If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

My buddy Geof emailed me last night and said:

“Taco Smell was not designed to be consumed by men over 30. Discuss.”

Feeling inspired by the home of the fourth meal, I had a Top Ten List for him 20 minutes later.

And now, through the magic of the intertubes, I share it with you:

Top 10 Reasons Taco Bell Should Not Be Consumed By Men over 30

10. Their crunchy taco shells biodegrade slower than a plastic grocery bag full of styrofoam peanuts.

9. Many of us are married, and we actually enjoy sleeping in the same room as our wives.

8. We have good jobs now, so buying 5 or 6 items off the menu finally makes financial sense. Unfortunately, it’s still digestive suicide.

7. Anything involving the words “triple” and “steak” will go through you faster than a hot knife through hummus.

6. Over 90% of the items on the menu feature enough to cheese to satisfy your recommended daily allowance for the next 3 weeks.

5. Some of us are still trying to digest the chicken soft tacos we ate in 1995.

4. We’ve learned from experience that the difference between the Nachos Supreme and the Nachos Bellgrande is about 8 squares of Charmin Ultra.

3. Two Words: Volcano Taco

2. They got rid of the “yo quiero taco bell” dog!

..and the #1 reason Taco Bell should not be consumed by men over 30…

1. “Gordita Baja” in English means: “Catastrophic Bowel Movement”

Now get out there and make a run for the border!

Tags: Taco Bell, Top Ten List

It’s been a while since I last rambled…here’s some of the random things that have been rolling around in my frontal lobe…

+ Why is it in every TV drama about High School, the “hip” teacher is always an English Lit teacher? Ever notice that? It’s never the geometry teacher that the kids are running to for support. The cute girl in the cast never develops a crush on the Physics teacher. It’s always the English teacher, and he always hands out cool writing assignments and gives edgy book recommendations. He almost always has some form of shortly trimmed facial hair (goattee, beard, sideburns), he often is wearing glasses, and his hair is usually wavy. My English teachers were never that cool. (Then again, my physics teacher couldn’t have been more of a doofus…so maybe I’m proving my own point.)

This has been going on for years. Remember when Tony Crane substituted for Mrs. Simpson during the first season of Saved By The Bell? His wavy hair had the girls going gaga:

And almost 20 years later, here’s the guy who played the role of “Hip New Teacher” on Friday Night Lights (notice the light beard):

OK, that’s enough discussion on hip teachers…moving on…

+ I drove by a gas station yesterday that is selling regular unleaded for $3.65/gallon and it brought me legitimate joy. Funny how relative your perspective on something like gas prices can be. Eight years ago I would have been fuming if I had to pay more than $1.50.

+ You’ll never catch me watching a daytime talk show, but I do have to say I love the “before and after” makeover segments they sometimes show. Who doesn’t love these? Isn’t it great to see someone jump up a couple points on the hotness scale in a few hours? Even if it’s from a 2 to a 4, it still gives hope to the rest of us that even if we are too lazy to do something about improving our appearance, it’s just nice to know that the potential is there. The other thing I love about talk show makeovers is you know there’s no way these people are going to be able to replicate that look once they get back into their normal routine. They’ll be wearing the same frumpy clothes from before, pulling their hair back, and caking on the wrong makeup. But hey, they’ll have the video of their shining moment on Maury forever.

+ Now that everyone carries around a cellphone, the watch is almost strictly a fashion accessory at this point right? I mean, the last thing I need on my wrist is the time of day. I’ve got it on my computer, on the wall, and in my pocket on my cellphone. I think we need to put something else on our watches…some information more valuable than what time it is. Maybe the temperature? I don’t know, I think it would be nice to know what the temperature is at any moment (although…my cellphone can do that too). Or how about your pulse? your weight and percent body fat? How close you are to the nearest coffee shop? Those things would be more valuable, in my opinion.

Or maybe we need to think even further outside the box. Maybe you could make the face of the watch out of candy, so folks who needed a sweet fix but don’t feel like finding a vending machine could be satiated. They could just lick their watch (although, once you put your hands in your pockets, your watch would probably turn into a lint lollipop). Better yet, the watch could hold a few ounces of espresso. So when 3pm rolls around and you’re about to fall asleep at your desk, just suck down some of your watch juice and you’re good to go. Hm, I think I’m on to something here.

+ A trip to the dentist last week reminded me how nonsensical this whole oral anesthetic thing is. I go in to get one cavity filled and he shoots Novocaine into my gums. 10 minutes later he’s in there drilling, and frankly, i can still feel what’s going on a little too much. Would it have killed him to have waited a few more minutes? Next thing I know, he’s done, and my mouth is still getting number. At this point I’m driving home and half my face has no feeling at all. I could rest the right side of my face against a hot stove top and not feel a thing. 6 HOURS LATER and my lips are still tingling! Here’s a graphical representation of the experience:

There’s got to be a better way to do this.

+ Have you seen these commercials for the Perfect Push-Up? Of course you have. Your arms rotate while you do the push-up, which is the same motion as throwing a punch! Great! That will come in handy for all those fistfights I get into now that I’m an adult! But the kicker to me is when they try to sell me on the product based on the fact that it was invented by a Navy Seal. This is supposed to make me want to buy their product more? Now, I realize Navy Seals are in good shape with all the training they do, but does that make them qualified to design an exercise device for me? I had no idea that Navy Seal training involved engineering of physical fitness equipment. Maybe they think we’re supposed to assume that Navy Seals can design great exercise equipment because they are in such great shape? If that’s the case, maybe I should try designing a car since I spend so much time driving in one. “This car is specifically engineered and designed by Bryan Allain, who drives ALOT!!!” Not only that, but aren’t Navy Seals known for enduring some of the most grueling conditions and training regimens out there? All I want to do is get a bigger upper body. I’m not planning on performing any covert missions in Bosnia any time soon. This marketing campaign is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the American public. I’m gonna have to pass on this one.

+ Finally, am I the only one who has hangups about certain foods that date all the way back to childhood? Take blue cheese. Up until yesterday I had gone my entire life without eating it because I thought it probably tasted like mold. I’ve seen mold on cheese before and it was kinda greenish-blue. Yesterday I told a co-worker I didn’t like blue cheese, and when he asked why I said, “I don’t know. Actually, I’ve never tried it.” The look of disgust he gave me was enough motivation for me to give it a try on my buffalo chicken wrap, and you know what? it wasn’t that bad at all. Kinda good actually. So my question to you is, Is there a food out there that you tell people you don’t like, but secretly you’ve never tried it? Let us know what it is. AND bonus points if you actually try it in the next 10 days. I dare you.

once in a while i think of something mean (yet mostly harmless) to do to someone else that makes me laugh. i laugh because usually it’s funny, and i laugh because i know i would never ever carry it out.

After spending my lunch hour at the mall doing some christmas shopping, (yes, now that Christmas is officially less than 10 full days away, i can begin shopping…its my single digit rule..i never christmas shop until there’s less than 240 hours until december 25th…sue me for being dumb) i thought i’d share some christmas spirit with everyone and offer up this list of grinch-like things to do to other people that aren’t necessarily that nice.

3 Harmless, yet evil, things to do to people if you are meaner than I am

1. “Barber Shop” - I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about this one before, but I’ve always thought it would be fun to hang out outside a hair salon and make negative comments about people’s hair as they are leaving. Think about it, when are you more vulnerable than when you’ve just got your haircut? Noone has seen it yet, and while you think you like it, you’re really not sure if they did a good job or not.

To pull this one off, just stand outside the hair salon and make comments to people as they walk out. It’s better if you come up with your own, but here’s a few to start you off:

• “Ooooh, did they make you pay for that?”
• “Did they not have time to finish?”
• “Ouch…i guess you got the new girl, huh?”
• “Wow…just…wow”
• “It should grow out in a few weeks, right?”
• “Let me guess, next stop: Lids”
• “Excuse me, ma’am, there’s a stray cat on your head”
• “People have lost lives over haircuts that were better than that.”
• “Please tell me you lost a bet or something?”
• “Hey, Donald Trump called. He said ‘you win’.”

2. “Parking Spot” - You know how the mall gets really crowded around the holidays and oftentimes you spend more than 10 minutes trying to find a spot in the same zip code as the mall entrance? Well, this plays off of that frustrating experience. As we all know, the best way to find a spot in these circumstances is to be a “follower”. You idle in your car by the mall entrance and follow someone out to their car. Then you wait with your turn signal on until they pull out and open up the spot for you. Do they get annoyed because you’re following them and it puts pressure on them to rush? Of course. But deep down they understand that you just want to park your stinking car and get inside.

Here’s how you pull of “Parking Spot”. Walk out of the mall with a couple of bags in your hand. Make eye contact with a “follower” looking to take your parking spot. Give them some affirmation in the form of a nod or a finger point to let them know that you’re ok with them following you. Lead them out deep into the parking lot, walking a bit slower than you normally would, and then stop. With a puzzled look on your face worthy of an Oscar nomination, start to twirl around as if you can’t find your car. Walk aimlessly from row to row, and make it appear that you are getting frustrated. (If you need inspiration, take a look at the driver following you, who will probably be getting ticked off). Let this play out for a minute or so, and then stop all of a sudden. Look into one of your bags, rifle around in it frantically as if you left something in the mall, and then proceed to run back into the mall as if you left your wallet in a store, laughing to yourself the entire time.

This can be repeated as many times as you like, just make sure that the driver doesnt catch you pulling it on someone else or you might find yourself in a holiday fistfight.

3. “Santa Claus” - This is a risky one that will never end well. Stand next to the “Pictures with Santa” area and pull out your cellphone. Pretend you are having a conversation with your wife or significant other. Make sure there are plenty of children within earshot. Speak loudly and repeat after me: “Yeah, bad news. (pause) The kids found the Christmas gifts this morning. (pause). I know, they were pretty upset. (pause) What else could i tell them? I wasnt going to keep lying. (pause) No, I just said that Santa wasn’t real, that there used to be a guy named Nick who gave out presents hundreds of years ago, and that kids all over the world are lied to year after year by their gift-giving parents.(pause then raise your voice) I HAD TO TELL THEM. SANTA’S NOT REAL. HE’S NOT REAL! (pause) look, i gotta run.” Then walk away as you leave little kids crying in your wake, just be aware that there’s probably an angry parent ready to rip you a new one, so walk fast.

(note: i don’t condone cruelty to children of course, so this is posted in jest. But if you really want to open up this can of worms, i’ll go toe to toe with you on how ridiculous it is that we lie to our kids about santa. it probably has to do with the fact that i never believed in santa growing up, but i just think the whole thing is dumb. maybe the cruel ones here are the ones who lie to their kids for 8 years, forcing their whole world to come crashing down around them when the older kids at school start talking about the “dumb kids who still believe in santa”.)

—

we’re mailing out our christmas cards next week, by the way. folks will actually get them before the new year this year. ho ho ho.

hearing people complain about John Cougar Mellencrap’s “Our Country” commercials has become almost as annoying as hearing the actual commercials themselves.

If I was in a Fantasy Hollywood league for box office moneymakers, i would take Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell with my first two picks. I would steal Johnny Knoxville in the 11th round. I’d draft my uncle Tom before I drafted Kevin Costner.

No, I’m not gellin’. In fact, noone I know is gellin’.

i have a hunch that the original lyrics to James’ Taylor’s “shower the people you love with love song” was “shower the people you love with money”. But then he liked the way that “love with love” rolled off the tongue, so he changed it up. if you want my honest opinion, i think the money idea isn’t that bad.

what would happen if all of the world’s pushpins just fell out of their walls all at once? probably total anarchy.

it’s a good thing birds are stupid. i mean, they’re faster than us, they have pointy beaks that could rip us to shreds, and they can move in 3 dimensions when gravity has confined us to 2. I mean, if they ever got together and had some sort of brainstorming session with the top bird minds, they would probably get past this whole “what can we poop on next” thing and move to “let’s desroy the humans”. like i said, i’m glad they’re stupid.

i think yellow is a pretty underrated color. it just doesnt get the love that your blues and reds get. I’d like to say that blue is overrated, but let’s face it, it’s a pretty amazing color.

What’s that thing over your left shoulder?

Made you look.

Either Cream Cheese should be called Creamed Cheese or Creamed Corn should be call Cream Corn. We can’t have both. It’s nonsensical.

If i was a terribly mean person i would go up to a beggar with a $5 bill in each hand and offer him either one of them. Then when he went to grab for one of them i would say, “uh uh uh…beggars can’t be choosers” and i would give him the other $5 bill. In the end, he still gets $5. But since I’m not terribly mean, i probably would never do that.

If anyone can ever isolate the portion of the genetic code that makes your fingernails grow, i would love to know about it and have mine removed. Keeping them trimmed is almost as annoying as having long fingernails.

i love the word “porridge”. i’m thinking about adding it to my diet so that i can start saying it more often.

That’s all i got for today, have yourself a safe one…