I had one job to do before Tyler and Amy came to visit 2 weeks ago: put up the curtain rod and drapes for our new sliding glass doors.

I didn’t need to be at the airport until early afternoon, so I had the entire morning to secure the rod into the wall. 1 Rod, 2 brackets, and 4 screws. That was it.

There were only 2 complications in my way:

1. I had woken up the morning before with Strep Throat. So I was feeling like absolute crap salad.

2. I’m an idiot.

The batteries to my drill were dead, and so was my battery charger, so I had to borrow my brother-in-law’s. All I needed to do was drill an inch or so into the wall to secure the screw anchors, but I was having the toughest time with the last half inch. I couldn’t figure out if the drill bit was super weak, if the wood in my walls was laced with diamonds, or if I was more sick from the Strep than I realized.

An hour later, I had finally finished drilling 4 tiny holes. I was exhausted from the pushing I had to do to get the holes drilled, not to mention the fever, chills, aches, and sore throat. I took a break, and eventually came back to finish the job.

The curtain rod was up. It took me 3 hours from start to finish, but it was done.

Only later on that night when I was explaining my drilling difficulties to my brother-in-law did he ask me the one question that I wish I would have known to ask myself earlier that morning.

The one question that would have saved me at least an hour and a lot of sweat.

“You did have the drill in the ‘forward’ position, right?”

Here’s 5 random things for a random Wednesday in August…and a caption please

1. I’m getting beaten pretty bad by Tyler Stanton right now in our race to 1000 Twitter followers. At the moment he’s got a 741-603 lead on me. If you’re on Twitter, follow me and I’ll follow you back. It’s a great way to keep tabs on each other. If you’re not on Twitter, consider this your personal invitation to join the party. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you’re a sellout for joining. It’s as cool as smoking cigs in junior high, only without the lung cancer.

2. Over at RELEVANTMagazine.com you’ll find a “Best Books of 2009 (so far)” article I contributed to. A bunch of Burnsiders tag teamed on the piece, and my blurb on Jason Boyett’s “Pocket Guide to the Afterlife” wound up at #6 on the list. (funny that those who wrote the article didn’t rank the books, that was done by the editor I guess)

3. In case you’re too lazy to click over and read it, here’s what I wrote about PGTTA:

In Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, Jason Boyett applies his tried and tested formula of equal parts knowledge, snark and authenticity to create another winner in his enjoyable line of pocket-sized books. While his guides to the Bible and the Apocalypse are entertaining reads, the format is never stronger than it is in Afterlife.  The reason for the success, no doubt, is the vast array of religious traditions and zany historical anecdotes that Boyett had to draw from in crafting the book. And while the strength of the guide lies in its captivating subject material, it’s the author’s signature blend of humor and intelligence that keep you laughing while turning one page after another. Whether you come for the knowledge or the laughs, you’re guaranteed to walk away from the book with ample doses of both. Is Pocket Guide to the Afterlife worthy of a spot in your casket when you die? Maybe not. But is it worthy of a spot on your Must Read List for 2009? You bet your (after)life.

4. Excited to speak in New Jersey on Saturday at Bodinestock II. I’m scheduled to speak at 2:30pm and 7:30pm and have to fill over an hour combined. A bit daunting, but it should go well. My first session is going to be lighter, as I’ll be weaving a bunch of amish pictures from the blog into some thoughts about being in the world but not of it. The evening session will be a little more inspirational and challenging for the kids. If you think of me on Saturday, say a prayer that it goes well.

5. Two weeks ago the Young Adult Ministry we help lead at our church helped some friends of ours move into a new house. The girls helped unpack boxes and set up rooms. The guys helped build temporary railings for the front and back steps so the house passed inspection. Yes, I helped put the railings on. Yes, I had no idea what I was doing. In fact, Caleb snapped this picture of me, which, for those of you who enjoy poking fun at me (and why wouldn’t you?), is definitely worthy of a caption.

When you look up “handyman” in the dictionary the definition says “the opposite of Bryan Allain”.

If you know me at all, you know I’m the worst handyman ever. It doesn’t help that my father-in-law is a retired homebuilder either. There’s no sense in me attempting any project when I know he can do it twice as well in half the time.

I’m not sure how this happened. My dad is a great handyman. He has put in flooring, built a deck, and re-shingled their house. I can’t even fix a wobbly chair. Thankfully, Erica has much grace for me in this deficient area of my life, though I’m sure even she gets annoyed by incompetence from time to time.

Just how bad of a handyman am I? So bad that I classify an activity as easy as “putting up Christmas lights” as a handyman activity. If it involves the house, and putting something up (christmas lights, picture frames, light fixtures), I stink at it like yesterday’s salmon.

The Un-Handyman strikes again

This morning I tried to put Christmas lights in the bushes in our front yard. As you might have guessed, this didn’t turn out so well.

What about you guys? Any fellow Un-Handymen (or un-handywomen) out there? Or can you hold your own with hammer, nail, wood, screwdrivers, drills, and other such difficult things that I can’t seem to figure out?