Last month I shared with you a little known piece of the Old Testament, Psalm 151 – A Psalm of Jack Bauer. (Which may or may not be included in the “Secret Agent Bible” being released by ZonderHouse next year.)
This month it’s another snippet from my Old Testament According to Jack Bauer proposal.
Without further ado, I present to you…
Top 10 Reasons you DO NOT want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner.
10. He refuses to speak until he’s patted you down for hidden weapons or wiretaps.
9. Tough to keep his attention when he’s constantly downloading building schematics on his phone.
8. He can’t really sympathize with your “tough week at home with the kids” because he almost died 6 times last week, and actually did die once but was revived by a stray power line that landed in his mouth.
7. He’s got television cameras following him everywhere. And insane terrorists. And the government. And an unlucky daughter.
6. He cancels half of your meetings with text messages like “Sorry cant make mtg. Undercover in Iraqi Prison making a shiv out of stale bread. Breakfast Monday?”
5. He’s always got the scent of danger and B.O. going, and it kind of makes you throw up in your mouth a little if you get too close.
4. Impossible for him to get through a meeting without jamming a needle full of truth serum into the base of your neck, which kind of hurts.
3. Too much yelling.
2. Tough to know how to respond to, “How I’m doing with God? HOW AM I DOING WITH GOD??? I KILLED 18 PEOPLE LAST NIGHT WHO WERE TRYING TO SMUGGLE A DIRTY BOMB INTO MIAMI, AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY FATHER! THAT’S HOW I’M DOING WITH GOD!”
and finally, the #1 reason you do not want Jack Bauer as your accountability partner…
1. When he finds out you’re lying to him…and he will…you’re dead.
Posted by Bryan AllainTags: Featured, Jack Bauer, Old Testament
Ha ha, dude, that's awesome! Those are hilarious. I love number 8, 6 and 2.
"Breakfast Monday?" Greatest line in the whole piece. Number 5 kind of reminds me of Tyler this morning when we met at Chick-fil-a.
Hysterical! #2 is classic
Scariest of all is the unlucky daughter?
Love it!
LAUGHING OUT LOUD and my three year old is asking why. Sorry buddy, you just wouldn't get it. Love Psalm 151 and the Office thing as well!
That's awesome – thanks for sharing, made me laugh
I wouldn't want Jack as my accountability partner because at some point he'd "do whatever it takes" to find out if I was telling the truth about having my quiet time this morning. Plus, he's embraced Islam (just finished last season on DVD), so I don't think that would work too well.
Oh man, these were so great. I think Edgar would’ve made a good accountability partner. If he hadn’t died of noxious gas, anyway…
brilliance…
He sure puts in some long days.
I guess the only way he makes a good accountability partner is if you’re a terrorist!
This is awesome, except that Jack has technically already died twice and come back to life both times. Although that fact makes him a good accountability partner because he can honestly say he's more like Jesus than I am in that respect.
@Frank I don't think Jack embraced Islam as much as he was looking for a greater, universal meaning. It just happened that he found an imam who actually was open. I'm kind of glad they didn't write for a baptist minister in that role…
That was awesome. But, that’s why John Jocke’s my accountability partner.
Fantastic. Number 5 and number 3 had both my wife and I close to tears. And not from the scent of danger and B.O.