Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re getting a little violent…

Here we go…

“Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger” – and for future reference, even if I’m not just the messenger next time, don’t shoot me then either.

In fact, here’s a rule of thumb to go by for all of our future interactions. No matter what I am, never shoot me.

“Bite the Bullet” – Legend has it that they used to give wounded soldiers a bullet to bite on when undergoing surgical procedures before the invention of anesthesia.

Maybe I’m an idiot, but couldn’t we have found something less dangerous for these guys to stick between their clenched teeth than a live round? How about a rock? A piece of wood? An angry mongoose? I guess it wasn’t bad enough that these guys were having limbs amputated with no pain meds, we wanted to try and blow all the teeth out of their mouth as well.

“I’ll be a son of a gun” – But to be honest, I didn’t have much of a choice. My daddy really did love that female rifle of his.

“He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword” – That’s because most people die in their houses.Truth is, this expression works no matter what you live next to.

Move next to a pumpkin patch and suddenly this expressions becomes “He who lives by the gourd, dies by the gourd.”

“Let’s bury the hatchet” – and let’s hope no one around here owns a metal detector, because if they dig that thing up, our fingerprints are all over it. And blood. There’s a lot of blood on that hatchet. And maybe carving the names of our victims into the wooden handle was too much? Yeah, it probably was. So was autographing the blade in a sharpie.

You know what? Less talking, more digging.

What About You: Any expressions really silencing your gun lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re focusing on a few food related expressions…

Here we go…

“It’s as easy as pie” – Is it as easy as baking a pie or as easy as eating a pie? Because baking a pie isn’t very easy. Not that I’d know because I’ve never actually done it. Because it’s hard.

But eating a pie? Easier than breathing. And arguably more important.

“Don’t cry over spilled milk” – Seriously, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else. All the leucine enkephalin in your tears mixes with the phospholipids in the milk makes it a real bear to get out of the carpets.

Go cry over the plants in the family room, they need to be watered.

“Everything from soup to nuts” – What spectrum could we possibly be talking about in which soup is all the way on one side and nuts are all the way over on the other side?

Perhaps this expression originated in the world’s first grocery store in which the canned soup aisle was along the north wall and the nuts were stacked along the south wall. And when the stock boy asked his boss which aisles needed to be swept, the manager replied, “Sweep the whole store! Everything from soup to nuts!”

“It’s hot enough to fry an egg on a sidewalk” – But how hot does it actually have to be?

…so hot that no one else is outside using the sidewalks who might step on your eggs.

…so hot that you can also toast bread on a sewer grate.

…so hot that you need to put your cup of coffee in the shade or it will evaporate into nothingness.

…so hot that if you need cheese for your omelet, you can squeeze it right out of the cow’s udders.

THAT’S how hot it is.

“He’s the bread winner of the family” – But the truth is, they’d be able to afford some meat and potatoes too if he was gainfully employed.

Heck, he doesn’t even need to get a job, he just needs to start entering contests that offer a better first prize than bread.

What About You: Any expressions really sizzling your bacon lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today’s an all face-related batch of expressions for your sensory pleasure.

Here we go…

“I need that like I need a hole in my head”
In other words, I actually do need that pretty badly. After all, I need 7 holes in my head for my eyes, ears, nostrils, and mouth. Without them I’d probably die, or at least be miserable.

“He’s long in the Tooth”
Wait, how long has he been in the tooth? I’ve lost count at this point, but what a nightmare. When Neil was magically shrunken to the size of a Tic-Tac I thought he had seen the worst of it. But then his nemesis had him placed into a fake incisor in his mouth, where’s Neil’s been trapped ever since. All the bad breath he’s experienced.  All the biting, the burping, the grinding, the vomit, and that disgusting habit he has of chewing wheat thins into a mushy paste and then putting two new wheat things into his mouth to make a mushy paste sandwich. That is a long time to be in the tooth.

“I’m all ears”
And I’m the most disgusting human being on the face of the earth because my entire body is made out of ears. I know I’m ghastly, but must you scream so loudly? I have very sensitive hearing.

“I made it by the skin of my teeth”
No, seriously I just barely made it, and look, i barely have skin on my teeth, so the expression works. What? Why do I have a small amount of skin on my teeth? Oh, because I’m a cannibal. I eat skin. And meat. Please excuse my lack of manners, I would have flossed but I was running late.

“We’re seeing eye to eye”
And while it’s nice to be in agreement with you, the view sucks. Your iris is starting to freak me out. And every time you blink it tickles my retina in a way that makes me want to throw myself into a bonfire. Do you agree with me on that too?

What About You: Any expressions really scraping your plaque lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Here we go…

“Cry me a river” -I’m not convinced your body is capable of producing enough water to create a stream. I mean, even if your entire body mass turned to water, you’d be nothing more than a small puddle that an elephant could lick up in one suck.

Although I’ll put this out there. If you can somehow produce enough tears to form even a mini tributary, I’ll apologize for whatever I did to make you cry so hard.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye” – at which point it’s still games, it’s just not much fun anymore.

I mean, I’m pretty good at the “Who Can Grab the Rolling Eyeball While it’s Owner Flails in Pain” game, but I wouldn’t call it ‘fun’.

“Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” – You had me at “leg”.

“I’m keeping my eye on you” – and I know as long as my squishy, wet eyeball is touching the back of your arm you’ll be too grossed out to do anything stupid.

“Put your foot in your mouth” – What you said was so dumb, the only way for anyone to forget about it is for you to take off your shoe and sock and stick your bare foot into your own mouth, leaving us all confused and a little nauseous.

Actually, now that you’ve done it, I realize that was a mistake too.

You will forever be known as the flexible guy with weird toes who says stupid things.

What About You: Any expressions sharpening your knives lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.