The Power of Bauer’s Tongue

7 Comments

Posted on Wed, Feb 17th, 2010 - 07:30 am by Bryan Allain

It’s another exclusive peak into Jack Bauer’s bible (Anti-Terrorist Edition), where he’s scrawled some notes next to one of his favorite Proverbs.

Let’s get right to it…

Proverbs 25:25 “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”

10 other things I, Jack Bauer, can do using only my tongue.

1. Break two bones.

2. Unwrap a Starburst fruit chew in 7 seconds and make an origami pheasant.

3. Summon snakes to come and strangle bad guys by whistling at an ultrasonic frequency too high for even dogs to hear, but just high enough that snakes can detect the vibration through their bellies.

4. Read the entire Bible in Braille without taking a drink of water.

5. Erode rocks and create dazzling ice sculptures.

6. Tie a cherry stem into a double knot, and then spit it out so fast that it will knock you unconscious.

7. Push against the roof of my mouth so hard that I began to cry in pain, then catch all the tears to quench my thirst.

8. Extract my own molar if a tracking device was inserted into a filling while I was knocked out.

9. Crack a sternum and spread the ribs of a man needing open heart surgery if he has information crucial to the survival of innocent American lives.

10. Make a woman fall in love with me with just one kiss.

———

If you liked this peak into Jack’s Bible, make sure you check out Jack Bauer is NOT your accountability partner and Psalm 151, A Psalm of Jack Bauer.

Posted by Bryan Allain

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Your Comments

7 Comments so far

  1. Tyler says:

    I heard he also uses it to whisper every line of every episode.

    I’m now scared that my critique of him will result in him scalping me via lick.

  2. “The Power of Bauer” ought to be the name of a new weekly series on this here blog-a-ma-jig.

    I especially like it because it sounds so eerily similar to “The Hour of Power,” one of the most misnamed events in television history.

    Good post!

  3. Shawn says:

    Combine #2 in your list with Proverbs 13:3 (Those who control their tongue will live a long life), and suddenly the inability of Jack’s enemies to take his life no longer seems like sensational television but makes perfect, Biblical sense.

  4. Staci says:

    Nice. So are you keeping up with this season? I’m super disappointed. Last season was the GREATEST. This season–not.

  5. Becky Miller says:

    The Power of Bauer. I like it.


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