Why Didn't I Do This Years Ago?

Wow, it’s been a long time since my last rant. I guess I was just spent for a while there. But I’m back, and I’ve got a few things to get off my chest…

Is there anything more exciting than an election year? To answer that question, yes, there are officially 74,693 things more exciting than an election year. (Number 74,693 is finding a dime on the sidewalk, by the way.) What I love about election years, and every November for that matter, is the enormous amount of political placards strewn about the lawns of your local neighborhood. What gets me about these things is that there’s no catchy phrase on them, no list of issues, no reason why I should vote for that person. Just the name. Greg Fernchomper for Senate, Julie McDooly for Town Clerk, Fay Gay for Treasurer. Why only the name? Because they know that it’s all they need to put. It’s ridiculous if you think about it, but there’s hordes of people each year who step into the voting booth knowing nothing about any of the candidates, only how many times they’ve seen their name on a green and white poster stuck in someone’s flower bed. Sure, lots of people vote along party lines, and there are some out there who are educated in the politics of the candidates. But the rest of them, they look at the names, recognize one, and pull the lever. Exactly what our forefathers had hoped for, I’m sure.

Speaking of politics, has anyone in the recent political landscape risen and fallen faster than Howard Dean? The same week that he makes the cover of Rolling Stone, he lets out a squeal of glee that sinks him faster than a marble in a bathtub. And speaking of Rolling Stone, you know someone got fired for that cover choice. Ten years from now when they run an anniversary issue featuring covers from the past, you can count on the magazine editor losing a few hours of sleep over whether or not to slap a picture of Outkast on there instead of Dean. I’ll be checking to make sure they don’t.

You know what complaint I get tired of hearing? Perhaps you’ve heard this too. “I don’t even know why I have this cellphone. I’m trying to get away from it all and now people can reach me wherever I am.” Hey genius, there’s this new feature that they’ve just added to cellphones. It’s called an ‘Off’ button. When you don’t want to get any calls, you can now turn your cellphone off and people can’t reach you! I know, it’s amazing. What will they think of next? So next time you don’t feel like being bothered, turn your phone off and keep your whining to yourself.

Boy, the alarm clock really put the rooster out of business, didn’t it? I mean, before alarm clocks we were completely at the mercy of the rooster. It was either that or let your body sleep until it was ready to get up. You ever try sleeping through a rooster wake up call? Well, me either, but I bet they’re really tough to sleep through. And the worst part of it all is that noone has the heart to tell the rooster that we don’t need him anymore. He just keeps on with the cock-a-doodle-doos like we’re all amish or something. At this point in civilization we eat the chickens, get eggs from the hens, and the rooster is pretty much useless. All it’s good for these days is posing for country decorating knick-knacks.

Come to think of it, if the rooster was so good at waking us all up, then why don’t we have a ‘rooster’ option on our alarm clocks? Why wake up to some annoying morning show when you can get a clucking rooster cock-a-doodling in your ear at 6am? Where can I sign up for that?

On a related note, I saw the other day that over 70 million Americans are sleep deprived. Apparently, the consequences of inadequate sleep include lack of focus, irritability, frustration and impulsive and emotional behavior. Those are traits no one wants to have. So here’s what I’m proposing. Let’s get rid of all the alarm clocks (yes, and roosters too). We’ll all sleep as much as we need, and no longer deprive our bodies of the shut-eye it so desperately craves. Now I realize that nothing will ever get done because everyone will be working on a different schedule, but will it really matter? We’ll all be too well rested to care.

There are two types of people in this world, those who wear green on St.Patrick’s Day, and those who don’t.

Why is it that whenever someone does something blasphemous or wrong, people joke around about God striking them with lightning? When was that precedent ever set? I’m no biblical scholar, but I don’t believe God ever used lighting to kill someone in the Bible. Besides, lighting strikes only kill about 80 people a year in the U.S. whereas something like horse-related injuries kill over 200 people a year. So maybe next time someone does something wrong, instead of saying “watch out for the lightning bolt!” say something like “Ride ‘em cowboy!”

Why is Larry King Live? Why isn’t he Larry King Taped? Does anyone really care that he’s live? I certainly don’t. Tape it a few hours early Larry, that way your editors can take some time to splice in some good video footage and we don’t have to look at your mug for an hour.

What is the origin of the expression “he’s going to eat us out of house and home”? Can someone please explain to me what this means? I understand that if someone quite literally did not stop eating, that eventually the cost of the food alone would cause you to miss mortgage payments and lose your house to the bank. So now you have no house, I’m with you to this point. But the home too? Can someone actually eat so much that it will break up the very bonds of the family unit? Might the very fibers of love that hold our families together be torn asunder by an insatiable hunger? I’m gonna say no. And I’m gonna ask you to never use this cliche again, just for me.

While we’re on the topic of eating, is it any wonder that we’re the most obese nation in history with all of “all you can eat” specials these days. How foolish is this. Pay one price, eat as much as you like. The very idea itself automatically makes you want to stuff your face. Anyone who goes for the all you can eat special is thinking about one thing only, “how much can I eat?” Because the more you eat, the better the deal you got. So now we got 340 pound teenagers walking out of Ponderosa going, “Hey Bill, do you realize I ate so many chicken legs that they only cost me 7 cents each?” If I was king of the world I would immediately outlaw the “all you can eat” special. ‘A portion for every meal’ would be my motto. In fact, I would make the phrase “All you can eat” a cuss word. It would be the equivalent of “Screw You!” Someone would cut you off in traffic and you’d scream out the window at them, “Hey buddy, All You Can Eat!” He’d yell back “Bottomless Fries, you Jerk!”

I love Extreme Makeover on ABC. They take these really homely people and make them look like someone else. It’s fascinating to watch. My favorite part is the day after their surgery. Most of these people get about 17 surgeries performed in one big operative marathon that stretches out for 8 hours. Eyes, nose, lips, facelift, implants, tummy tuck, and dental work all in one day. The next day they look like they were run over by a tractor trailer truck while being eaten by a shark. Let’s put it this way, if Dr. Kevorkian made a house call the day after those surgeries, his profit margin would be rising like Bruce Springsteen. The worst part of those shows is the liposuction. Do you see how forceful they are getting all that fat out. It’s like they’re literally scraping it off the skin and into a jar. And why is the jar always clear. We know how disgusting fat looks, it’s fat. It looks gross when its underneath the skin, never mind when its plopped into a empty mayonnaise jar.

Sometimes I think I might grow my hair out really long and ratty for a few years just so I can cut it and say to myself “Wow, why didn’t I do this years ago?” I’ve always wanted to say that.