once in a while i think of something mean (yet mostly harmless) to do to someone else that makes me laugh. i laugh because usually it’s funny, and i laugh because i know i would never ever carry it out.
After spending my lunch hour at the mall doing some christmas shopping, (yes, now that Christmas is officially less than 10 full days away, i can begin shopping…its my single digit rule..i never christmas shop until there’s less than 240 hours until december 25th…sue me for being dumb) i thought i’d share some christmas spirit with everyone and offer up this list of grinch-like things to do to other people that aren’t necessarily that nice.
3 Harmless, yet evil, things to do to people if you are meaner than I am
1. “Barber Shop” – I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about this one before, but I’ve always thought it would be fun to hang out outside a hair salon and make negative comments about people’s hair as they are leaving. Think about it, when are you more vulnerable than when you’ve just got your haircut? Noone has seen it yet, and while you think you like it, you’re really not sure if they did a good job or not.
To pull this one off, just stand outside the hair salon and make comments to people as they walk out. It’s better if you come up with your own, but here’s a few to start you off:
- “Ooooh, did they make you pay for that?”
- “Did they not have time to finish?”
- “Ouch…i guess you got the new girl, huh?”
- “It should grow out in a few weeks, right?”
- “Let me guess, next stop: Lids”
- “Excuse me, ma’am, there’s a stray cat on your head”
- “People have lost lives over haircuts that were better than that.”
- “Please tell me you lost a bet or something?”
- “Hey, Donald Trump called. He said ‘you win’.”
2. “Parking Spot” – You know how the mall gets really crowded around the holidays and oftentimes you spend more than 10 minutes trying to find a spot in the same zip code as the mall entrance? Well, this plays off of that frustrating experience. As we all know, the best way to find a spot in these circumstances is to be a “follower”. You idle in your car by the mall entrance and follow someone out to their car. Then you wait with your turn signal on until they pull out and open up the spot for you. Do they get annoyed because you’re following them and it puts pressure on them to rush? Of course. But deep down they understand that you just want to park your stinking car and get inside.
Here’s how you pull of “Parking Spot”. Walk out of the mall with a couple of bags in your hand. Make eye contact with a “follower” looking to take your parking spot. Give them some affirmation in the form of a nod or a finger point to let them know that you’re ok with them following you. Lead them out deep into the parking lot, walking a bit slower than you normally would, and then stop. With a puzzled look on your face worthy of an Oscar nomination, start to twirl around as if you can’t find your car. Walk aimlessly from row to row, and make it appear that you are getting frustrated. (If you need inspiration, take a look at the driver following you, who will probably be getting ticked off). Let this play out for a minute or so, and then stop all of a sudden. Look into one of your bags, rifle around in it frantically as if you left something in the mall, and then proceed to run back into the mall as if you left your wallet in a store, laughing to yourself the entire time.
This can be repeated as many times as you like, just make sure that the driver doesnt catch you pulling it on someone else or you might find yourself in a holiday fistfight.
3. “Santa Claus” – This is a risky one that will never end well. Stand next to the “Pictures with Santa” area and pull out your cellphone. Pretend you are having a conversation with your wife or significant other. Make sure there are plenty of children within earshot. Speak loudly and repeat after me: “Yeah, bad news. (pause) The kids found the Christmas gifts this morning. (pause). I know, they were pretty upset. (pause) What else could i tell them? I wasnt going to keep lying. (pause) No, I just said that Santa wasn’t real, that there used to be a guy named Nick who gave out presents hundreds of years ago, and that kids all over the world are lied to year after year by their gift-giving parents.(pause then raise your voice) I HAD TO TELL THEM. SANTA’S NOT REAL. HE’S NOT REAL! (pause) look, i gotta run.” Then walk away as you leave little kids crying in your wake, just be aware that there’s probably an angry parent ready to rip you a new one, so walk fast.
(note: i don’t condone cruelty to children of course, so this is posted in jest. But if you really want to open up this can of worms, i’ll go toe to toe with you on how ridiculous it is that we lie to our kids about santa. it probably has to do with the fact that i never believed in santa growing up, but i just think the whole thing is dumb. maybe the cruel ones here are the ones who lie to their kids for 8 years, forcing their whole world to come crashing down around them when the older kids at school start talking about the “dumb kids who still believe in santa”.)
we’re mailing out our christmas cards next week, by the way. folks will actually get them before the new year this year. ho ho ho.