In an attempt to clean up our vernacular, I’ve chosen a few expressions that I’m trying to get removed from our everyday speech.

My 7 Least Favorite Cliches

“He’s going to eat us out of house and home.” – Look, I understand that if someone quite literally did not stop eating, eventually the cost of the food would cause you to miss mortgage payments and lose your house to the bank. So “eaten out of house” I understand.

But the home too? Can someone eat so much that it breaks up the very bonds of the family unit? Can the fibers of love that hold our families together be shredded to bits by an insatiable hunger? I’m gonna say no.

“That’s like comparing apples and oranges.” – Why is it wrong to compare apples and oranges? They’re both pieces of fruit…what’s the big deal? Apples are less messy to eat and offer a wider variety of choices. Oranges taste better and make a better juice. Which one do i like better? Oranges. There, I just compared them. Not really a big deal, was it?

Try comparing apples to something else like a pair of scissors. Now that’s a tough comparison. Next time you hear, “that’s like comparing apples and oranges.” say to them, “actually it’s more like comparing apples and scissors.”

“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” – No one in the history of the world has ever purposefully or accidentally thrown out the baby with the bath water. No matter how nasty or disgusting the bath water is, I can guarantee that said baby’s parents never considered ditching the baby because of it.

Not to mention that all of our sinks and bathtubs have drains these days. No one has “thrown out” any water for the past 100 years. This is the most meaningless expression in the entire English language.

“Open up a can of worms” – If I asked you to go buy me an unopened can of worms, how long would it take you? A day? A week? Forever? The only people who should be allowed to use this expression are people who have actually seen an unopened can of worms. That would render this expression immediately extinct.

“Got out of the wrong side of the bed” – Apparently people were so stupid 150 years ago that they thought putting your left foot on the floor before your right as you got out of bed was bad luck. Is it me, or have we come a long way as a culture in the past century and a half?

Not only that, think of how poor Johnny the civil war veteran felt about this expression. He lost his right leg when he stepped in a rusty cougar trap. Johnny got out of the bed on the wrong side every day. The next time you’re tempted to use this phrase, think of what it feels like to step in a cougar trap, you heartless cur.

“Bite the Bullet” – Legend has it that they used to give wounded soldiers a bullet to bite on when undergoing surgical procedures before the invention of anesthesia. Maybe I’m an idiot, but couldn’t we have found something less dangerous for these guys to stick between their clenched teeth than a live round? How about a rock? A piece of wood? An angry mongoose? I guess it wasn’t bad enough that these guys were having limbs amputated with no pain meds, we wanted to try and blow all the teeth out of their mouth as well.

“It’s raining cats and dogs” – This just doesn’t make any sense. Ever say this around a child? Their puzzled expressions say it all.

If you insist on using animals to describe how hard it is raining, at the very least mix it up a little bit. Go with something like “It’s raining bison and peregrine falcons”. While not as quick to roll off the tongue, it gets the point across while showing off a bit of creative flair.

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You have any expressions and cliches you’re tired of hearing?

Add them to the list and we’ll work together to try to get rid of them.

If you work in an office you hear the same dumb exchanges all the time. These are expressions that people use over and over again that really don’t mean what they used to mean.

It’s enough to drive you crazy…or drive you to write a blog post.

Here’s some of my (least) favorites:

“Nothing new, man, Just Livin’ The Dream!”

yeah, we get it. this is not your dream job. and yet you work here. it’s more like a nightmare, right? That’s why this is funny, right? Truth is, I’m actually guilty of saying this from time to time.  And like I said on Twitter yesterday, every time I say it I want to punch myself in the face.

“How was my weekend?… Not long enough!”

You mean 2 days away from work wasn’t enough time to complete a to-do list that’s longer than Psalm 119? You mean you prefer being in the comfort of your own home to being stuck in an office laboring beside people you’d rather not be around? Gee, i’ve never ever thought of how amazing life would be if I spent 5 days at home and 2 days at work. You’re right, my weekend wasn’t long enough either!

“I’ll tell you how it’s going, Same sh@!, Different Day.”

Wow, now there’s a new saying I’ve never heard. Oh wait, never mind, actually I have heard it before…every day for the last 10 years. In fact, you’re unoriginal cliched response is the “same poop” that everyone else is referring to when they say this same thing.

“Working Hard or Hardly Working?” (submitted via Twitter by Jeff Holland)

So let me get this straight, i have 2 options here? I’m either killing myself getting work done or not doing anything at all? Sorry, that’s not how I roll. I work at a steady pace. Stop trying to label me as a slacker or a workaholic with your cutesy questions and get back to work.

“Say hi to the wife and kids for me.” (submitted via Twitter by Ryan Dagen)

You know what? Probably not gonna do that. Because first of all, I don’t think you even know their names. And second of all, you remember when you almost got fired for those emails you sent about that intern? Well, I mentioned that to my wife and she wasn’t too thrilled with your behavior. So maybe it’s better off If I don’t pass those greetings along.

Besides, after reading Bryan Allain’s posts on The Middleman Hi earlier this year, I refuse to be the middleman in a Hi Exchange.

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Your turn.

What expressions do people overuse at your workplace that drive you crazy?

One of my favorite cliches is “That’s a great question!”

You might not think of it as a cliche, but people say it all the time and it rarely means what it actually says. Let me explain…

The 3 Meanings of “That’s a Great Question”

#1 – “That’s a Great Question” – On rare occasions, someone will actually ask a great question. If this happens to you, let them know. For Example…

Question: “Now that you’ve won this 12 million dollar powerball lottery, how are you going to stay grounded and keep your life from spinning out of countrol?”

Response: “That’s a great question. Because honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. In fact, if you have any good ideas for how to keep me from going nuts with this money, I’ll buy you 3 yachts.”

#2 – “I have no idea what the answer to that question is” – If you’re supposed to know the answer to something, but you have no idea what it is you have two options:

1. admit you’re a dummy. or…

2. pretend like the question was so amazing, that there’s no way you could have known it.

For example…

Question: “Pastor Jim, how many gospels are there in the Bible again?”

Response: “That’s a great question, Timmy. There’s a few of them in the New Testament. And have you ever read Titus before? I bet you haven’t. You might want to check it out.”

#3 – “I do not want to answer that question” – If someone is trying to be polite, instead of telling you they’re not comfortable answering your question, they’ll opt for mock flattery as a way of distracting you from the fact that they’re not going to answer your question. For example…

Question: “So Tyler, have you ever created fake Twitter accounts in order to beat Bryan in your race to 1000 Twitter Followers?”

Response: “That’s a great question. Twitter is a great tool for keeping in touch with different groups of people, and I’ve certainly found it beneficial to have multiple accounts in order to keep my networking systems intact.”

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Has anyone else ever noticed this before, am I the only one? (and no, you can’t respond in the comments by telling me that’s a great question…unless you think it is)

And while we’re here, now’s a great time to follow me on Twitter to hear all the crappy jokes that aren’t good enough or long enough to make it onto the blog. Tyler’s beating me 810-675…I’m running out of time.

Yesterday I talked about the reason why it sucks to be the Middleman in a “Hi” exchange. Today’s my goal is to help eradicate the Middleman Hi forever. But first, a quick history lesson:

Back 100 years ago before Steve Jobs and Al Gore ever conspired to create the internet, people had to actually see each other to say “hi”. There were no phone calls or tweets or texts.

So if it was 1908 and I was hanging out with Chad, and he was going to see Jake tomorrow, I would tell Chad, “Tell Jake I said Hi”. You know why? Because I couldn’t tell Jake myself. As the middleman, Chad was the only medium I had between Jake and I to make a connection.

But nowadays there’s a myriad of mediums that keep us all connected. Phone, email, text, tweet, chat, facebook, smoke signals, and so on. Because of this, there is no longer a need for a middle man.

“Tell them I said Hi” should be as obsolete in our culture as encyclopedia sets and European sports car VHS tape rewinders.

The Bottom Line is: If you want to say “hi” to me, then say “hi” to me. No more of this Middleman crap.

Still with me? (Of course you are.) So what do we do about this? The answer is simple. We need to band together and deny the ” Middleman Hi”. And in order to be successful at this, we need to come at it from all 3 potential angles.

The 3 Ways to Deny the Middleman Hi

1. DO NOT be the person who says “Tell so and so I said Hi”

To help you fight this urge, let’s look at the 3 reasons we usually use this phrase…

1. We want someone to know we were thinking of them. LOOK…If you legitimately want to say hi to someone, stop being such a lazy turd and call them yourself.
2. We want the middleman to think we care about the person we are directing the “Hi” at. Maybe the girl you’re talking to (and hoping to get with) mentions her parents, who you’ve met once before. So you say “Tell them I said Hi”, but really you mean, “Look at how caring I am. I care about your parents, and I want you to know that I care about them so my chances of making out with you the next time we see each other are a little higher.” LOOK…truth is either she wants to make out with you or she doesn’t. Pretending to care about her parents isn’t going to help.
3. We dont care about anyone involved in the discussion and don’t know what else to say. Your Uncle Leo tells you that your cousin Jeffrey just started working for the Parks Department and you couldn’t possibly care any less. So instead of saying, “I don’t care”, you say “Oh, tell him I said hi.” LOOK…by having Leo telling Jeffrey “Hi” for you, you’re digging your own grave. Show Leo you don’t care, and maybe he stops with the mundane updates.

2. DO NOT let someone use you as the Middleman to carry the “Hi”

Remember the 3 reasons for the Middleman Hi? (I hope so since you just read them.) Well, when someone asks you to be the carrier pigeon for their greeting, quickly figure out what they’re up to and respond accordingly:

1. They want someone to know they were thinking of them. Excuse yourself from the greeting by telling them “if you want to say hi to so and so, just give them a call yourself. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.” Be polite, but firm.
2. They want you to think they care about the person they’re directing the “Hi” at. Call them on it. “Really? You want me to say hi to my parents for you? Either you’re unsuccessfully trying to impress me or you’re really weird. Let’s never talk again.”
3. They don’t care about anyone involved in the discussion and don’t know what else to say. If you realize their “hi” was as hollow as a balloon, pop it. “You know what, we both know you didn’t mean that ‘hi’. Let’s pretend it never happened and move on.”

3. DO NOT accept any “Hi” delivered by a Middleman

Finally, and most importantly, if you’re offered a Middleman Hi you MUST deny it. Let the Middleman know that you are refusing the greeting by literally saying “Denied!”.

1. Someone wanted you to know they were thinking of you. Your response: “That’s great that they reached out to me through you, but they know how to get a hold me of themselves. The hi is Denied!”
2. Someone was pretending to care about you in order to impress the Middleman. Your response: “Obviously that ‘Hi’ you just delivered was meant to impress you and not meant to greet me. I hope you don’t end up making out with that fraud. The hi is Denied!”
3. Someone threw you a “Hi” with absolutely no meaning or feeling behind it. Your response: “Hey Mr. Postman, thanks for delivering the conversational equivalent of junk mail. Three words: Return To Sender. Four more words: The hi is Denied!”

Sorry that was so exhaustive, but I’m not messing around here.

My hope is that every time you speak or hear “Tell them I said Hi” you think of this post. And then you immediately chip in and do your part to eradicate this expression from our culture. I’m counting on you. (Unless, of course, you think the Middleman Hi is a good thing, in which case I’d like to hear your side of things.)

Thoughts, comments, encouragement, and help with anything I might have overlooked are welcomed, as always, in the comments.

“Tell them I said Hi”

7 reasons that these might be my 5 least favorite words in the English language

1. Making me the Middleman. You see what you’ve done here? By asking my to say hi to someone for you, you’ve made me the middleman. Like a drug mule traversing the deserts of New Mexico, I’m now responsible for carrying your cargo with me until I reach my destination.

2. The Indifferent Response. Chances are, when I relay your “Hi” to this person, they are not going to know what to say. It will come out something like, “Oh! cool.” Or maybe a half-hearted “Aww. I miss them!”. But probably they won’t really care that “so and so said hi”, and then the conversation will stall like an 84 Datsun on a February morning in Vermont.

3. The Return of Serve. The only thing worse than the Indifferent Response is when the person really cares. Suddenly they’re asking you to carry a “Hi” back to the original greeter. Are you kidding me? What do I look like, a walking Hallmark Card Exchange? As if I don’t have enough going on in my life, now I need to be the taut string between the empty cans you’re talking into? Instead of giving me a return “Hi”, why don’t you just stick a shiv in my pancreas?

4. The Dangers of Dropping the Ball. 9 times out of 10 if you forget to deliver the “Hi”, no one will be the wiser. But there’s always that chance that the 2 people will run into each other at Panera and one will mention, “Yeah I was hanging out with Bryan the other day and I was telling him to say Hi to you for me because it had been too long.” And then the other one is like, “Oh yeah? I saw Bryan last night at the game and he didn’t mention that you said “Hi“. And then the first person is like, “What a self-consumed piece of fecal that guy is.” and the other one is like, “Yeah, let’s go spell ‘Hi’ on his lawn with grass killer.”

5. I Probably Don’t Care. I’ve got a handful of good friends in life, but I’m not walking around like the Verizon guy or anything. So what are the chances that I really care enough about you AND the person I am supposed to deliver the “Hi” to that I am going to go through the trouble of handing off your meaningless greeting? I’ll tell you. They’re slimmer than Usain Bolt after a colonoscopy.

6. How about Meaningful Message? Carrying a “Hi” from one person to another is like driving 6 hours to hand deliver a styrofoam peanut. Really, is a ‘Hi’ all you got? can we maybe make up some news here? Can I tell them that you’re pregnant or that you’re thinking about joining the military? Can I tell them you said “Hi” from your swine flu death bed? Can I at least tell them a secret that I’m not suppsed to know about you.  Honestly, anything is better than the “Hi”. I’d rather deliver the word “pickle” than the word “hi”.

7. Why don’t you just tell them “Hi” yourself? You know what, I’ll expound on this point tomorrow in Part II.

Got some thoughts on the “Tell them I said Hi”? Think it’s a necessary part of the way we interact, or does it bother you too? As always, your insights are welcomed in the comments.

(and here’s Part II of The Middleman Hi, where I lay out a plan to rid us of it forever)