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is there anything more disgusting than a used band-aid? whenever I see a used band-aid lying on the ground it makes me want to gag. especially if you can see the white pad and it ain’t white anymore. It definitely is my number one answer to the question, “What is the last thing you would want to stick in your mouth?” well, ok maybe it’s number 2 behind Al Roker’s socks…

speaking of bandages, nothing turns me off more than a woman wearing an Ace bandage. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me wince whenever I see one. If I was in an isolation cell in a prison for 3 months and suddenly J-Lo walked in wearing a silk teddy, an anklet, and an Ace bandage on her left wrist, I would ask her to stop blocking my view of the wall. I can’t explain what it is about them (a sign of weakness?, the pseudo-flesh color?, the spandexy material?, the sharp clips used to secure them?) but I hate them…

If I am holding denim pants in my left hand and denim pants in my right hand am I not holding a pair of jeans? Not according to our foolish language. I would be holding 2 pairs of jeans. I have issues with this. since when did the word “jeans” become the equivalent of “pant legs”. I am ok with saying, ‘I am wearing a pair of pant legs’, because you are in fact wearing 2 pant legs. I am ok with saying, ‘I am wearing a pair of pants’, because in that case you are just replacing “pant legs” with “pants”. But You cant say ‘I am wearing a pair of jeans’. By doing this you are saying that a pant leg is also called a “jean” and we all know that there is no such thing as a “jean”. Jean is a synonym for ‘denim’, not for ‘pant leg’. Look it up yourself…

Speaking of clothes, I submit to you that the biggest farce ever perpetrated on the american public is the sweater. Before you laugh at me, think about it for a second. When do we really need to wear sweaters? Havent we invented other things so that we dont need to wear sweaters? Don’t tell me that it’s cold in the winter time, because that it is the reason that we invented winter jackets, so we can wear our regular clothes and still be comfortable outside. And the fact is, most people, (Herrs excluded), keep their house as warm, or warmer, in the winter than in the summer. So why would you want to wear a sweater indoors? You always end up being too hot and uncomfortable. Granted they occasionally look good, but that doesn’t dispute the fact that they are, at their core, a farce. We must, as a nation, choose to get rid of one of the following things, indoor heating, winter jackets, or sweaters. We don’t have room for all three…

I could really go for a stick of fruit stripes gum right now. Remember that stuff. Whoever created that stuff was pure genius. Somehow they figured out a way to take the cumulative taste that would be experienced from chewing a normal stick of gum for 30 minutes and cram all of the flavor into one 10-second burst of fruit that literally woke up your entire mouth. It was like a drug induced high for your taste buds for 5 chews and then nothing. 15 seconds into the experience it tasted like you were chewing on silly putty from the Carter administration…

One last thought. Is there a dirtier word in the english language than ‘panties’? I even blush as I type the word. Whenever I hear someone say panties I get the same feeling I used to get when I was a kid watching a movie with my parents and a love scene broke out. if you don’t think it’s such a bad word, try to work it into a conversation next time you’re talking to your parents or your pastor…didn’t think so.

Is there a more heinous substance that we regularly consume than butter? I just look at it and i get sick. It is pure “bad for you”. a big old stick of “bad for you”. and yet it makes things taste so good. i think if i were on fear factor and i had to eat a stick of butter i might walk off the show…

I’ve explained this to some before, but I’ll do it again. There is a conspiracy going on at a CVS near you, the likes of which we cannot fathom. A little charade being pulled on us every day. It’s those freaking greeting cards. Every time i pull a greeting card and read it, i can never figure out where i pulled it from. I mean, i think i know the general area that it came from, but i cant seem to find any other cards like it to locate it’s siblings and put it back with its family. I really think that if we had slow motion cameras, it would all become clear. while we read the cards, one of the greeting cards will yell out “Shift!” and they will all rearrange themselves. I am convinced that this happens. either that or i am an imbecile…

speaking of cards, here’s my passionate rant of the day. I am starting a grassroots effort to abolish the institution of the Thank You card. This is the biggest farc ever perpetrated on the american public. Picture this: Your wife has a baby shower. 20 people come with gifts. You open each one in succession, pretending to like what you’ve received and saying thank you to the gift bringer 3 times before moving to the next parcel. Now after the party is over and everyone has gone home. The gift receiver is obligated under current etiquitte guidelines, to write Thank You cards to everyone who has brought gifts. Are you kidding me? She already said Thank You! this is an outrage. We received a ton of gifts at our wedding. Cards, money, objects, whatever. Wouldnt it make sense that while everyone who gave us gifts is together at the reception we should say “Thank You everyone for your generosity”? nooooo. instead we spend the next 6 months enslaved to these thank you cards thanking people individually for the books or the money or the salad bowl. Life is too short people! let’s wake up and smell the dunkin donuts! it should be abolished. join me in this quest. tell everyone you know. from now on at parties and weddings and showers here is the protocol.

1. open gift
2. thank the gift giver
3. repeat step 1 and 2 until gifts are gone
4. corporately thank everyone again by saying the following, “Thank you all for your gifts, it’s very nice of you. We are very appreciative. Please be aware that becuase i have now sincerely thanked you all for your generosity more than once, you will not be getting thank you cards from us. To do so would be redundant and wasteful to our precious environment.
5. try and avoid the dirty looks and evil stares that ensue.

if we all start doing this now, we can engrain this as a part of society and maybe our kids will look back at the practice of “thank you cards” as an extinct cultural relic. i feel very strongly about this. moving on…

EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE PERSON THAT THEY RECEIVE EMAILS FROM ON A REGULAR BASIS THAT TYPES OUT THE WHOLE MESSAGE IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND DOESNT USE ANY PUNCTUATION MARKS FOR ME IT IS MY BELOVED GRANDMA IT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH WHAT IS THE THINKING BEHIND THIS IS IT FOR MY BENEFIT OR FOR HERS IS IT SUPPOSED TO MAKE THINGS EASIER CUZ IT DOESNT YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

Maybe I’m a slob, but i dont really care if the outside of my car is dirty. It rains once every ten days anyway, why bother cleaning the thing. to me it’s like cleaning the bottom of your shoes with windex, a fruitless, wasteful exercise…

things i am thankful for this time of year: hot showers, tostitos salsa con queso, vacation days, advil, the refreshing taste of water, a two-car garage, good music, and sports. man do i love sports. put sports and salsa con queso together and it’s heaven on earth.