If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
My kids are growing so fast. Kylie turns 9 on Friday and Parker is already 7 and a half. It’s nuts.
There’s so many ways I could be a better dad, and hopefully I’m getting better as it as I go.
I thought I’d share a couple of things I’ve tried to do do well at as a parent, in hopes that it might inspire one of you to mix things up a little and get better too. Maybe you can do the same for me in the comments too.
7 Little Ways I Try to Be a Better Dad
1. I Take Time To Explain Things – One of the things I always try to do with my kids is keep them in the loop. I try to let them know the reasoning behind the decisions I make, so it feels less like I’m an authoritative dictator and more like a reasonable dude.
Of course, everyone once in a while you need to pull a “because I said so”. It’s in the by-laws or something.
2. I Use My Imagination – The next time your kids are being goofy, jump right in. If they’re coming up with ridiculous ice cream flavors, tell them you want to eat a poop and broccoli sundae.
You won’t always want to, but try to be more imaginative than your kids and they’ll love you for it.
3. I Dance Like an Idiot – We had a dance party at our house a few weeks ago and I made sure I was out there cutting it up in front of my kids. I don’t want them to be afraid of what others think, so as much as I can, I show them that it’s okay to be yourself and look ridiculous sometimes.
4. I Make Out with my Wife – I know they’re watching, so I make sure they get that constant reminder of what romantic love looks like between a married couple. (Don’t worry, just pecks in front of the kids).
But more than the kissing, it’s talking to each other with respect, going out of our way to be kind, and making each other laugh. I want them to want that in a marriage someday.
5. I’m Unpredictable – A few years ago I showed up at my mother in law’s pool after playing golf. The kids were already swimming and I was hot and sweaty, so I took my phone and wallet out of my shorts and jumped into the pool fully clothed. Parker still talks about it to this day.
I want to be a consistent parent, but I don’t want to be boring and predictable. The next time you have a little margin to be creative, ask yourself “What cool thing can I do right now that would be the LAST thing my kids would expect?” And then do it.
6. I Say I’m Sorry – Even if I had a right as a parent to be upset, I still apologize to my kids when I get angry or do something I know I shouldn’t have. Offering apologies and forgiveness is an important life skill, so I want them to get used to it from both ends by seeing me do it.
7. I Act Weird – I act weird because I am weird. My kids know that the me they see out of the house is the same one they see in the house. Again, it’s the whole “be yourself” thing.
Kylie told me yesterday, “Dad, you’re a weird dad. And I like it.”
I’m still smiling thinking about that one.
—
So my fellow parents out there, your kids might be older or younger than mine, but any small bits of wisdom you’ve been learning lately to pass on?
How about those of you with no kids yet, is there some little value or cool thing you always want to try to do with your kids someday?
let us know…
Posted by Bryan AllainTags: Parenting
I’m fully on board with the weird thing. My oldest is 12, so she should hate us right now, but for the most part, we get along pretty well because we all appreciate the art of the weird.
One thing I’ve noticed about communicating with my oldest is that I need to be open to whatever method of communication she wants to use. If we’re butting heads about something, we’ll switch to texting, even if we’re in the same room. We can do that for a while to calm down and hear each other a little better, and then we can talk a bit more rationally. I was hesitant to use things like texting or email, but honestly, they have helped us maintain a pretty solid communication, even through the tween years. It’s not perfect (!!!), but it’s been working so far!
After a complete parenting meltdown yesterday, I yelled, “What do people DO with children?”
My six-year-old calmly said, “They take them to toy stores and buy them toys.”
So. Advice from a kid. Take it for what it’s worth.
I make up totally ridiculous songs for my kids. Been doing it since my son was one (he’s 16 now). From the first song that I “wrote” about bathtime, to the most recent one about the cat (on the 4th verse of it now), the kids sing them around the house and there’s rarely a moment when there’s not a dissonant chorus being belted. My daughter told me the other day, “Oh my gosh Dad, you’re so weird.” Authenticity at its best!
Great post, Bryan. One of my rules for being a good dad is to say “Yes,” as often as possible, when they ask me to do something with them. Play the Wii with me? Yes. Jump on the trampoline with me? Yes. Read to me? Yes. Play Polly Pocket with me? (Blerg.) Yes. Help me make a really ugly picture frame with this hammer and some wood scraps? Yes.
Even if it’s the last thing I want to do. Even if I could be more productive by doing something else. I’m convinced they’ll remember the times I say YES far more than they’ll remember the times I say NO.
Jason, that’s a great one that I’ve tried to follow, too. In fact, when I get on a “No” kick, I try to stop myself as quickly as I can and get back on the “Yes” train. The more time I can actually do things with my kids means the more time they will be respectful when I need to do something that doesn’t involve them because I did something with them first. And it’s not a ploy for me to get something done – it’s simply loving them first.
I have to say that I’m jealous of dads, because it seems to me that there are fewer opportunities to say yes than no. At my house, anyway. My husband has less time with the kids, so if they’re going to hear no at all, it’s more likely to come from me. But, that said, I’m trying to say yes more often, as well, and explain why I say no as Bryan says in #1. I guess I’m looking for balance.
My role as a parent is changing as our oldest is going to middle school. I’m doing the best I can to embrace it and be open to new ways to be a better parent than I’ve tried in the past!
Love your list. My kids are grown now–youngest is 25–and they wear family weirdness as a badge of honor. I identify with all your points (and with Jon’s making up ridiculous songs). I would add:
1.) Listen respectfully to their opinions, and no matter how naive or misguided they are, don’t mock. As soon as they could talk, we let our kids explain their point of view or argue their case. If we still had to say “no,” they at least knew they’d been heard.
2.) Delight in them. This sounds obvious, but parents who are too busy or preoccupied with their own affairs to genuinely enjoy their kids’ shenanigans should not be surprised when those kids build walls later on.
3.) Along the same lines, let them know how proud you are of their accomplishments. However, I’d say do NOT overdo the “you’re the most talented, brilliant, creative, beautiful child ever born” thing. Those kids are beyond obnoxious. As a former teacher, I know.
4.) Like you said, they’re always watching. Live your faith in front of them. If you love the Word, and prayer is as natural to you as breathing, no matter how many times you stumble and have to ask their forgiveness, they’ll see God working in your life and know faith is real.
And, of course, keep being a weird, imaginative, unpredictable idiot. You’re giving your children an amazing gift.
My son is still real young, at 19 months, but I’ve been trying to let him help me around the house. I love doing projects and I want him to learn the value doing things yourself. Sure I had to rewash the fender of the car he “cleaned” with sticky hands (after he left), and I had to stop him from washing the paint with some rocks, but at least it’s time and we both laughed.
Bryan, You’ve been hitting the ball out of the park lately with your blog posts. Keep up the great work! Love your stuff over here!!
Great post! I’m single with no children, but as we’ve inched toward our 30s and begun to realize we are closer to that stage, my friends and I have spent a good bit of time debating the different parenting styles we grew up with… what worked, what didn’t… and how it affected us.
I gotta say – your list is spot on with some great universal values that I think ANY parent should try to instill in their children. Kinda wish my parents had encouraged more “weird” in me… I just found it myself and am now trying to instill that in them!
The first one isn’t because you want to be perceived that way, but because inside every engineer is a frustrated teacher.
As for the unpredictability thing, Coach K says is best when he says that leaders should be reliable but never predictable.
Being a father with 2 daughters, I make sure to tell them all the time that I love them. I do not want my girls to grow up with a daddy complex and looking for the love I’m supposed to give them from somewhere else. I hold them as often as I can. Even though my oldest is just 5, I still love it when she crawls up into my lap to sit with me.
Just like Bryan, I make sure my daughters see my wife and I kissing each other so that they understand that mommy and daddy love each other.
They also see us fight. I’m not talking “knock down, drag out” fighting, but arguments. We want them to see that even though we love each other dearly, we still disagree from time to time and that’s okay. The point is that you work through it.
Just a few things we’re doing.
I love watching you interact with your kids. You are building an amazing foundation for those upcoming tween-to-teen years when Kylie might go through an “I don’t like that” stage with you. But if you keep following your heart and this list you should do well. Even though I suspect from my observations and between the lines of your list that you also listen as well as explain, please always remember that listening is the most important gift you can give your chldren at all ages. I will always treasure the “thank you for listening to me” that I got from my teenage stepdaughter.
Rule #6–IMERATIVE! Never waiver from this! The act of humility speaks volumes and a humble posture drowns out any words you can ever speak.
My former boss/senior pastor once told me this: When raising girls, there will come a day when they’re too cool and too embarrassed to kiss you, hug you, or be affectionate with you in public–EMBARRASS THEM! They’ll come back around one day.
I’m raising two girls (13 and 10) and try to have a date night with each of them separately. Using their birthday date each month. The oldest–her b-day is on the 18th so on that date each month, or there about, I take her on a date, just her and I. Same with the youngest, the 13th we go out.
Miss reading your posts Bryan. This one was great and funny and so true. I hope that when my 10 month gets older, she will think some of the same things.
I like the one about making out with your wife. My daughter used to act funny, lately she just pretends to ignore us.
I would say, let a kid be a kid. Like play in the dirt and stuff.
Never yell at them for accidents like spilling milk or dirtying a diaper at an inconvenient time.