Sam, Chad, and Jake: Say hello to your pastor’s appreciation gift for 2009.

“Your Goattee is much more than just facial hair” … You see, that’s your first problem, right there.

Well, that, and the fact that there’s a mouthpiece.

I’m not a goatee guy, but those of you who are, is this useful or a waste of an Andrew Jackson?

Movie: Duplicity

Where We Saw It: Penn Cinemas in Lititz, PA. It was out first trip to the movie theater in a while. I can’t remember the last time we went, actually.

Food/Beverages Consumed: Junior Mints for Erica and Milk Duds for myself. And a bottled Dasani we snuck into the theater. After 4 milk duds I was regretting not going with the nachos. (Though I probably would have said the same thing about the nachos had I chosen them.)

Movie Synopsis in Twitteresque 140 characters or less: Clive Owen & Julia Roberts are secret agents involved in a secret plot. But are they secretly playing each other? Shhh. It’s a secret.

The Beginning: I don’t know, because we missed it. The movie date was a last minute thing and we got to the theater 5 minutes late. Erica went right in to get seats and I waited in line for 10 minutes to pay $5.25 for candy I could have got at Wawa for $1.89. When I sat down Erica said, “Julia Roberts and Clive Owen hooked up and then some businessmen had a meeting.” So there’s your beginning.

You should NOT see this movie if: You can’t stand Julia Roberts…You hated Ocean’s Eleven…You hate it when the plot is purposefully confusing in the middle of the movie (like the 60-year old woman next to me who told her husband “I’m not sure what’s going on” every 15 minutes)…You have vowed to never see another movie Paul Giamatti is a part of…you don’t like rooting for criminals…you have a fatal allergic reaction to the mention of Hawaiian pizza. (In which case I just killed you, and I’m sorry.)

The Ending: It was pretty good. Don’t want to ruin the movie for you, but I didn’t walk away feeling like the whole movie got jacked up by a dumb ending. Incredibly satisfying? No. But good enough.

Should You spend $25 to go see it in the theaters: No. But I’d probably say that about almost any movie.

No seriously, Should I Go See it, Rent it, or Skip it? I would say this falls pretty safely into the “rent it” category. I just wouldn’t start watching it after 10:30pm. Between the confusing (in a good way) plot and a 2-hour running time, you might not make it through the entire movie. If you’re set on going to see something at the movies, I think you can do a lot worse than this one. Just not sure it demands a trip to the theater to be seen.

Expectations Going In: I was expecting an Ocean’s Eleven type movie that was not as good as Ocean’s 11 but better than Ocean’s 12.

Cannarf Rating: I got pretty much what I was expecting on this one. I liked the fact that the plot always seemed 2 steps ahead of me, so that was a good thing. But then I felt like the ending wasn’t quite what I wanted it to be. So in the end, I’m gonna say it all evened out and I got what I expected…which in this case was a good thing. The Rating: 0 cannarfs. (what’s a cannarf?)

Have any of you seen Duplicity? If so, what’s your cannarf rating?

I’m sitting here trying to type out a blog post on Thursday night. It’s not going so well. Erica is watching Grey’s Anatomy and I can’t really concentrate on anything. It’s something I’ve learned in the past year. I can’t write with any distractions. No music, no TV in the background, nothing like that.

Since there’s no way I’m blogging about anything else tonight, might as well give you play by play…

Right now Derek Shepherd has a nice winter beard going on. McDreamy is now McBeardy. And he is talking to a fellow Doctor who is an Iraq vet about the fact that he (the vet) had a meltdown last night and started choking his girlfriend in his sleep. The choking scene was as difficult to watch as it sounds. This scene isn’t much better.

In the meantime Dr. Alex is freaking out because his girlfriend Izzy is about to undergo brain surgery for cancer. At least I think it’s cancer. A few weeks ago she was hallucinating and having pretend sex with her dead fiancee, which apparently was a side effect of the melanoma on the brain. Alex has a beard too, and now he’s crying into his beard because he’s supposed to get some of his sperm into a cup to fertilize his girlfriend’s eggs that they are going to freeze in case she makes it through the surgeries and someday they want kids. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.

Now Christina is trying to convince the Iraq vet that she’s okay with the fact the he tried to choke her in his sleep last night. And McBeardy is going through his surgical instruments in preparation of the brain surgery. He’s the one operating on Izzy, even though the last brain surgery he did didn’t go so well and he freaked out and ran out of the hospital. He’s second guessing himself, which is understandable.

Now Izzy is on the table and the doctors have scrubbed in. There’s some really haunting music playing in the background. I hope if I ever have to go in for a complicated surgery that this music isn’t playing in the O.R. I’d like something a little lighter. Maybe some island music or something.

Hey, it’s a new Dan Brown movie starring Tom Hanks! Angels and Demons! Chances of me seeing that in the theater? Negative 20%!

The surgery went well! Now McBeardy is shaving his beard, which must mean that beards are a symbol for surgeons with no confidence. Alex is crying in his beard again, but he’s bedside with his just-operated on girlfriend, so I’ll allow it. Christina is now making out with her boyfriend who tried to choke her in his sleep at the beginning of the episode. A little touching, but mostly not.

Okay, I think the episode is wrapping up now. The doctor formerly known as McBeardy has decorated the elevator with CT scans of past operations he’s done with his girlfriend Meredith as a fellow doctor. He’s about to say something important…”I’m not going to get down on one knee. I’m not going to ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Her reply…”And I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. Perhaps if I had a beard I would be crying right now, but I am clean-shaven and dry-eyed.

How about that! It’s our second proposal on this network in the past month! The first was a “real” one on The Bachelor that turned out to be fake. This one was a “fake” one that somehow felt slightly more real.

Oh, and Christina broke up with her Iraq vet boyfriend in the end. And Izzy just might recover from the surgery after all. And I think it’s time to shave and go to bed.

Or maybe I’ll take a page out of Dr. Alex’s book tonight and eschew the razor in favor of crying myself to sleep in my beard.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

They say most people fear public speaking more than death, but I’m not buying it. If that were really true, wouldn’t there be thousands of people killing themselves every year right before they were scheduled to speak?

Then again, killing yourself can be a bit messy without an adequate weapon, so maybe that’s why people decide to go out there and speak after all. Fear of messes.

In any event, one thing I’ve realized recently is I’m not afraid to speak in public. I think it’s because I’ve goofed up so many things in my life, that I really don’t care if I goof up when speaking in front of a lot of people. What’s the worst that can happen? People are going to think I’m an idiot? Well…I can live with that. (Heck, I already do.) I do get a little nervous of course, but for the most part I enjoy communicating with groups and sharing things that are on my heart, which leads me to the point of this post.

I’ve done a bit of speaking recently and I’m looking to do some more in the future. Here’s a few soundbites if you’re interested in hearing more of me talk out loud in front of an assembled group.

Here’s a 5-minute video clip from that message, talking specifically about keeping hope while we wait on God (you might remember the screencaps I took from this a few weeks ago):

If you’re considering the possibility of having me speak at your function, here’s some more info for you:

Who: I’m comfortable speaking to men’s groups, youth groups, and churches. Not really comfortable speaking to entire groups of women or transgendered folks, but I’m not ruling it out either.

What: I’ve got a handful of messages I’ve worked through recently, a few of which I’m sure would be great for your audience. They’re mostly spiritual in nature based on a biblical worldview, and they usually involve me cracking a few jokes. I can also put something together based on a specific need you might have…I’m flexible like that. If you’d rather I just read straight from the bible, talk about the Boston Red Sox, or crack jokes for 45 minutes, I’d be more than happy to do that too. I guess that means I can be hired as a reader, a sports analyst, and a bad stand-up comedian.

Why: You should bring me in to speak because I’m a skilled communicator who can connect with your audience and share truths that will help them live better. Or at the very least I’ll make them laugh. And since laughter is the best medicine, I’ll be improving their overall health and reducing their out-of-pocket medical expenses.

No Seriously, Why: Because I’m a communicator. I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, through both the written word and the spoken word. I hope some day to be doing a lot more of this, maybe even making a living from it. And if my career as a communicator were a pyramid scheme, you could book me now and get in at the top of the pyramid. Then you can quit your job and become rich.

When and Where: That’s up to you. Shoot me an email and we can discuss the particulars. Including reimbursement for my travel (if applicable) and remuneration for my services (if applicable).

Here’s the email address if you want more info: bryanallain(at)gmail.com

(and thanks for letting my shill myself for a few minutes…i appreciate it.)

5 random things for a random wednesday…

1. There’s a thousand things I love about GMail, and this is one of them. Mail Goggles. This works as a sort of filter for folks who like to send email while in an inebriated state. Are you sometimes drunk from 11pm-4am on saturday nights? Enable “Mail Goggles” during that time frame and Google will make you solve some math problems before you are allowed to send an email.

Hey, maybe we should get this feature put into cars as well?

2. I’m not sure why I play golf. I’m not that great. It’s expensive. It takes 4.5 hours to play a round. It’s frustrating. And yet, I can see April on the horizon and once again I am starting to get the itch to play. Most of the things in life that I suck at, I move on from. It’s why I don’t try to build decks, work on cars, or write music in my spare time. And yet with golf, I just keep coming back.

3. I’m getting anxious to hear something from Derek Webb’s new album in progress, Stockholm Syndrome. My sources tell me that something might be in my possession in the next few weeks. If I’m able to get my hands on anything, I’m going to try and discretely leak some of it here on the site so stay tuned.

4. For you LOST fans, check out a barely post-pubescent Daniel Faraday explaining the wonders of a Subaru in his typical Faraday-esque rambling style.

and finally…

5. My brother Jordan is moving to Hawaii!!! More on this in the next LOST podcast.