I tripped and fell and this stuff came out of my ears:

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who like banana runts, and those who hate them. Everyone who claims to be otherwise is living a lie.

If “Quietly Descending a Flight of Stairs the Quickest” was an olympic event, I would certainly make it as far as the National Trials, probably making the Olympic Team and winning the bronze.

You ever have this happen to you: You learn of a new word or idea for the first time and then for some reason you hear it again 3 times in the next week. This happened to me last week. I had never heard of a ‘P Coat’ before. Once introduced to the concept by my wife, I then heard the term 3 times over the next 4 days. I heard someone use it on TV, at work, on the radio, and I think I even heard my 1-year old daughter say it too.

Who’s idea was it to put fake wood paneling on the outside of certain automobiles. The CIA should conduct an investigation into the matter and produce this person to the American Public for a televised sock beating.

The more eggs in my fried rice, the better.

It still amazes me that aluminum foil doesn’t get hot in the oven. Every time I pull something out of the oven with foil, I always touch it just to see if it still doesn’t hold heat. I’m just waiting for the one time that it burns my finger so I can scream, “I knew it! I knew this didn’t make any sense! It was setting me up for this the whole time!”

Ever think of how everything we do revolves around money? We work to get money. We have hobbies, which we do for fun. But the books we read or the guitar we play all cost money. And we bought them off of someone who’s job it is to create these things and sell them to us to make money. Everywhere you go you got people trying to take your money, trying to convince you that you’d rather have an ice cream cone in your hand than $3 in your pocket. People even call your house to try and get you to part with your money for a magazine subscription or a credit card. The cars we drive cost us money, and the gas that powers them cost us money. We can’t even go somewhere without spending money on the fuel it takes to get there. Life is one big greedy money-fest where everyone is trying to take everyone else’s currency. And this paragraph has no point.

At the risk of being wrong, I gotta be honest: if Augusta National doesn’t want to let women members into their club, they should have that option. How can we take away the rights of a private organization to do what it wants? If not letting in a woman as a member was as bad as it is being made out to be, wouldn’t that make being a member of the club undesirable? Why would women want to join such a clique? If it was such an outrage, wouldn’t women be turned away from joining such a sexist organization? After all, they are allowed to play there, just not be a member. So what they are doing is fighting for the right to be a member of a private organization that they don’t agree with. That’s my ignorant 2 cents on the matter. I think Augusta National is wrong, but I think they have the right to be wrong.

The biggest farce ever perpetrated on the American public is the 10-day forecast. When the 5-day forecast came out years ago, we were all skeptical. After all, some meteorologists couldn’t even predict the weather for the following day. Then they told us they could tell us what would happen at the end of the week. And we believed them. Now you can jump on the internet and get a forecast for thanksgiving night the day before halloween. Believe me folks, they have no idea. There is a computer program that generates random weather reports for each day and makes sure they all match up city to city and we soak it all in like drunk sheep. Don’t believe the farce.

I’ve never worked in the food court of a mall, but maybe someone who has can clear this up for me. Is one of the job training sessions you receive before beginning your employment entitled “How to talk about customers with your coworkers in another language so that the customer feels stupid”? If so, I’d really like to commend the guy who teaches these classes because he does a great job.

Here’s another energy source that we’re not making full use of: the sneeze. Short bursts of energy flying out of our faces at speeds exceeding 100 miles per hour and you’re telling me we don’t use this for our own good? Think outside the box with me for a minute here. A large crowd of people packed into a room standing in front of a great turbine. We spray a specifically formulated concoction into the room in a fine mist consisting of ground black pepper, feather bits, and of course, sneezing powder. Once those sneezes start flowing, that turbine will start moving, and momentum will kick in. We’ll be lighting a few city blocks in no time flat.

My record for catching shrimp flung by a japanese chef at a teppanyaki restaurant (the kind where 12 of you sit around the grill as he cooks for you) is 13 out of 14. My only drop came a few weeks ago when I lost one in the lights on a poor toss. I am still having trouble sleeping because of it. I did come back the other night with a 1 for 1 showing despite a rookie chef making a terrible toss to me. I had to leave the game early with a pulled muscle in my neck. I am listed as day-to-day.

And finally, how great would it be to have a translator walking around with you, helping you to properly speak your mind like these foreign athletes have? Someone asks Yao Ming how he feels about playing in the NBA and he gives a 4 syllable response. This is followed up by his translator saying “I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to play in this wonderful league and for the fine citizens of Houston. I pray that my work ethic and large donations to charity will help make this city a better place and bring a championship to the Third Coast”. In reality all he really said was the Chinese equivalent of “I cant wait”. Imagine if we laymen had this resource. You don’t feel like talking with someone on a Monday morning who asks about your weekend so you say “it was good” in some unitelligible language. Your translator then provides a 5 minute dissertation on your search for a wedding gift at the mall on Saturday while you return to your email. Where do I sign up?

some things i’ve noticed/learned recently that i feel i should share…

Have you ever thought about a word for so long that it starts to look so strange to you that you start to question whether or not it was even a word? I did this the other day with dice. As in “a pair of dice”. Visualize a pair of dice and then think of the word dice. just stare at it for 15 seconds. Weird huh? (just pretend to understand what im talking about)

Krazy glue. The biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. Some sick MIT students invented this stuff decades ago. They were mad at the world because they were ugly and uninteresting so they came up with the idea of creating the perfect substance to bond together human skin. Then they made sure it bonded some other common materials like plastic and steel and sold it as if that was what the intent was all along. Don’t be fooled. This stuff was designed for your fingers.

Is it me or does Ghandia from the latest season of Survivor look a little bit like Boston Celtics’ star Paul Pierce?

this story is about a man who won a british lottery twice in 4 months playing the same numbers. I know its an amazing story and all, but think about this. This idiot wins the equivalent of 300,000 USD in the lottery and for some reason feels the need to waste money continuing to play the lottery. And the same numbers?? I mean, I understand that the chances of those numbers coming up again are exactly the same even if they came up 100 days in a row, but still. Who would play the same numbers. This man should be stripped of his riches and flogged in the streets before he blows all of it on blackjack.

Dealer: “you have 18.”
Idiot: “hit me.”
Dealer, turning over a 2: “you now have 20″
idiot: “hit me.”

Rod Stewart sings timeless american classics. I will now bathe with my toaster.

Under no circumstances should you ever get the tacos from Burger King’s new value menu. Just trust me on this one, my stomach has suffered enough for all of us.

If you stick a pen in your pocket during the day at work, the chances that you’ll forget to take it out and end up throwing it in the “pens and other random crap” drawer at home are about 94%.

Every time I look at a magnet I think, there’s gotta be something were missing with these things. Some untapped potential that they have. Some new way that they could make this world a better place. After all, they defy gravity and use no power to do so. Then I remember im an idiot.

I just cant bring myself to carry an umbrella. To me they are a sign of weakness. I’d rather walk in to a room as the wet idiot than the dry wussy.

In order for people to become members of society, I really feel like they should be made to go through certain classes on social ettiquitte in order to graduate and get a degree in being a productive member of society. One of the biggest needs is in the area of knowing when to end a conversation. Is it really that hard to tell when someone is not interested at all in what you are talking about? It even happens to me on occasion and all you can do is gracefully end the convo as quick as possible and move on. Respect their right to listen to what they want to. If I had a nickel for every time someone engaged me in a conversation I had no desire to be in in the first place, and then continued to carry on that conversation despite my repeated yawns, lookaways, attempts to wrap up the conversation by saying things like “oh well” or “what are you gonna do, you know?” or “huh. That’s interesting”, I would be rich. Some day they will catch me on a rotten day and i might just say “Shut up! Shut up. I don’t care. Go find someone that does you socially retarded crow dropping”. But that would be mean i suppose, so I’ll just listen and then rant about it to you.

You have officially grown up when the word ‘puddle’ goes from carrying a good connotation to a bad connotation.

In a recent visit to the hospital, I came across every man’s nightmare: the hospital TV. The remote for this thing consisted of one button. All this button did was increase the channel number by one. Pressing the button after you got to the last channel turned the TV off. Pressing it again turned it back on at Channel 2. Utter madness. When I wanted to go from a commercial break of the Bachelor on Channel 7 to The Amazing Race on Channel 9, I was ok. But to get back to Channel 7 I had to press the TV button roughly 324 times. It was almost enough to make me leave it on one channel for an entire hour…almost.

The new infomercial guy with the trimly shorn beard that sells Orange Clean better watch out. If I ever pass him on the street I will beat him about the head and neck with a bag of limes. Just annoying beyond words.

Unique things about each of the major sports that deserve mentioning:

• Baseball – perhaps one of the funniest quirks of any game that goes unnoticed: The managers wear the same uniform as the players! I’m guessing you didn’t laugh, because at first glance, its not that funny. But think about it for a second. Imagine if it was this way in the other sports. Phil Jackson wearing a Lakers uniform! Now that’s funny. Imagine Andy Reid, Dave Campo, or Dan Reeves in a football uniform. How about a hockey coach standing behind the bench wearing his team’s sweater and hockey shorts. That’s comedy. Now think back to baseball. It’s foolish really. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that throughout the history of the game, theres always been player/coaches that have both managed and played. In any event, it’s a bit silly.
• Football – Imagine if in baseball the umpire was wearing a microphone so that every call of ball or strike was heard by everyone in attendance. Imagine if in basketball every foul was announced to the crowd? Seems kinda pointless doesnt it? Well apparently its not in football, where the head referee wears a mic so that everyone can hear him call out the penalties. I guess hand signals arent enough.
• Basketball – I cant really think of anything truly unique and foolish about this sport. The fact that players travel around the country with posses of 5-10 people who do nothing but keep them company and mooch off them, however, is hilarious.
• Hockey – Get this. You get in a fight on the street, you get thrown in jail. You go to a hockey game and get in a fight in the stands, you get thrown in jail. Two players playing hockey get in a fight, they have to sit on a special bench for 5 minutes and catch their breath. Does this make any sense? Apparently anything that goes on in a hockey rink is somehow exempt from the laws of the land. What if one guy pummeled another guy to death? Even if it was accidental? I bet they’d reconsider fighting in hockey then. Apparently now, it’s ok to break the law, as long as you’re wearing a hockey uniform and playing in the NHL. On a related note, I heard that in response to complaints by some teams that certain players were buying and selling weed before faceoffs, the NHL rules committee has introduced a new penalty: Transaction of Illegal Substances. Of course the punishment for this activity is 5 minutes in the penalty box, where one will be provided with rolling paper, a zippo, and an ashtray in case they want to catch a quick smoke.

Ever try taking your friend’s phone numbers and memorizing them with letters instead of numbers. Like they do on TV. ya know, 1-800-SAFE-AUTO. I only wish they would have given a couple letters to the 1 and the 0. Who’s idea was that anyway? Such disrespect to the first 2 numbers of our whole arabic numbering system. The arabians would be appalled.

Business cards, if there’s a more senseless waste of trees out there, i don’t know about it.

The most annoying guy in the world is the guy who goes “no hands” at the urinal. He thinks he is so cool, got everything under control. Heck he could tie a tie or type an email while he’s leaking. One day he’s gonna find he’s not in control and when he does, I will be there to laugh at him and his soiled garments.

bryan