The Proof is in the Pudding

4 Comments Posted on Thu, Mar 18th, 2010 - 09:57 am by Bryan Allain

Welcome to Cliche Thursday, where each week we deconstruct 5 expressions that we’ve all become a little too familiar with and ask you for some of your own least favorites.

Here we go…

“You hit the nail on the head” – in other words, “congratulations. you did something that even my 7-year old can do 9 times out of 10 with his eyes closed. You are not special.”

“A penny for your thoughts” – because I cherish your opinions and equate them with the honor and valor bestowed upon Abraham Lincoln, whose face adorns this zinc and copper circle.

Speak to me with the same wisdom and power that our 16th president manifested and I shall listen intently, satisfied with the fact that I am learning from you and that I am no longer carrying around such a worthless coin.

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles” – yeah, actually that’s the way everything crumbles.

Big pieces become smaller pieces which become little bits of cookie dust that you hate to see go to waste so you lick your thumb and press it into the cookie dust and stick your thumb into your mouth, only your wife is not amused because she saw you do it, and so did the company we had over for dinner. oh well. that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

“It’s nothing to write home about” – Since the invention of the telephone this expression now applies to everything in the entire world. #EXTINCT

“The proof is in the pudding” – and suddenly this has turned into the greatest day ever in the life on this CSI agent.

Last week the proof was in puddle of blood. The week before that it was at the bottom of shallow grave. And don’t get me started on the septic tank debacle of ‘96. But mmm…pudding.

What About You: Any expressions really toasting your buns?

Add them to the list so we can skewer them in the coming weeks.

Filed in ... Humor

Books I Didn’t Write #002

6 Comments Posted on Wed, Mar 17th, 2010 - 08:00 am by Bryan Allain

Books I Didn’t Write is a recurring gag here at the blog. I take a random picture, come up with a title, and then write up a fake review.

Yes, it is as dumb as it sounds.

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The Day the Sun Cried

by Bryan Allain

———————————————————

Publisher: Muggsy Bogues Press

Status: In Mourning

For Fans of: overcast skies, sadness, boiling tears, weeping, emptiness, brevity, attention deficit disorder, and saline eye rain.

Summary: A collection of Bryan Allain’s shortest stories. Some are only 40 syllables long. Others are wordless.

What People Are Saying:

“Drink lots of water with this one because if the tears you shed don’t dehydrate you, the heavy breathing will.”

“The most efficient stories I’ve ever read. Not a space or a comma was wasted in these precious literary gems. I’d say more, but I’ve already said too much.”

“These stories are so short, they couldn’t even ride the teacups at Disneyland.”

Book Excerpts:

“Fred’s third arm grew at twice the rate of the rest of his body. His decision to model outerwear, while initially frowned upon by his family, turned out to be the best thing for him. But only because it forced him to cut off his third arm.”

“As her body was lowered into the ground, her spirit floated above the funeral service in peaceful solitude.  Had she not been so excited about the fact that she could physically see thought bubbles as a dead person, she might have been mad enough to haunt her nephew Jimmy for thinking about the Steelers during her funeral. But wow, visible thought bubbles.”

“Green scarf. Made to fend off boredom. Shelved to avoid clutter. Thrown out to clear closet space. Rotting in a landfill for all eternity next to a Dasani bottle. Mother earth chokes.”

Awards: Book Book of the Year – InstantGratification.com

People Who Liked This Book Also Enjoyed:

• Quick Bathroom Reading for Fun and Hemorrhoid Avoiding
  
• 101 Stories Shorter than War and Peace
  
• The Idiot’s Guide To Writing Without Words
  
• Twilight
• Ninja Quest 2: Riding the Solar Flare
  

If you want to play along, feel free to submit a book report on this masterpiece in the comments section.

You can check out past Books I Didn’t Write here.

Filed in ... Humor

LOST Thoughts: Season 6, Episode 7

6 Comments Posted on Tue, Mar 16th, 2010 - 09:56 am by Bryan Allain

(If you don’t watch LOST, these posts will be torturous to you. I apologize in advance. Just skip them and come back on Wednesdays, where I will try to make it up to you.)

10 quick things I thought of while watching episode 7 of LOST’s final season, “Dr. Linus”.

—————–

Season 6, Episode 7, “Dr. Linus”

10 Observations/Questions/Thoughts

1. Live by the gas, die by the gas. Love how in the sideflash Ben used gas to help his dad (his oxygen tank), instead of kill him like he did in the original timeline when he gassed him in the van. Roger Linus talks about wishing he could have stayed on the island with DHARMA, wondering if Ben would have become more than just an under appreciated history teacher. Lucky for us, we know what Ben would become….a manipulative, power-hungry man.

But perhaps there is hope for Ben yet? Something begins to click in him when Miles tells him that Jacob did believe in him right up until Ben chose to kill him. And later when Ilana forgives him, he finally puts his gun down. Those were some great scenes.

2. Another episode, another character sees their reflection in a mirror. This time it was Ben in the microwave door making a meal for his dad.

And for those who need a timeline refresher on Ben and “the incident”, I believe this is what happened…

+ young Ben was shot by Sayid (the day before they started evacuating people off the island because of the pocket of energy they were about to drill into)

+ Richard took him into the temple to save him

+ Young Ben is saved and then Widmore tells him he will have to go back and live with his father.

+ The next day Widmore takes him back to Dharmaville (I’m supposing)

+ Later that day Roger Linus shoots Sayid, screaming “You’re the son of a…who shot my kid”.

+ We have our incident and diverting timelines, one in which Ben and dad stay on the island (Timeline A)…one in which they leave the island before it sinks (Timeline B).

3. Still no Desmond? Arggg. Probably the most frustrating thing about the season for me.

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Filed in ... Pop Culture

Advertising Brilliance #002 & #004

9 Comments Posted on Mon, Mar 15th, 2010 - 09:52 am by Bryan Allain

I recently realized I was born to be in advertising. It’s only a matter of time before every major ad firm is begging me to join their staff and every major company is on my doorstep asking me to hock their wares.

Please don’t be alarmed by the sheer genius and awe-inducing power of what you’re about to see. And please don’t try to donate money to me for sharing these…I’ll be dropping these on you pro bono every week until I get hired to do this full time. It shouldn’t take long…

(to help you cope with the daylight savings time adjustment, here’s 2 new editions)

and if you can’t see these in your reader, click here.

If you’re an ad agency and you want some of this, it’s bryanallain-at-gmail.com.

If you’re a company with a product to sell, ditto.

I’m changing the game…we are all witnesses.

ps…I skipped over edition #003 because that one deserves it’s own post next week.

Filed in ... Humor, Videos