You’ve seen the movie (c’mon don’t lie…we know you did), but you can’t remember a thing about it.
Have no fear, here’s the real list on how to lose a guy in 10 days.
HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS
Day 1 – Cry all day for no reason. If the crying doesn’t get him, the fact that there’s no reason for it will.
Day 2 – Take a Dump in his guitar, or whatever else he holds near and dear to his heart. This can work with a home entertainment system, a sports car, or a Macbook Pro. (And don’t go that whole “girls don’t poop” routine because we know y’all can drop bombs with the best of them. There, I said it.)
Day 3 – Mimic him like a 6-year old. It’s unbearably annoying when your kids do this for 5 seconds, imagine the torture of listening to an adult do it for an entire day. “imagine the torture of listening to an adult do it for an entire day.”
Day 4 – Tell him how attractive his friends are. And if you’re really feeling it, blow up a picture of his best friend and hang it like a poster on your side of the bedroom. This will really boost his confidence.
Day 5 – Wear his rival team’s gear. If Erica walked around the house in a Derek Jeter uniform all day, my brain would explode in a confused mess by lunchtime. (be careful with this one…if there were any hardballs lying around the house, I might subconsciously fire a fastball under her chin to send her a message without even realizing it.)
Day 6 – Get the Kate haircut. Kate plus 8 can rock the reverse mullet. You can’t.
Day 7 – Tell him he’s wicked gross. Don’t elaborate or get specific, just tell him he’s gross. From birth until 5th grade this was the highest compliment a girl could give a guy. From 6th grade on, it’s the biggest insult.
Day 8 – Adopt 12 cats. It gives me the chills just typing it. I’d rather have ants, termites or rabid wolverines in my house than cats.
Day 9 – Go on a Home Shopping Network spending spree. Watch 12 straight hours of HSN and order multiple items of every other product. Preface every purchase with comments like, “We TOTALLY need that solar powered shiatsu armpit massager” and “I have ALWAYS dreamed of owning seven Esteban classical guitars!”
Day 10 – Don’t Believe in Him. When Erica affirms me (in word or action), it makes me feel like I can run through a brick wall while writing the next great American novel and juggling 10 flaming porcupines. Nothing deflates a guy quicker than feeling like he’s got no support system, so tell him he ain’t got you babe.
I think this list is good, but I know it can be better.
I’d love to hear some better ideas from y’all in the comments.
Posted by Bryan AllainTags: relationships
I think that number one is called “Being Pregnant.” Thankfully there is a good excuse in those cases.
yeah, exactly. Being pregnant is a completely valid reason for crying all day. As is monthly hormonal changes, dealing with bad news, or a particularly moving episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
I would have agreed with your “it can be better” assumption, but you went and used the phrase “10 flaming porcupines”. After that, I got nothin’. Well done.
My girlfriend once brought another guy on our date…to my house…to watch a movie. I spent the entire 2 hours of “Armageddon” on one couch while her and the other guy sat on the other. It didn’t take 10 days for me to say goodbye. I was done before Bruce Willis died.
Day 5 is KEY, especially for the Sox fan. and now of coarse Phillies fans.
Day 8, I think I would rather have 12 angry Parrots flying around my house with nothing better to do than peck at my hair and learn curse words to embarrass me when guests come over. (that was loosely based on a true story at my Aunt’s house)LOL.
And @ David Jones….WOW! that stinks.
I don’t think it’ll work on me.
I can ignore all ten of those and keep a relationship intact. In fact, I do! I’m passive-aggressive by nature, so I don’t respond to lame attempts to act like someone wants me to go away. Quite the contrary, if you pull one of those on me, my natural inclination is to assume you’re a good actress, not that you want me to leave. *applause* Now go get your Oscar.
I have a better suggestion, and it doesn’t take ten days: Leave him. Not that he’ll shed any tears over it, but it’s direct and efficient. Guys like that direct efficiency stuff. It reaches us where we’re at.
By the way, I had no idea that Bruce Willis dies in Armageddon. Thanks a lot. Seriously.
I know how to lose a male friend in ten days: spoil the end of action movies for him.
Oh, also, for the record, bawling like a baby when Izzie has to bleed Meredith’s boyfriend to alleviate his perpetual erectile problem does not count as “crying for no reason.”
Seriously.
You forgot one on this list where she inundates him with every communication method known to man…Facebook, Twitter, streaming texts, emails, paging him (do they exist anymore?)calling him at weird hours of the day and night, constantly calling him at work, telepathy, vulcan mind control etc…I can overcome the silent treatment…the feeling as though my personal space is the size of a ziploc sandwich bag…not so much
Larry, that will stop once she gets bored. Don’t worry. It’s not permanent.
Your relationship can outlast the phase where she shows interest in you. You don’t need to fear that.
Agh! I was going to say girls don’t poop, but you had to burst that bubble! Well, I still don’t believe it.
Well, it may be snarky, but Bryan, I posted a response to this at:
http://jeffholton.livejournal.com/518487.html
Jeff, I didn’t ruin Armageddon for you. I saved you from it. If you want a real Bruce Willis action film, rent Die Hard. However if you enjoy watching Ben Affleck and terrible acting, Armageddon is your film.