I’ve recently been noticing that some things are just physically impossible to do.

For instance,

It is physically impossible to…

…score a hockey goal and NOT raise your arms over your head. in fact, you don’t even have to be the one who scores it. If someone one your team scores, your arms automatically raise above your head. It’s Pavlovian or something. Pull up any hockey highlight on Youtube to see what I mean.

…drive by an accident on the highway and NOT look at it. As you approach the accident you curse all the drivers in front of you who are rubbernecking and slowing you down. Then you get to the accident and do the same thing. any blood? anyone on a stretcher? is the car totaled? what are the paramedics doing? is the new guy in the corner puking his guts out?

…successfully shave your face and sing opera at the same time. You’ve noticed this one too, haven’t you?

…get a brain freeze and not yell out “Brain Freeze!”. Why is it that the second you get a brain freeze you immediately let everyone know? We don’t normally invite other people to watch us writhe in intense pain, yet for some reason, we feel like brain freezes deserve an audience.

…play 3 good holes of golf in a row. Or maybe that’s just me?

…get up off the couch and turn the volume down using the buttons on the TV itself. Thankfully they invented remotes or we’d all be up a creek on this one.

…get the exact amount of desired ice out of a fridge ice dispenser. It either trickles out 1 cube every 20 seconds or it dumps a polar ice cap into your glass before you’ve fully depressed the lever. Who’s designing these things, anyway?

That’s my list, but what are some things that YOU’VE found to be physically impossible?

If you’ve got one, add it in the comments.

5 random things for a random wednesday…

1. There’s a thousand things I love about GMail, and this is one of them. Mail Goggles. This works as a sort of filter for folks who like to send email while in an inebriated state. Are you sometimes drunk from 11pm-4am on saturday nights? Enable “Mail Goggles” during that time frame and Google will make you solve some math problems before you are allowed to send an email.

Hey, maybe we should get this feature put into cars as well?

2. I’m not sure why I play golf. I’m not that great. It’s expensive. It takes 4.5 hours to play a round. It’s frustrating. And yet, I can see April on the horizon and once again I am starting to get the itch to play. Most of the things in life that I suck at, I move on from. It’s why I don’t try to build decks, work on cars, or write music in my spare time. And yet with golf, I just keep coming back.

3. I’m getting anxious to hear something from Derek Webb’s new album in progress, Stockholm Syndrome. My sources tell me that something might be in my possession in the next few weeks. If I’m able to get my hands on anything, I’m going to try and discretely leak some of it here on the site so stay tuned.

4. For you LOST fans, check out a barely post-pubescent Daniel Faraday explaining the wonders of a Subaru in his typical Faraday-esque rambling style.

and finally…

5. My brother Jordan is moving to Hawaii!!! More on this in the next LOST podcast.

If I had been liveblogging our weekend at the cabin this is what it would have looked like…

Friday Night

7:00pm – It’s just under a 3-hour drive from our home in Intercourse to Port Matilda, PA. The cabin we are going to is about 10 minutes from Happy Valley, the home of Penn State. This drive sucks for 5 reasons: 1-it’s raining, 2-it’s at night, 3-I don’t know where I’m going, 4-I’m trying to follow someone, and 5-The roads are curvier than the shoppers at Lane Bryant.

9:30pm – We arrive safely at the cabin and we’re all hanging out: Me & Erica, Than & Kandace, and Jon & Erin. The kids are tucked in bed. We’re trying to watch the presidential debate, but every time we get into it, we start having conversations that are infinitely more interesting than the debate itself. I feel like Obama is being too nice and McCain is winning. I am surprised to find out later that more people thought Obama “won” the debate.

Saturday

8:30am – I’m a big fan of drinking coffee outside on a crisp fall morning.

1:30pm – We decide to take a hike around the land that the cabin is on. We take advantage of a few photo ops along the way.

The Allains

The Deckers (Jon, Erin, Addison)

The DaCostas (Than, Kandace, Brady)

6:00pm – Jeff & Meredith arrive at the cabin. We set up a mannequin head and some pages ripped out of a Glamour Magazine as targets and shoot guns at them. It’s only the second time I’ve shot a gun, but I enjoyed it. (if you were wondering, I think it was a .22 9mm). I was careful not to be around any murder scenes for the rest of the day as I knew I had gunshot residue on my hands. (Thanks CSI!)

Than shooting the 9mm

10:00pm – We enjoy some crappy cigars and decide that the bullet holes we put in the mannequin’s head were not quite enough punishment. Unnamed assailant #1 lit the mannequin’s hair on fire. Unnamed assailant #2 sprayed various aerosol sprays onto said hair in hopes of encouraging the flames. Ever the journalist, I said nothing and took pictures. When our campfire is discovered by the concerned wives of the assailants, it is quickly extinguished. Despite some residual anger, the marriages can be saved. The mannequin head, however, is a lost cause.

Fiery Mannequin Heads are Fun

11:30pm – It’s guys versus girls in a rousing game of Catchphrase. In a moment of equal parts triumph and embarrassment, I correctly guess “Hermionne Granger” from clues like ‘Herman, and rhymes with danger’. Random Harry Potter trivia…that’s how I roll. The guys win 3 games to 2, but you probably already figured that because we are some brilliant men.

12:30am – Jeff wants us to go look for bears in the woods. Than has other, equally unappealing ideas. Jon is tired. So am I. We decide to crash.

Sunday

5:00am – I get up to pee. It is pouring outside. We are supposed to golf today. It is my birthday. Boo. Back to bed.

7:44am – I officially turn 32 years old at this very minute. I am asleep however, and celebrate the moment by having a dream that I am preaching at church, only I don’t have any notes and the service is getting chaotic. Dumbest. Dream. Ever.

8:30am – Erin makes me a ham and cheese omelet. This is better than any birthday cake, hands down. I get birthday wishes from my kids and a wonderfully sweet card from my wife. She’s the best.

12:30pm – The rain finally lets up. Parker goes to the pond with Jeff and Meredith and catches a fish. We play some Rummikub. Jon challenges Parker to a Wii boxing match and gets destroyed. Jon makes good on his pre-fight promise and bows to Parker, much to Parker’s delight.

Parker revels in his boxing win

2:30pm – The weather is so nice now, we decide to go golfing. It is my birthday after all. We stop at a mini-mart to buy gatorade. I have the following conversation with the 50-year old cashier:

Me: It’s my birthday.

Cashier: Oh! Happy Birthday!

Me: Thanks! I’m telling everyone.

Cashier: *stares blankly at me, wondering why a 32-year old is acting like an 8-year old*

5:00pm – We finish up 9 holes at the beautiful FreeStone Golf Course. I played lousy, but I did chip in for birdie on #4, so that rocked.

8:30pm – We pull into our driveway, exhausted and ready for bed. Always nice to get away for a couple days with friends. Thanks to Jon/Erin for having us and thanks to the Mannequin Head for being so willing to cooperate.

ON THE RELAXATION FRONT: I’m headed out the door to a company golf outing, excited to have some fun with folks I see 5 days a week dressed in business casual.

ON THE CHAOS FRONT: Jim Cantore is on the Weather Channel right now in Galveston, TX and it looks like Hurricane Ike had a few surprises for the Lone Star State. According to Jim, the Hurricane strengthened as it made landfall, which is not normal, and is currently over Houston with 110 MPH winds.

Some of the Caedmon’s guys are in Houston, so my thoughts are on them today. Cliff, Danielle, and their family. Josh Moore, Jeff Miller, and their wives as well. Looks like many folks in SE Texas could be out of power for over a week, which is going to make for uncomfortable living considering it’s going to be in the mid-80s all week.

Hope your weekend’s got more relaxation than chaos…and if it does, say a prayer for those on the other end of the spectrum.