Don’t ask me how, but I’ve obtained a copy of Jack Bauer’s bible.

The entire Pentateuch is nearly unreadable because of a bullet lodged between Genesis 1 and Deuteronomy 7, but I was able to read some of the notes he had scribbled throughout the scriptures.

Here’s a sample of what I found scribbled in the margins of two chapters in Proverbs :

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Proverbs 19:24 “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish; he will not even bring it back to his mouth!”

Jack’s Notes – The reason the sluggard doesn’t bring his hand back to his mouth is because I coated the bottom of the dish with homemade krazy glue made from the oil of poison sumac and raccoon saliva. The sluggard now has three options: live with a dish-hand for the rest of his life, rip his own hand off at the wrist, or let me kill him. Regardless of what he chooses, I will kill him.

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Proverbs 10:20 “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Jack’s Notes – “A few years ago in Bosnia I killed a terrorist spy with a banjo string and a bottle of Windex. Being that I was low on cash at the time and not having an intimate knowledge of Bosnia’s organ donation program, I tried to sell his heart on the black market hoping it would cover at least 6 months rent. All I ended up getting for it was a new scarf and 3 pounds of baked ham. The heart of the wicked is of little value, indeed.”

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There’s more where these came from, so let me know if you’d like me to share more.

In fact, if you give me some scripture references from the Bible, I can check to see if Jack made any notes for the that text.