Last week I brought up some issues I had with karate, and somehow I’ve managed to not be killed by a nun-chuck blow to the heart. (I’m hoping to stop wearing the kevlar vest by early next year.)

In a related story, someone gave me a flier last week that had been dropped off at their workplace. It was from a Taekwondo studio (I think) and it was amazing (I know).

Here’s what the flier looked like, along with an obligatory breakdown…

7 Things That Must Be Pointed Out

1. There is no mention anywhere on the flier of the Taekwondo studio these rules originated from. Is this an advertisement or not? If it is, then get your name on there folks. If it isn’t, then what on earth are you doing passing out fliers?

2. Speaking of which, why is a Taekwondo studio passing out “Home Rules” for children? Here’s an idea, how about I set my own home rules for my own children since I bought the home and I made the children?

3. With regards to Rule #1, having your kids greet you upon entering and leaving the house is a nice thing I suppose. But I gotta be honest, if I really did make a list of house rules, this rule probably wouldn’t be at the top of the list. It would probably fall around Rule #117, right between

#116 – Do not try to talk to dad through the bathroom door when he is in the bathroom. He is in his fortress of solitude and is probably halfway through a great article”

and

“#118 – Do not eat daddy’s cheez-its without the expressed, written consent of major league baseball and daddy himself”.

5. I really don’t feel comfortable with Rule #6 without some type of emergency clause in there. 9 out of every 10 of my “Adult Conversations” are pointless anyway. Would hate for my kid to not interrupt me to to inform me of his dislocated shoulder because I was busy debating the Red Sox shortstop situation with my buddy Than.

6. All this time, I had no idea that there was a recipe for Straight A’s! No wonder I was a B-minus student in school. But wait, let’s look at the recipe, because it begs a lot of questions…

A) Is there a need to tell me to open the refrigerator? Am I supposed to just leave the fridge door open? Also, can I drink water or iced tea? What if I’m not thirsty?

B) I just spent 8 hours in school learning and you want me to go over it again BEFORE doing my homework? I’d rather eat a chinese star.

C) This should really be the only thing on this list. Actually the list should be “Do your homework and get A’s on all your tests”. There’s your recipe right there.

D) I have no idea what I’m going to study tomorrow, and I don’t care. According to this recipe I need to spend 12 hours a day on schoolwork. When am I going to have time to practice breaking plywood?

7. How about that note at the bottom? If you can’t read it, it says:

Children who do not obey their Parents CHEERFULLY may be reduced in Rank.

Parent: “Look, I told my kid to clean his room yesterday and he did it, but he wasn’t happy about it.”

Master: “Timmy, come here and give me that black belt you have spent years working towards in exchange for this purple one.”

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Any other thoughts on this?

Does it make you want to sign your kids up for martial arts?

(if you need me, I’ll be hiding from the ninjas)

Last weekend I drove past a Karate studio and I cringed.

Then, in a moment of self-awareness I said, “Self, why did you just cringe as you drove by that Karate studio?”

I didn’t answer myself right away, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since. And because you care, here’s what I’ve come up with.

The 5 Problems I Have with Karate

1. The Studio – Not sure if I’ve ever actually been in a Karate Studio, but I’m 100% sure it smells like sweaty feet. It has to, right? Plus, every Karate studio I’ve seen in the movies has lots of mirrors, windows, and pictures of past champions from their dojo. Wait, is “dojo” a Karate word? Is “studio” even a Karate word? I have no idea. All I know is that I’ve never driven past a Karate place and thought, “I desperately want to be inside there.”

2. The Participants – Please don’t take this the wrong way, Karate people. I promise I’m not judging you with malicious intent. It’s just that growing up I don’t remember one person I ever considered being “cool” being involved in Karate. Were you cool when you were a kid, dear reader? Then you probably weren’t in Karate, were you?

Look, I’m not saying that ‘coolness’ among your junior high peers is something worth striving for…it’s just that the cool kids never took Karate.

3. The Outifts – Similar to point number one, I can’t say I ever looked at someone wearing the white robe and colored belt and thought to myself, “Man, do i want to be wearing that!” The closest I came to thinking that was at the end of Karate Kid 1, but even then I was like, “nah, still don’t want to wear a glorified bathrobe out in public”.

4. The Promotions - Congratulations! You spent months and months going to practice, fighting with other people, and letting a 40-year old guy with smelly feet yell at you for 6 hours a week. What do you get for all that? You get to exchange your white belt for a yellow one! Ooh, where do I sign up?

5. The Self-Defense Theory – The biggest problem I had with Karate people was that you couldn’t really make fun of them for being in Karate because they knew 6 different ways to rip your shoulder out of its socket. Sure, they told you that they were only allowed to use it in self-defense, that they had taken some oath or something, but we all knew the truth. They wanted nothing more than to be provoked so they could try and sweep your leg and crack your sternum like a piece of plywood.

But like I said, you couldn’t really accuse them of this or you risked catching a smelly foot in your temple.

So, what are your thoughts on the whole Karate thing?

Any of you Karate folks want to stand up for yourself, or are you already on your way over to my house to try and kill me?

Leave a roundhouse kick in the comments…