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some random thoughts I’ve been accruing…

if they gave out awards for foods every year like they give out oscars for hollywood, cheese would win best supporting food every year. It’s like the BASF of foods (we don’t make the products you buy, we make the products you buy better). some provolone in your sandwich, some parmesan cheese on your popcorn, some cheddar in your salad, some american in your omelette. It’s what makes pizza so good. It makes a hamburger into a cheeseburger (shouldn’t we be putting ham onto hamburgers? just wondering) And just like supporting actors in the movies, cheese is not really capable of being the main attraction of a meal. (tonight for dinner we’re having a block of muenster!). let’s give credit where credit is due…

speaking of foods, All Hail the Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pie, King of the Snacks!

there are some words in the english language that we should shorten. All of us are looking for ways to streamline our lives…needless things we can get rid of. Well, I figure if we can lop off a few syllables here and there, somehow this will save us something down the road. The key is, the shortened word can’t sound like another word or it’s too screwed up. For instance, you can’t shorten cabinet to cabin or cab, since those words already exist. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

formerly: envelope, new word: velope.
formerly: ridiculous, new word: ridic.
formerly: vapor, new word: vape.
formerly: termperature, new word: temp (a savings of two syllables!)
formerly: barmitzvah, new word: barmitz.

if you can think of some other good ones, let me know.

Has Robin Williams done anything good in the past 10 years besides his supporting role in Good Will Hunting? Can you say overrated? I’ve got 2 words for you…bicentennial man.

I hate the way hornets fly around with their legs dangling (or are those wasps?). It just sickens me. I want to rip their legs out and smash them. I hate bees, needles, and everything else that’s sole purpose is to pierce my skin. Don’t think for a second that bees exist to make honey. That is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. It’s a false front, like the pizza parlor that is really the home for a money laundering business. The bees take all the honey back to the hive and just let it rot. Then they sit around all night and brag about how many people they stung that day. Man I hate bees…

you know? maybe it’s not maybelline. maybe, just maybe, she was born with it. did you ever think of that you makeup selling, pompous jerks?

Am I the only one bothered by the fact that the leader of Israel shares his name with a mermaid? Saddam, Arafat, Bin Laden, Ariel? I hate to say it, but Israel’s doomed. One of the biggest regrets I have is that I didn’t go to school at Johns Hopkins University. I love saying that name. Johns Hopkins. I would never cease to extol the virtues of my beloved alma mater, Johns Hopkins. If it was John Hopkins, it would be the most boring name of a university since Furman. But Johns, it so fun to say, especially when followed by Hopkins. anyone? anyone? bueller?

one time I went to subway and got a 6-inch sub and the woman cut the 12” loaf of bread in a 4-8 distribution instead of a 6-6! Can you believe it? I mean, 5-7 I can understand, though it’s really not acceptable. But 4-8? It’s preposterous! We have an innate quality as human beings to be able to judge halves. take a regular old sheet of paper and try and divide it in half with a pen mark the long way. You might not be perfect, but it’s not hard to get pretty close. This woman was obviously out to get me. And of course, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I said nothing. (yes, she did give me the 4” piece). To this day subway still owes me two inches of a BMT…and yes, i’m still bitter about it…

until next time…

ok, it’s been a while since i last rambled, and i got alot of poop to unload…

First, let me start with NBC’s Fear Factor. I can’t think of a game show that i would do worse on. There’s no way this game will continue on for more than 1 more season because FCC regulations and the laws of this country will prohibit it. What do I mean? well, each week it gets more and more disgusting. Remember when Fear Factor debuted? Do a little bungee, lie in a tank of snakes, let a dog chase you in a protective suit…no big deal (ok, i wouldnt do any of this stuff either, but that’s beside the point). Have you seen the show recently? Eating Pig Stomach? Eating Cow brains? It’s almost too much for me to watch. Just thinking about it now turns my stomach. It’s disgusting. So anyway, by next year they will be sucking cow utters and nibbling on the appendages of cadavers and Tom Green will replace Joe Rogan as the host and the show will get canned. At least, that’s what I’m hoping…

Well, baseball started yesterday, and as I’ve said before, I love it. Here’s what gets me. Baseball wants the games to be shorter to appeal to more people. In order to do this without ruining the integrity of the game (as if the game has any integrity left when players and owners are making tons of paper and a strike shortened season looms on the not-so-distant horizon) the MLB has come up with ways to cut out small portions of dead time during a game like shaving off seconds during a pitching change or after a broken bat. Well i got news for you. Your wasting your time. Baseball is a slow-paced game by its nature. There is no clock to hurry people to the line of scrimmage, no shot clock or anything like that. The game is just slow period. Even if it takes 2 hours to play a game, it’s a slow 2 hours. Now, if the Sawx are playing, i can enjoy myself. (or if the Yanks are getting pummeled). But otherwise it’s almost unbearable. Making me watch an entire Padres-Marlins game without a remote control is the equivalent of oral surgery sans novocaine…no thanks. Baseball has to understand that shaving 15 minutes off of their games aint gonna do a whole lot. It’s a slow game, and unfortunately, it’s not very appealing to most of the kids growing up these days. I could ramble more on this but I wont…

The UCONN women’s basketball Team was a perfect 39-0 this season. Impressive. Though as my boy Freim says, “it’s like watching basketball in a foot of water”. The best thing about it all was learning that there is a person in the world named Swin Cash. Could be the best name of all-time. Swin Cash. Just keep saying it over and over. Swin Cash. Is she a rapper? A new scratch ticket from the New Jersey State Lottery Commission? The play currency of a new board game centered around farm animals? Swin Cash…Swin Cash…Swin Cash…

I think I’ve noticed a big oversight not picked up before by the american people. A large resource that has remained untapped. Let me explain…we have 5 digits on each hand. Each one of these digits means something when solely extended. The thumb - it’s a symbol for “ok” or “i like it”. you can even flip it upside down and it means the opposite. Heck, you can even use it to catch a ride when your car gets a flat. It’s a versatile appendage. The pointy finger. When extended it usually means “1″ or “we’re number 1″. If turned around and wiggled it can also be used to beckon someone to get closer to you. The middle finger - we all know what this means. Very harsh and abrasive way of saying, “i dont care for you.” The ring finger - used mostly as a child in quick spurts to trick other siblings into thinking you’ve flashed them the middle finger. When accused of swearing, it is often extended more deliberately and accompanied by “nuh-uh, it was my other finger.” This leads us to the pinky finger. Ever extend a pinky finger to someone? No? Well thats because it doesnt mean anything. Folks, this must be changed. Here we have an easy way of communicating with someone and yet it is an untapped resource. I am starting a campaign across America to find an adequate meaning for the raised pinky. I’ll be taking your suggestions if you come up with anything. Right now my early leaders are “Let’s get something to eat”, “I’m interested in a physical relationship with you”, “Can you repeat that?”, or even “it smells like farts”. let’s come together and make all of our lives that much more easier…

Have you ever heard this myth that humans only use 8% of their maximum brain power? Please don’t tell me you believe this. Ladies and Gents, this truly is the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public. Think about it for a second. If everyone only uses 8% of their brain power, than how can you figure out that there’s 92% not being used? They say Einstein used 12% or something. Well, i dont know how they’re figuring this out, but let’s say that Einstein was the highest ever measured. Well, if noone in history has ever used more brain power, than how can you say there’s 88% more that is not being used! what a farce. If Joe Shmo was the highest ever measured, than I say his brain usage should be the equivalent of 100%. He is the pinnacle of brain usage. Everyone else can be measured up to him. This makes sense, after all, noone has ever used more. Just don’t tell me that there’s 92% of my brain that I’m not using because frankly, I’m not a wasteful person and that would really upset me…

And finally, being the philanthropist that i am, I have devised a way that we can all help care for the homeless. Have you ever gone 4 or 5 dryer loads without cleaning your lint trap? When you finally do, there’s a lot of lint in there, isnt there? I mean, it’s practically like a blanket sometimes. (ding, i heard your light bulb go on). I’m going to start something called “Lint Drive America”. On the first day of every month, special trucks will be coming around to your house and picking up your collection of lint trap excrement. All of the donations from around the country will be pooled together and used to make warm comforters for homeless people. I cant believe noone else has thought of this before. Sometimes i amaze even myself…

that’s all for now…