’t use the expression “Tis the season” unless you can provide me with an a decent explanation of what the word ’tis’ means. I don’t even need an accurate explanation…any explanation will do really. I don’t ask for much.

The second-worst feeling in the world is that second or two right after you bite down hard on your lip or your tongue. You know you’ve been there. The worst feeling in the world? When you bite the same spot again ten minutes later.

I’ve always despised the nickel for not having ridges on its edge like the quarter or the dime. I find it acceptable for the penny to be smooth, but I expect more out of my 5-cent piece.

If I knew I was going to get amnesia tomorrow, here’s what I would do:

+ write myself a note explaining that I had amnesia, which is why I had no memory
+ put together a photo album so I knew who my friends and family were
+ write another note detailing how I don’t like to eat and enjoy working out with free weights, in hopes I can trick myself into having an amazing body.
+ Finally, and most importantly, I would hide a bunch of $20 bills all over my house. Finding them would provide me with countless unexpected happy moments for years and years.

I’ll try to post a few Christmas pics this weekend, and I’ll be back on Monday, ready to bring the fresh.