It’s always perplexed me how we try to convince young children that all animals are cute and cuddly with the cartoons, the coloring book illustrations, and the stuffed animals.

I’m not buying it. Never have.

In fact, this is what I envision bears talking about when humans aren’t around.

The Truth About Bears – an original short film written and produced by Bryan Allain

this video was my first, and definitely not my last, video made at xtranormal.com.

Getting dumped was the worst, wasn’t it?

Believe me when I tell you it was the worst because I should know. I went out* with a bunch girls in junior high and was dumped by all but one of them.**

*by “went out”, I mean that we referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and occasionally made eye contact while passing notes. There was no “going” anywhere. As I’ve said before, you can Google “Worst Boyfriend Ever” and read all about my junior high relationships.

**Of all the girls I “went out” with, Tracey might have been the nicest one and I dumped her twice. I’m an idiot.

Anyhoo, based on my extensive research, here’s what I’ve come up with.

The 10 Most Popular Ways to Get Dumped in Junior High

(ranked from least to most heart-wrenching)

1 – The Note. This is the easiest way to get dumped. You can read the news slowly or get it over quickly. Choose Your Own Breakup Pace! You can also use the note to dry your tears, so bonus points if she scribbled it down on a napkin during lunch. Later that night you can re-read the note for the 375th time, looking for clues to see if there’s a chance she’s still into you. And when you finally realize it’s over, you can burn the note and feel some real closure. It’s a win for everyone.

2 – The Friendly Water Fountain. My research has shown that 41% of all middle school breakups occur at the water fountain. There must be something about water that tastes like dirty iron that is an antidote for love. But hey, at least she asked YOUR friend to deliver the news to you. What she’s saying is, “I don’t care enough about you to do this gently, but I’m sure Jason does so I’ll let him tell you that I think you’re an idiot and not nearly as cute as you were last week.” And if Jason’s a real friend he’ll leave out the details and just tell you you’re dumped, and then he’ll ask you to come over later to play Contra on his Nintendo to help with the healing process because he knows the code to get 30 lives instead of 3. Now that’s a real friend.

3 – The Enemy Water Fountain. This is just like the last one, except it’s HER friend and she doesn’t let you down as easy as your buddy did. Probably because she was the one trying to convince her best friend to dump you for the last two weeks. She probably even cracked a slight smile when she delivered the news that made you want to punch her in the face. But you didn’t because you’re a lover, not a fighter. And because she could probably beat you up.

4 – The Alexander Graham Bell. Of all the ways to get the news directly from your (ex)-girlfriend, over the phone is definitely the easiest. You can’t see the smile on her face and she can’t see your ugly “I’m trying not to cry” face. And if things get too awkward, either of you can just hang up and destroy the phone call the way she just destroyed your heart. Thanks for nothing, technology.

5 – The After School Special. If she’s going to dump you face to face, at least she did it right as you were leaving school. This gives you a solid 16 hours to go through the 7 stages of grieving. And hey, if you can successfully make yourself puke in the morning by thinking about making out with the mustachioed cafeteria lady when she’s got a mouthful of school french fries, you can stay home from school and turn that 16 hours into 40!

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To see the second half of this list, click here.

PS … I’ve got a guest post today at Stuff Christians Like – 10 Ways to Know You’re at a Christian Concert.

Some lists need no introduction because you’ve seen them a hundred times and they make perfect sense. Top 10 Blogs I visit, 5 Reasons to go to Catalyst This Year, and 21 Ways to Make Money While on the Toilet, to name a few.

Then there are other lists that need no introduction because, well, they just don’t need an introduction.

(and yes, I guess all that technically qualifies as an introduction. Stop nitpicking.)

The 15 Most Embarrassing Non-Sexual Things To Catch Your Grandparents Doing.

1. Clipping Al Roker’s Toenails – Maybe Al needed some help with this a few years ago, but he’s lost a lot of weight since then grandpa. He can do that himself. And grandma, if you’re going to help out at least use some nail clippers. I don’t care how sharp your incisors are, that’s just wrong.

2. Doing Jello shots – Can’t you guys just sip whiskey or red wine like everyone else’s grandparents? And please, stop dancing on the table grandma, you’re going to hit your heard on the ceiling fan. Again.

3. Worshiping at a David Hasselhoff shrine – Oh grandma, I’m sorry to interrupt prayer time, I smelled the candles burning and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. Are you crying? Geesh, I’m really sorry. I should have knocked, I apolo…and…that’s totally a picture of David Hasselhoff that you’re clutching isn’t it? Wait, is that the Baywatch theme coming from your cassette deck? And why does it smell like Hawaiian Tropic lotion in here?

4. Ranking their favorite grandkids on a giant whiteboard – I don’t know what makes me more upset, the fact that you’re ranking all of us or the fact that I’m 6th out of 10. I mean, I always say “thanks for slipping me that $5 bill” more than any of the other kids. You’d think that would have at least got me into the Top 3, you heartless animals!

5. Eating Dog Food – I don’t care how much it tastes like real bacon, grandpa, that’s just disgusting. Can you at least save yourself a sliver of dignity and use a spoon?

6. Stabbing a voodoo doll - Um, guys what are you doing with that doll? Hey hey! Why are you shoving that letter opener into it’s chest like that? You’re gonna make a mess! You’re getting cotton all over the dining room floor and I’m gonna be the one who has to clean…wait a second, what’s written on it’s stomach? “Osama Bin Laden”? You guys are stabbing a Bin Laden voodoo doll? Have you guys been watching the 700 Club again?

7. Lighting their farts on fire – I’d warn you guys about the urban legend that says those flaming farts could travel up your intestines and burn you alive, but I’ll be honest, that would be a pretty cool way for you to go.

8. Counting Chuck E. Cheese Tickets – Guys, if you really want a plastic spider ring I think there’s enough margin in your pension to get you one. Oh, you’re saving up 10,000 tickets for the razor scooter? Well in that case keep counting. There’s no way we’ll be able to find one of those at a toy store for a reasonable price.

9. Doing P90X – I’d argue that you guys really shouldn’t be worrying about a beach body anymore, but if grandpa is going to insist on the Speedo again next summer, every little bit will help.

10. Sitting in Adjacent Bathtubs – I almost left this off the list because it is sexually-related. Then I realized there’s absolutely nothing sexual about sitting in your own bathtub next to someone sitting in their own bathtub.

11. Performing surgeries on stuffed animals – I’ve got to be honest, as cute as it is that you guys are dressed up in scrubs and talking to each other in doctor lingo, watching you take off that giraffe’s neck with a steak knife will probably haunt me for the rest of time.

12. Using MySpace – Unless you guys started a band this week and didn’t tell me about it, you really should think about coming over to Facebook.

13. Doing the Soulja Boy Dance – Grandpa, you do realize you just said “Superman that ho!”? I can only hope grandma has no idea what that means.

14. Watching Barney – I don’t care if this is an episode you haven’t seen yet, they all end the same. The kids revolt and stab the big purple dinosaur to death with a harpoon, then they burn his carcass on a funeral pyre and shoot up heroin. (At least, that’s how the episodes end in my head.)

15. Running an illegal gambling ring out of their bedroom – What’s going on in here? *cough* You guys are going to set off the fire alarm with all this cigar smoke *cough* Are you taking NFL futures bets? Why are you guys doing this? It’s illegal, not to mention the seedy characters you you’re dealing with. Wait a second, you’ve got the Ravens at 18:1 to win the Super Bowl next year? Wow, there’s some real value there. Screw it, put me down for a hundred on Baltimore.

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What about you? Got any ideas that I missed?

Ever catch your grandparents involved in an embarrassing, non-sexual activity?

Last month I shared with you a little known piece of the Old Testament, Psalm 151 – A Psalm of Jack Bauer. (Which may or may not be included in the “Secret Agent Bible” being released by ZonderHouse next year.)

This month it’s another snippet from my Old Testament According to Jack Bauer proposal.

Without further ado, I present to you…

Top 10 Reasons you DO NOT want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner.

10. He refuses to speak until he’s patted you down for hidden weapons or wiretaps.

9. Tough to keep his attention when he’s constantly downloading building schematics on his phone.

8. He can’t really sympathize with your “tough week at home with the kids” because he almost died 6 times last week, and actually did die once but was revived by a stray power line that landed in his mouth.

7. He’s got television cameras following him everywhere. And insane terrorists. And the government. And an unlucky daughter.

6. He cancels half of your meetings with text messages like “Sorry cant make mtg. Undercover in Iraqi Prison making a shiv out of stale bread. Breakfast Monday?”

5. He’s always got the scent of danger and B.O. going, and it kind of makes you throw up in your mouth a little if you get too close.

4. Impossible for him to get through a meeting without jamming a needle full of truth serum into the base of your neck, which kind of hurts.

3. Too much yelling.

2. Tough to know how to respond to, “How I’m doing with God? HOW AM I DOING WITH GOD??? I KILLED 18 PEOPLE LAST NIGHT WHO WERE TRYING TO SMUGGLE A DIRTY BOMB INTO MIAMI, AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY FATHER! THAT’S HOW I’M DOING WITH GOD!”

and finally, the #1 reason you do not want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner…

1. When he finds out you’re lying to him…and he will…you’re dead.

Earlier this year I was talking to a publisher about an idea that revolved around sticking characters from The Office into Old Testament stories.

In the end, the Publisher backed out with concerns that the project was too ephemeral, which, while frustrating, was probably true.

While this idea might not be able to carry a whole book, I figured that the blog would be a great place to share one of the sample pieces from the proposal…so here you go.

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Noah’s Ark According to The Office

Michael: “Alright people, listen up. God just told me we are supposed to build an ark because he is going to destroy the earth with a flood. He’s only going to save two of every animal and the employees here at Dundler Mifflin in Scranton, because I am such a great leader.”

Jim: “Did he say that last part, or did you make it up?”

Michael: “He implied it.”

Toby: “Wait, God’s going to wipe out the whole earth? Michael, that’s terrible!”

Michael: “No Toby, what’s terrible is that you will be on the ark with us, sucking up valuable oxygen that could have been used to save a second pair of hamsters. But, God insisted.”

Andy: “Well, give me a hammer and call me Roberto Vila. I am ready to build, boss man.”

Jim: “Wait, are we building this boat ourselves? Or are we hiring people to build it who … actually know how to build a boat?”

Dwight: “Please Halpert, I can build a boat with my eyes closed. I once built a miniature scale replica of Hogwart’s Castle for my pet wolverine. Made it out of toothpicks and badger feces.”

Jim: “Exactly.”

Michael: “Yes, we will be building the boat. But fear not, because God has given me the blueprints. And based on my extensive carpentry experience, I’d say we should be done in a few months.”

…100 years later, the boat is finished.

Excerpts from the ark’s journal:

Dwight – Day 5
Teambuilding activities are such a joke. Had I been allowed to build this ark myself it would have taken 100 days instead of 100 years. Have you seen Phyllis swing a hammer? That woman has the muscle definition of a bag of yogurt. Thankfully I used the extra time to build a series of secret passageways that connect every room in this ship. Sleep with one eye open, people.

Jim – Day 7
Pam and I built our own bedroom together, which was kind of cool. Except for the part when I found Dwight’s secret passageway into our room, which was beyond creepy. So I spent the next few weeks rerouting the tunnel to lead into the crap hole. That’s going to be a fun day.

Creed – Day 33
I watched two jackals make love today. Hadn’t seen that in years.

Kevin – Day 33
The jackal sex was like watching the end of a Hot Dog eating contest. Gross, but awesome.

Michael – Day 75
Stanley told me if I pull the Titanic thing one more time, he’s going to throw me overboard. I don’t know what he has against Leo DiCaprio. He must have a thing for Kate Winslet.

Stanley – Day 75
Today was the 75th day in a row Michael has climbed up on the front of the boat and shouted “I’m the King of the Earth!” Forget the flood. The real miracle is that I haven’t killed him yet.

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