Streamline Your Life

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some random thoughts I’ve been accruing…

if they gave out awards for foods every year like they give out oscars for hollywood, cheese would win best supporting food every year. It’s like the BASF of foods (we don’t make the products you buy, we make the products you buy better). some provolone in your sandwich, some parmesan cheese on your popcorn, some cheddar in your salad, some american in your omelette. It’s what makes pizza so good. It makes a hamburger into a cheeseburger (shouldn’t we be putting ham onto hamburgers? just wondering) And just like supporting actors in the movies, cheese is not really capable of being the main attraction of a meal. (tonight for dinner we’re having a block of muenster!). let’s give credit where credit is due…

speaking of foods, All Hail the Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pie, King of the Snacks!

there are some words in the english language that we should shorten. All of us are looking for ways to streamline our lives…needless things we can get rid of. Well, I figure if we can lop off a few syllables here and there, somehow this will save us something down the road. The key is, the shortened word can’t sound like another word or it’s too screwed up. For instance, you can’t shorten cabinet to cabin or cab, since those words already exist. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

formerly: envelope, new word: velope.
formerly: ridiculous, new word: ridic.
formerly: vapor, new word: vape.
formerly: termperature, new word: temp (a savings of two syllables!)
formerly: barmitzvah, new word: barmitz.

if you can think of some other good ones, let me know.

Has Robin Williams done anything good in the past 10 years besides his supporting role in Good Will Hunting? Can you say overrated? I’ve got 2 words for you…bicentennial man.

I hate the way hornets fly around with their legs dangling (or are those wasps?). It just sickens me. I want to rip their legs out and smash them. I hate bees, needles, and everything else that’s sole purpose is to pierce my skin. Don’t think for a second that bees exist to make honey. That is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. It’s a false front, like the pizza parlor that is really the home for a money laundering business. The bees take all the honey back to the hive and just let it rot. Then they sit around all night and brag about how many people they stung that day. Man I hate bees…

you know? maybe it’s not maybelline. maybe, just maybe, she was born with it. did you ever think of that you makeup selling, pompous jerks?

Am I the only one bothered by the fact that the leader of Israel shares his name with a mermaid? Saddam, Arafat, Bin Laden, Ariel? I hate to say it, but Israel’s doomed. One of the biggest regrets I have is that I didn’t go to school at Johns Hopkins University. I love saying that name. Johns Hopkins. I would never cease to extol the virtues of my beloved alma mater, Johns Hopkins. If it was John Hopkins, it would be the most boring name of a university since Furman. But Johns, it so fun to say, especially when followed by Hopkins. anyone? anyone? bueller?

one time I went to subway and got a 6-inch sub and the woman cut the 12” loaf of bread in a 4-8 distribution instead of a 6-6! Can you believe it? I mean, 5-7 I can understand, though it’s really not acceptable. But 4-8? It’s preposterous! We have an innate quality as human beings to be able to judge halves. take a regular old sheet of paper and try and divide it in half with a pen mark the long way. You might not be perfect, but it’s not hard to get pretty close. This woman was obviously out to get me. And of course, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I said nothing. (yes, she did give me the 4” piece). To this day subway still owes me two inches of a BMT…and yes, i’m still bitter about it…

until next time…