I’m going to be doing a handful of guest posts next month on some of my favorite blogs. Guest posting is a blast because you get to write for a different audience than you normally do, so it’s a chance to show a new group of people that there’s clearly something not right in your head.

As I was thinking about which blogs I’d like to guest post on, I had an idea. Why don’t I start a new blog with videos of my best arm farts? I slept on the idea, and realized the next day that it sucked.

Then I had another idea. Why don’t I guest post on YOUR blog? I slept on this idea, and it stuck.

So here’s the deal. Leave a comment to this post with 3 pieces of information.

1. Your blog address

2. A one sentence synopsis of what your blog is about

3. List 3 random words that you would like me to use in my guest post on your blog.

Entries will be open through the weekend, closing on Sunday night at 11:59pm EDT.

Next week I will pick either 3 or 4 winners (still figuring that out). What you win is a guest post by me on your blog. (Some would call this a prize, others a punishment.)

My guest post…

1. …will be between 500-1000 words

2. …will be about whatever you ask me to write about.

3. …will include the 3 random words from your entry.

4. …will be linked to from my blog, meaning you will get a lot of traffic. (and by “a lot” I mean “not really that much”).

5…will be posted on your blog sometime in April on a date we both agree to.

There you go. I don’t ask for too much from you guys, but if you’re up for it I’d love to work together on this one.

So…Can I guest post on your blog?

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

This week we’ve got a special treat for you as the always hilarious Tyler Stanton has offered to grab 5 cliches and wring the life out of them in this guest post. As always, he did not disappoint. (and at the end of the post you’ll find a link to his blog, where I guest-posted 5 cliches today as well.)

Take it away Tyler…

“He’s got ice water in his veins.” -You know what will really make you clutch under pressure? 98.6 degree blood in your veins. You will be way more capable of hitting the game winning shot when your hypothermia-induced corpse isn’t sprawled out on the free throw line.

“Like it’s going out of style.” – I don’t get it. This expression is used to imply you’re doing an excessive amount of something, yet that hasn’t been my experience at all when I find out something is on its way out of style. Last Tuesday when I found out that carpenter jeans were going out of style, I certainly didn’t up their usage. I cut back to three times a week like any normal person would.

“Rubbing elbows with someone” -When applied literally, this is one of the worst things you could possibly do at a social gathering. Networking should never involve getting to second base with the back of my arm. I vote we keep it around, but limit it to describing negative encounters.

Wife: How did your meeting with Neil go, honey?
Me: I’ll just say this – we were rubbing elbows the whole time.
Wife: That bad, huh?
Me: Yes. That bad.
Wife: I’ve always hated that Neil.

“I did a number on it.” – Are you making a statement, or initiating a guessing game with me? What kind of number did you do on it? Was it a number number? Twenty…two? It was twenty-two, wasn’t it? Wait – was it a theatrical number? Man, that could be anything from Cats to Jersey Boys. Can I have a hint?

If we really want to communicate that we negatively made an impact on something, I propose that we start saying “I did a number two on it”. That way, the only question that remains is whether or not the “two” was literal or figurative.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.” - Not true. You can, and you should.* Other legitimate and completely acceptable ways of judging a book? Size. The way it feels in your hands. Font choice. Texture. Margins. Author’s photo. Line spacing. Actual content is like 11th or 12th on the list at best.

*This shallow logic is not to be applied to my upcoming book, Everyday Absurdities: Insights from the World’s Most Trivial Man. The cover is bland, but the really awesome kind of bland. I’m paying Bryan large sums of money to make sure you know when it’s available to purchase.

What About You: Any expressions biting your bullet lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

ps…and after you leave a comment, check out my guest post at Tyler’s blog today for 5 more cliches.

Matthew Paul Turner asked me to guest post at his blog this week, and I was more than happy to contribute. It’s Sex Week at his blog (kinda like Shark Week), so if you’re looking for some honest discussion on sex, go check it out.

And if you’re looking specifically for my post, “Sex as a Puzzle”, he’s posting it at 10:30am – here’s the link.

And if you’re visiting here from MPT’s blog, welcome! Subscribe to the feed and give me a couple of weeks to see if I’m worth adding to your life.

Having new visitors got me thinking about the pressure a blogger can feel to impress a new crowd. In honor of that, here’s a helpful list of Do’s and Dont’s for welcoming new visitors.

Do’s and Don’ts of Welcoming Cyber Guests

DO point them to your best posts, like Noah’s Ark according to The Office, Best of the Ramblings, and my Welcome to Intercourse Amish posts.

DON’T point them to a post where you confess that you once worked at McDonald’s and ate chicken fajita meat out of your pocket.

DO put up a picture in which you think you look handsome [note to self: insert handsome picture here when i can find one].

DON’T put up a picture in which you’re either A) a scrawny junior higher wearing a Rude Dog tank top or B) wearing a fake mullet.  Like this:

Do let people know that Jason Boyett once wrote of you and your Twitter prowess, “Dude can write a one-liner”.

Don’t let people know that Jason still can’t get over the fact that you ate chicken out of your pockets.

Do let people know that you post 5 times a week, and most posts are attempts at humor.

Don’t let people know that sometimes nobody laughs.

Do let people know that you’re speaking in 3 different states this fall, and enjoy speaking to youth groups, men’s groups, and church groups.

Don’t let people know that you are a member of Skull and Bones, the Freemasons, MENSA, and AARP.

Do let people know about yourself. Introduce them to your beautiful wife and your two amazing kids.

Don’t introduce them to your imaginary literary agent, Jameson Coventry the III.

—

Hopefully that’s helpful for all you bloggers out there. Be sure to check out Matthew’s Blog and my guest post, and stay tuned here for more nonsense on a daily basis!

Today on the blog: 3 items related to using the bathroom. (Stay classy, Ramblings and Such.)

1. My friend Tyler is away on vacation this week, so I’m guest posting for him at his blog today. Click over to his entertaining blog to read my latest “Don’t Be That Guy” entry: The Bad Office Pooper, in which I use the phrase “bank of stank”. (And hey, if you’re new here from Tyler’s blog, subscribe to the feed and give me a few weeks to earn the honor of having you as a reader.)

2. Tripp has a funny post up today about pumping gas, using the bathroom, and washing your hands at a gas station. Which reminded me of this story…

3. Okay, this is a totally true story from the mouth of one of my brother’s good friends a couple years ago. He works in the same building with a Hall of Fame baseball player in the media, and the two of them stepped up to adjacent urinals and had the following conversation one day (as far as I know, my brother’s friend didn’t know this guy well at all) :

[the two of them peeing at the urinals]

My Bro’s Friend: Why do we wash our hands after we pee? Shouldn’t we be washing them before we pee?

Hall-of-Famer: “Yeah, you’re right! My d— IS cleaner than my hands.”

My Bro’s Friend: Exactly!

[the two of them move over to the sink where they wash their hands]

Hall-of-Famer: “Look at us. Two fools washing our hands.”

I think that should be the official catch phrase of Ramblings and Such:

“Look at us. Two fools washing our hands.”