In an attempt to clean up our vernacular, I’ve chosen a few expressions that I’m trying to get removed from our everyday speech.

My 7 Least Favorite Cliches

“He’s going to eat us out of house and home.” – Look, I understand that if someone quite literally did not stop eating, eventually the cost of the food would cause you to miss mortgage payments and lose your house to the bank. So “eaten out of house” I understand.

But the home too? Can someone eat so much that it breaks up the very bonds of the family unit? Can the fibers of love that hold our families together be shredded to bits by an insatiable hunger? I’m gonna say no.

“That’s like comparing apples and oranges.” – Why is it wrong to compare apples and oranges? They’re both pieces of fruit…what’s the big deal? Apples are less messy to eat and offer a wider variety of choices. Oranges taste better and make a better juice. Which one do i like better? Oranges. There, I just compared them. Not really a big deal, was it?

Try comparing apples to something else like a pair of scissors. Now that’s a tough comparison. Next time you hear, “that’s like comparing apples and oranges.” say to them, “actually it’s more like comparing apples and scissors.”

“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” – No one in the history of the world has ever purposefully or accidentally thrown out the baby with the bath water. No matter how nasty or disgusting the bath water is, I can guarantee that said baby’s parents never considered ditching the baby because of it.

Not to mention that all of our sinks and bathtubs have drains these days. No one has “thrown out” any water for the past 100 years. This is the most meaningless expression in the entire English language.

“Open up a can of worms” – If I asked you to go buy me an unopened can of worms, how long would it take you? A day? A week? Forever? The only people who should be allowed to use this expression are people who have actually seen an unopened can of worms. That would render this expression immediately extinct.

“Got out of the wrong side of the bed” – Apparently people were so stupid 150 years ago that they thought putting your left foot on the floor before your right as you got out of bed was bad luck. Is it me, or have we come a long way as a culture in the past century and a half?

Not only that, think of how poor Johnny the civil war veteran felt about this expression. He lost his right leg when he stepped in a rusty cougar trap. Johnny got out of the bed on the wrong side every day. The next time you’re tempted to use this phrase, think of what it feels like to step in a cougar trap, you heartless cur.

“Bite the Bullet” – Legend has it that they used to give wounded soldiers a bullet to bite on when undergoing surgical procedures before the invention of anesthesia. Maybe I’m an idiot, but couldn’t we have found something less dangerous for these guys to stick between their clenched teeth than a live round? How about a rock? A piece of wood? An angry mongoose? I guess it wasn’t bad enough that these guys were having limbs amputated with no pain meds, we wanted to try and blow all the teeth out of their mouth as well.

“It’s raining cats and dogs” – This just doesn’t make any sense. Ever say this around a child? Their puzzled expressions say it all.

If you insist on using animals to describe how hard it is raining, at the very least mix it up a little bit. Go with something like “It’s raining bison and peregrine falcons”. While not as quick to roll off the tongue, it gets the point across while showing off a bit of creative flair.

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You have any expressions and cliches you’re tired of hearing?

Add them to the list and we’ll work together to try to get rid of them.

Last month I shared with you a little known piece of the Old Testament, Psalm 151 – A Psalm of Jack Bauer. (Which may or may not be included in the “Secret Agent Bible” being released by ZonderHouse next year.)

This month it’s another snippet from my Old Testament According to Jack Bauer proposal.

Without further ado, I present to you…

Top 10 Reasons you DO NOT want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner.

10. He refuses to speak until he’s patted you down for hidden weapons or wiretaps.

9. Tough to keep his attention when he’s constantly downloading building schematics on his phone.

8. He can’t really sympathize with your “tough week at home with the kids” because he almost died 6 times last week, and actually did die once but was revived by a stray power line that landed in his mouth.

7. He’s got television cameras following him everywhere. And insane terrorists. And the government. And an unlucky daughter.

6. He cancels half of your meetings with text messages like “Sorry cant make mtg. Undercover in Iraqi Prison making a shiv out of stale bread. Breakfast Monday?”

5. He’s always got the scent of danger and B.O. going, and it kind of makes you throw up in your mouth a little if you get too close.

4. Impossible for him to get through a meeting without jamming a needle full of truth serum into the base of your neck, which kind of hurts.

3. Too much yelling.

2. Tough to know how to respond to, “How I’m doing with God? HOW AM I DOING WITH GOD??? I KILLED 18 PEOPLE LAST NIGHT WHO WERE TRYING TO SMUGGLE A DIRTY BOMB INTO MIAMI, AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY FATHER! THAT’S HOW I’M DOING WITH GOD!”

and finally, the #1 reason you do not want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner…

1. When he finds out you’re lying to him…and he will…you’re dead.

Before I ever had the idea to stick characters from The Office into the Old Testament, I thought it would be interesting to do the same with Jack Bauer.

Like the Office idea, nothing has come of this one yet. But some of the stuff I put in the proposal was fun, including this attempt by Jack Bauer at writing his own Psalm.

Let me know what you think.

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Psalm 151

a Psalm of Jack Bauer

1 O God, You are My God, I will seek you earnestly in my hour of need.

2 Though the cable ties cut off circulation to my hands, though they are tied tight enough that I can’t slip away, I will still trust in you.

3 Though I hear voices discussing ways of disposing of my dead body, and I have to say, they’ve got some creative ideas. Yet I will still trust in you.

4 Though they have taken my phone from me, which really ticks me off because I have stuff on there I really can’t afford to lose, I will still trust in you.

5 Though my daughter Kim is in a perilous situation right now involving a mountain lion, a magician, and a vat of anthrax-laced beef stew, still I will trust in you.

6 Though these men are smart enough to have placed moles in high-ranking government positions, yet dumb enough to not have killed me yet, still I will trust in you.

7 And wait, what is this! The broken bone sticking out of my right forearm! It is sharp enough to cut through the plastic of my restraints!

8 As the cable ties drop to the ground, so to do the bloody heads of my captors, and I praise your name!

9 You have delivered me from out of this lair; now please deliver my cell phone back to my pocket. I’ve got building schematics for a hostage rescue on there.

10 And a Scrabble App I paid ten bucks for.

Selah.

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Earlier this year I was talking to a publisher about an idea that revolved around sticking characters from The Office into Old Testament stories. In the end, the Publisher backed out with concerns that the project was too ephemeral, leaving me with nothing in my hands but a dictionary to look up what that meant.

I still think this idea would make for a great book. Thought it would be fun to share one of the sample pieces from the proposal with y’all. Let me know what you think. Does this work, or would an idea like this be too “…lasting a very short time; short-lived; transitory…”?

Michael: “Alright people, listen up. God just told me we are supposed to build an ark because he is going to destroy the earth with a flood. He’s only going to save two of every animal and the employees here at Dundler Mifflin in Scranton, because I am such a great leader.”

Jim: “Did he say that last part, or did you make it up?”

Michael: “He implied it.”

Toby: “Wait, God’s going to wipe out the whole earth? Michael, that’s terrible!”

Michael: “No Toby, what’s terrible is that you will be on the ark with us, sucking up valuable oxygen that could have been used to save a second pair of hamsters. But, God insisted.”

Andy: “Well, give me a hammer and call me Roberto Vila. I am ready to build, boss man.”

Jim: “Wait, are we building this boat ourselves? Or are we hiring people to build it who … actually know how to build a boat?”

Dwight: “Please Halpert, I can build a boat with my eyes closed. I once built a miniature scale replica of Hogwart’s Castle for my pet wolverine. Made it out of toothpicks and badger feces.”

Jim: “Exactly.”

Michael: “Yes, we will be building the boat. But fear not, because God has given me the blueprints. And based on my extensive carpentry experience, I’d say we should be done in a few months.”

…100 years later, the boat is finished.

Excerpts from the ark’s journal:

Dwight – Day 5
Teambuilding activities are such a joke. Had I been allowed to build this ark myself it would have taken 100 days instead of 100 years. Have you seen Phyllis swing a hammer? That woman has the muscle definition of a bag of yogurt. Thankfully I used the extra time to build a series of secret passageways that connect every room in this ship. Sleep with one eye open, people.

Jim – Day 7
Pam and I built our own bedroom together, which was kind of cool. Except for the part when I found Dwight’s secret passageway into our room, which was beyond creepy. So I spent the next few weeks rerouting the tunnel to lead into the crap hole. That’s going to be a fun day.

Creed – Day 33
I watched two jackals make love today. Hadn’t seen that in years.

Kevin – Day 33
The jackal sex was like watching the end of a Hot Dog eating contest. Gross, but awesome.

Michael – Day 75
Stanley told me if I pull the Titanic thing one more time, he’s going to throw me overboard. I don’t know what he has against Leo DiCaprio. He must have a thing for Kate Winslet.

Stanley – Day 75
Today was the 75th day in a row Michael has climbed up on the front of the boat and shouted “I’m the King of the Earth!” Forget the flood. The real miracle is that I haven’t killed him yet.

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