Sometimes Tyler Stanton and I get angry at people. Instead of yelling at them, we hold it in and write them letters we’ll never actually deliver because we’re punks.
These are those letters.
Dear ABC Broadcasting Company,
First it was Grey’s Anatomy, then it was Private Practice, and now this.
I see what you’re doing here.
With the debut of Off the Map last night, you’re one step closer to your goal: a weekly primetime lineup with nothing but medical dramas centered around good-looking doctors with insatiable sex drives and no consciences.
I’ve got two words for you: You win.
Angrily yours, Tyler & Bryan
PS – Just because it’s brilliant, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
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Dear Sea Salt,
Who the heck do you think you are?
For the last 100 years we didn’t care where our salt came from.
Now all of a sudden you want us to turn our noses at land salt like it’s your underachieving, no good brother?
Salt is salt, baby.
You’re nothing more than an ionic bond between sodium and chloride and don’t you EVER forget it.
Angrily yours, Tyler & Bryan
PS – just between you and me, I love your work on cashews.
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Dear Regal Movie Cinemas,
Are you really asking me to give you $4.75 in exchange for a 20-ounce bottle of water that you probably paid 20 cents for?
Your prices make airport vendors look like Dollar General.
If they gave out a Pulitzer Prize for best comedy writing of the year, I nominate your menu board.
Preposterous.
Angrily Yours, Tyler and Bryan
PS – I did buy one, but that’s not the point. I had a $10 gift card and I was thirsty.
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How about you?
You guys kill this every time we do it. Got any more angry letter you need to write?