Loose Teeth and Fake Fairies

9 Comments Posted on Mon, Feb 8th, 2010 - 09:15 am by Bryan Allain

Big weekend for the Allain household, and no I’m not talking about my first assigned writing piece getting front page love from The Daily Beast.

On Friday night Parker lost one of his front teeth!

Let’s go to the video

Going through the whole Tooth Fairy routine this weekend reminded me of a few thoughts I needed to share.

1. It is actually fun to lie to your kids – We don’t do the whole Santa Claus thing because neither of us grew up with it. So the Tooth Fairy is the only pretend being we try to pass off as real to our kids. (All my athiest readers are shouting “How about God!” at their screens right now. Settle down, atheist readers, no need to shout.)

My kids are 99.8% sure that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, but I still haven’t cracked and given in yet. It’s kind of fun to hold it over them and toy with their perception of reality.

2. The tooth exchange is surprisingly nerve-racking – Even if they’ve been sleeping for a few hours, even if I can make the switch in 10 seconds, even if it’s super dark in the room, I’m still petrified of them waking up while I’m doing the exchange and catching me in the act.

I make sure they put the tooth in a plastic baggy before it goes under the pillow so I can find it easier, but it’s still tricky. You’ve got to exchange the baggy for a buck without waking them up. Because if they catch you doing it, you’re never gonna hear the end of it. (Has this happened to anyone out there? I’d love to hear about it.)

3. Forgetting to make the exchange makes for an awful morning – Last year I completely spaced out on making the exchange for Parker’s second lost tooth. He came downstairs when he woke up looking like his world had just collapsed.

I think I came up with some story about how when the Tooth Fairy forgets a house, she usually feels bad and bring twice the money the next night. Hey, might as well start teaching the kids now that throwing more money at a problem makes it go away in case they ever want to go into politics.

4. Your kid gets a new face – Especially great if it’s one of their front teeth. Then you get a slightly different voice too.

5. Giving the tooth back is a whole other story – So the kids want their teeth  back to add them to their teeth collection. But the tooth fairy has them. What to do? Concoct an elaborate story about how I got the tooth back from the fairy?

Not really.

I just tell them that after the tooth fairy makes the exchange she drops the tooth off in my closet. I mean, what else was she supposed to do with it?

What about you: Any stories from childhood or parenting involving losing teeth?

Were you one of those kids who tried to yank the sucker out way before it was ready or did you wait until it was hanging by one strand of gum tissue before pulling it out?

Filed in ... Humor

I’m Right Here. And I Always Will Be.

36 Comments Posted on Fri, Feb 5th, 2010 - 08:00 am by Bryan Allain

This post is for 5 specific people.

1. Anyone who has a DVR and hasn’t watched an actual commercial since 2006.

2. My friend Shawn who is not watching TV for the entire year, and blogging about it here: ShawnSmucker.blogspot.com

(Shawn’s a good guy and a great writer who’s ghost-written a couple books already in his young writing career. You should absolutely check out his blog.)

3. Tripp Crosby, who loves commercials and is also a good video editor. Perhaps he can explain the vocal changes.

4. Anyone who reads the Daily Beast on Sunday because it should have my first ever assigned writing story. Here’s the Link.

5. Anyone who didn’t fit into #1-#4. Because this commercial is too amazing for anyone to miss. Seriously, every time it comes on Erica and I watch it 2 or 3 times and laugh until we cry.

What are the chances this guy brutally kills this woman before dawn? 99% or 100%?

Enjoy.

PS…Leave your Super Bowl Picks in the comments, including final scores. Closest guess will win a prize from the incredibly lame BryanAllain.com prize stash.

Filed in ... Humor, Videos

When Push Comes To Shove

10 Comments Posted on Thu, Feb 4th, 2010 - 08:00 am by Bryan Allain

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Here we go…

“When push comes to shove” – It’s like a cute little story that you forgot to finish.

“One day when push came to shove’s house, they had a big fight because neither of them wanted to be the one who sat on the swing.

The End.”

And when you think about it, is there really that big of a distinction between pushing and shoving?

I’d argue the words are interchangeable, and If you don’t agree I might push you

…and if you still don’t agree then I might even shove you.

“Nose to the grindstone” – Such a bloody, gruesome, painful way to say you’re gonna work hard.

Although with a nose like mine, losing an inch or two off the ole schnoz might not be a bad idea.

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat” – Nope, pretty sure there’s just one.

Take a knife or some other sharp blade and peel the skin away from it’s carcass.

That’s it. That’s the list.

“Vanish into thin air” – The word ‘thin’ must have had a great agent to have received placement in this expression.

I mean, other than this cliché and any sporting event played in Denver, when was the last time you described air as thin?

Besides, vanishing into the air is impressive enough, does it really matter if it’s thin or not?

“I’ll make him cry uncle” – Because the first thing I think of when I’m in a lot of pain and want someone to stop hurting me is my father’s brother.

What About You: Any expressions chapping your hide?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Filed in ... Humor

A Little More About You

43 Comments Posted on Wed, Feb 3rd, 2010 - 08:00 am by Bryan Allain

Last week’s reader survey went over well, so let’s try another one…

here’s a few questions (taken from my buddy Jason Boyett) to help us all get to know each other better.

1. What was your first job?

2. What is your job/career now?

3. If you could be doing anything else with your life — money’s not an issue — what would it be and why?

Leave your 3 answers in the comments…

and as always, thanks for reading a being a part of this community.

It’s fun to get to know more about you all.

PS…LuLu is running a 15% off sale today (Feb 3). You can get the printed version of my Yearbook for just $8.49 when you click here type enter coupon code SHADOW at checkout.

Filed in ... Readers