Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where we occasionally deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

It’s been a while since we’ve done this, so let’s jump back into it with some money-related winners.

Here we go…

“Crime doesn’t pay” – If it did, then all these criminals would be able to find gainful employment instead of robbing banks and stealing people’s identities.

Maybe if we find a way to legalize crime so the government can tax it, this world would be a safer place.

“They did it on a shoestring budget” – and frankly we shouldn’t have been surprised. Anyone with the patience to write our their entire budget on a shoelace is more than capable of managing a few thousand dollars.

“He’s got the skills to pay the bills” – But really, with Automatic Bill Pay how much skill does it really take?

Ooh, he knows how to use a mouse and type in an 8-digit account number. In that case, my 7-year old has the skills to pay the bills too.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is” – So you’d like me to remove everything in my checking and savings accounts and staple it between my nose and  chin?

Not sure how that’s going to help my case, but if that’s what it takes for you to believe me, I’ll do it.

“She’s rolling in the dough” – And if anyone from the FDA sees her doing it, her bakery will be shut down immediately and she’ll be broke and living with her parents again.

What About You: It’s been a while since we’ve done this…any expressions draining your bank account lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Here we go…

“You hit the nail on the head” – in other words, “congratulations. you did something that even my 7-year old can do 9 times out of 10 with his eyes closed. You are not special.”

“A penny for your thoughts” – because I cherish your opinions and equate them with the honor and valor bestowed upon Abraham Lincoln, whose face adorns this zinc and copper circle.

Speak to me with the same wisdom and power that our 16th president manifested and I shall listen intently, satisfied with the fact that I am learning from you and that I am no longer carrying around such a worthless coin.

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles” – yeah, actually that’s the way everything crumbles.

Big pieces become smaller pieces which become little bits of cookie dust that you hate to see go to waste so you lick your thumb and press it into the cookie dust and stick your thumb into your mouth, only your wife is not amused because she saw you do it, and so did the company we had over for dinner. oh well. that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

“It’s nothing to write home about” – Since the invention of the telephone this expression now applies to everything in the entire world. #EXTINCT

“The proof is in the pudding” – and suddenly this has turned into the greatest day ever in the life on this CSI agent.

Last week the proof was in puddle of blood. The week before that it was at the bottom of shallow grave. And don’t get me started on the septic tank debacle of ’96. But mmm…pudding.

What About You: Any expressions really toasting your buns?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re getting a little violent…

Here we go…

“Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger” – and for future reference, even if I’m not just the messenger next time, don’t shoot me then either.

In fact, here’s a rule of thumb to go by for all of our future interactions. No matter what I am, never shoot me.

“Bite the Bullet” – Legend has it that they used to give wounded soldiers a bullet to bite on when undergoing surgical procedures before the invention of anesthesia.

Maybe I’m an idiot, but couldn’t we have found something less dangerous for these guys to stick between their clenched teeth than a live round? How about a rock? A piece of wood? An angry mongoose? I guess it wasn’t bad enough that these guys were having limbs amputated with no pain meds, we wanted to try and blow all the teeth out of their mouth as well.

“I’ll be a son of a gun” – But to be honest, I didn’t have much of a choice. My daddy really did love that female rifle of his.

“He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword” – That’s because most people die in their houses.Truth is, this expression works no matter what you live next to.

Move next to a pumpkin patch and suddenly this expressions becomes “He who lives by the gourd, dies by the gourd.”

“Let’s bury the hatchet” – and let’s hope no one around here owns a metal detector, because if they dig that thing up, our fingerprints are all over it. And blood. There’s a lot of blood on that hatchet. And maybe carving the names of our victims into the wooden handle was too much? Yeah, it probably was. So was autographing the blade in a sharpie.

You know what? Less talking, more digging.

What About You: Any expressions really silencing your gun lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today we’re focusing on a few food related expressions…

Here we go…

“It’s as easy as pie” – Is it as easy as baking a pie or as easy as eating a pie? Because baking a pie isn’t very easy. Not that I’d know because I’ve never actually done it. Because it’s hard.

But eating a pie? Easier than breathing. And arguably more important.

“Don’t cry over spilled milk” – Seriously, if you’re gonna cry, go do it somewhere else. All the leucine enkephalin in your tears mixes with the phospholipids in the milk makes it a real bear to get out of the carpets.

Go cry over the plants in the family room, they need to be watered.

“Everything from soup to nuts” – What spectrum could we possibly be talking about in which soup is all the way on one side and nuts are all the way over on the other side?

Perhaps this expression originated in the world’s first grocery store in which the canned soup aisle was along the north wall and the nuts were stacked along the south wall. And when the stock boy asked his boss which aisles needed to be swept, the manager replied, “Sweep the whole store! Everything from soup to nuts!”

“It’s hot enough to fry an egg on a sidewalk” – But how hot does it actually have to be?

…so hot that no one else is outside using the sidewalks who might step on your eggs.

…so hot that you can also toast bread on a sewer grate.

…so hot that you need to put your cup of coffee in the shade or it will evaporate into nothingness.

…so hot that if you need cheese for your omelet, you can squeeze it right out of the cow’s udders.

THAT’S how hot it is.

“He’s the bread winner of the family” – But the truth is, they’d be able to afford some meat and potatoes too if he was gainfully employed.

Heck, he doesn’t even need to get a job, he just needs to start entering contests that offer a better first prize than bread.

What About You: Any expressions really sizzling your bacon lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Today’s an all face-related batch of expressions for your sensory pleasure.

Here we go…

“I need that like I need a hole in my head”
In other words, I actually do need that pretty badly. After all, I need 7 holes in my head for my eyes, ears, nostrils, and mouth. Without them I’d probably die, or at least be miserable.

“He’s long in the Tooth”
Wait, how long has he been in the tooth? I’ve lost count at this point, but what a nightmare. When Neil was magically shrunken to the size of a Tic-Tac I thought he had seen the worst of it. But then his nemesis had him placed into a fake incisor in his mouth, where’s Neil’s been trapped ever since. All the bad breath he’s experienced.  All the biting, the burping, the grinding, the vomit, and that disgusting habit he has of chewing wheat thins into a mushy paste and then putting two new wheat things into his mouth to make a mushy paste sandwich. That is a long time to be in the tooth.

“I’m all ears”
And I’m the most disgusting human being on the face of the earth because my entire body is made out of ears. I know I’m ghastly, but must you scream so loudly? I have very sensitive hearing.

“I made it by the skin of my teeth”
No, seriously I just barely made it, and look, i barely have skin on my teeth, so the expression works. What? Why do I have a small amount of skin on my teeth? Oh, because I’m a cannibal. I eat skin. And meat. Please excuse my lack of manners, I would have flossed but I was running late.

“We’re seeing eye to eye”
And while it’s nice to be in agreement with you, the view sucks. Your iris is starting to freak me out. And every time you blink it tickles my retina in a way that makes me want to throw myself into a bonfire. Do you agree with me on that too?

What About You: Any expressions really scraping your plaque lately?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.