How Not To Record A Voicemail Greeting

15 Comments Posted on Fri, Jul 30th, 2010 - 10:08 am by Bryan Allain

No one likes recording a voicemail greeting.

You desperately want to get it right the first time, because you ARE NOT the kind of person who re-records their greeting 9 times until it sounds just right.

I refuse to be that shallow!

But at the same time, you really do want to get it right. So this happens…

Attempt #1 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you. And then you listen to it and realize you were talking just a little too fast. And what’s with the “after the beep” thing? Isn’t that understood at this point?

Attempt #2 – Hey this is Bryan…leave me a message…and I’ll get back to you when I can. Okay, that was a little TOO slow. Sounded like a pre-recorded ransom note. A little too Mel Gibson-ish.

Attempt #3 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I get around to it. When I get around to it??? Who am I, Simon Cowell? And who gave me permission to start going off-script?

Attempt #4 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can. Have a great day! Wow, I overcompensated with the niceness WAY too much. Have a great day? What am I, a Wal-Mart greeter? And did I really need to squeeze a “try” in there? Is it that hard to get back in touch with someone that there’s a chance I could try and fail?

Attempt #5 – Hey this is Bryan, I can’t come to the phone right now, but you can leave me a message and why did I say that I couldn’t come to the phone right now, does anyone really care why i didn’t pick up… Let’s try that again.

Attempt #6 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I freaking want to. How does THAT make you feel, sucker? What are you gonna do now, go cry to your mommy? Okay, that was as funny as I thought it would be. Sadly, I can’t use it because I don’t have the balls to leave it on there.

Attempt #7 – Hey this is Bryan, leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. The script was perfect, but my gosh, how is it possible for someone to sound so pathetic in less than 20 words? If I was a caller, I would just hang up on me and permanently delete my contact info and all memories of me from my entire life. I really should have used the first recording.

Attempt #8 – Hey this is Bryan, hope you’re having a great day. Leave me a message, and I’ll get back to you soon. Thanks, bye. Hope you’re having a great day? Saying “thanks” and “bye”? What am I, your overbearing mother? Maybe I should have thrown an “I love you so much, pumpkin!” in there too. Geesh.

Attempt #9 – Hey, this is Bryan, leave me a message after the beep. Screw it, I’m using it.

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So let us know in the comments…Are you a once and done voicemail greeting recorder? Or do you go a few rounds to get it just right?

Oh, and have you ever left a message on someone’s voicemail and then listened to it, hated it, and re-recorded it? Yeah, me either.

Coming Monday…the 10 worst voicemail greetings to have on your phone.

Filed in ... Humor

10 Years of Cellphones

32 Comments Posted on Thu, Jul 29th, 2010 - 09:51 am by Bryan Allain

It’s been what, 10 years now that we’ve all been carrying cell phones?

Well, here’s what I think I’ve learned in the last 10 years.

10 Things I’ve learned about cellphones

#1 – Antennas should not protrude several inches higher than the phone. And it DEFINITELY shouldn’t be one of those flimsy ones you have to pull up to get better reception. And it MOST DEFINITELY shouldn’t be built into the frame of the phone so that it experiences signal loss from holding it like a normal human. (That being said, I LOVE my iPhone 4)

#2 – The bluetooth earpiece is definitely not cool. A good accessory for the car? Absolutely. A lifesaver for someone who spends all day on the phone? Sure. But cool? Nope. The exact opposite, actually.

#3 – The only thing less cool than the bluetooth earpiece is the belt holster. Listen dude, phones are small enough now to fit comfortably into any pair of jeans you can find in the men’s section. I’d rather you wear your phone in a bedazzled fanny pack than in a belt holster.

#4 – Using anything other than a ring tone for your ring tone is a mistake. No matter how funny/cool/appropriate your song ring tone is, your phone is going to ring around people who just won’t get it. Then you’re stuck saying things like, “Yeah…I’ve always been a Stones fan” or “Why does my ring tone sound like Jock Jams? It’s a long story”. Custom ring tones are like custom license plates. Seems like a cool idea at first, but never lives up to its potential. Trust me, just go with Marimba.

#5 – Signs at the Doctor’s Office are to be ignored. Any sign that says “Please refrain from using cellular devices in this office” might as well say “Throw your cellphone on the ground and take a dump on it”. No chance I’m honoring your unreasonable signage.

#6 – Don’t hate someone for using their phone to its full potential. If we’re at dinner and there’s an intense argument happening over how old Snoop Dogg is, I am ABSOLUTELY going to take 45 seconds to google the answer on my phone. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. Moments like those are the exact reason I pay for the data plan. (and for the record, Snoop is 38.)

#7 – When a phone falls out of your pocket in the car, it immediately shrinks and lubricates itself to be able to fall through the tiniest of cracks so it can settle somewhere where it cannot be reached without pulling over and moving the front seat. You’re nodding your head right now, aren’t you?

#8 – The “I never got your text” defense immediately destroys your credibility. You ALWAYS get my texts. Phone companies kinda have the ‘delivering the text to the right phone’ thing down at this point. I’d rather you just tell me the truth: “From the moment i saw that you texted me, I knew with 100% certainty I would never reply.”

#9 – The least important thing my phone does is make calls. It’s much more important as a gaming device, a camera, a video camera, a GPS device, an iPod, a gaming device, a google machine, an email checker, and a Twitter updater. The phone calls are just icing on the cake.

#10 – The cellphone is one of the best diversion devices ever invented. There’s nothing better than avoiding an awkward conversation or greeting by putting your phone up to your ear and having a fake conversation. Gotta be honest here, I’m AWESOME at having fake conversations. I think I’m better at pretend conversations than real ones, though I’m not sure if that’s something I should be proud of.

What about You?

Anything you’ve learned about cellphones over the past 10 years you’d like to share?

Filed in ... Humor

The Ad Brilliance Exchange

4 Comments Posted on Wed, Jul 28th, 2010 - 07:43 am by Bryan Allain

Want to choose the product for my next Ad Brilliance video?

Then read on for more info on how to win that priceless gift. (worth approximately 4200 rupees in the original Zelda game)

In the meantime…I’m very excited to announce a new venture here on the blog.

Introducing the Advertising Brilliance Exchange.

Here’s the basic premise.

• YOU have a product/event that you want people to know about.
• I have readers who might want a piece of your product/event.
• YOU would like advertising for your thing, but don’t want another mortgage.
• I would like my readers to get a discount and some freebies because they are awesome.
• YOU hire me to create an ad(s) for your thing.
• I agree to do it in exchange for free and discounted things for my readers.

For instance,

You’re an author with a new book you just wrote? Send me some free copies to give out to my readers and I’ll put together a mind-blowing ad that you can email to your entire address book, throw on your Facebook page, and post on your blog.

You’re in charge of promoting a conference? Give my readers a nice discount or give away a free admission and I’ll put together a video that will make the Old Spice guy put some clothes on in shame.

You’re an artist with a new CD out? Read the thing up there for authors, I’m too busy making amazing videos to replicate that junk.

What is Advertising Brilliance?

It’s a series of videos I’ve put together blowing minds while selling amazing products. (The previous statement was NOT endorsed by the FDA or Ron Popeil).

Here’s a list of all the products I’ve “sold” so far: Clorox Wipes, Capri Sun, Good Neighbor Pharmacy Stool Softener, NeilMed Sinus Rinse, Harmony Remotes, Nike sneakers, Sure deodorant, Jif peanut butter, black eyed peas, my own website, and Ivory Soap.

Want more Info?

Shoot me an email at bryanallain(at)gmail.com and we’ll make some magic happen.

Just remember, the more you can offer my readers, the better chance you have of striking a deal with me. We will barter like the olden days of yore to ensure it’s a win-win for all of us.

Want to inspire the next Ad Brilliance spot?

2 lucky folks will get to choose the next item up for bids on Ad Brilliance. To win that honor, leave a comment to this post and tell us one of your favorite (or least favorite) commercials from TV the past decade. That’s it.

I’ll randomly select 2 winners from the comments next week, and I’ll get in touch with the winners to find out what product they want me to hock.

Your ad brilliance commercial can be about anything from your own blog to a blade of grass to a holocaust cloak to your favorite indie artist. Heck, it can be about you for all I care. (I reserve the right to say “no” to your choice, but it would have to be pretty ridiculous for me to veto it).

What do you do next?

If you’re a reader who would like to inspire my next random Ad Brilliance video, leave a comment.

And if you’re a creator looking for an out of the box way to spread the love, hit me up via electronic mail at bryanallain(at)gmail.com and we can craft some ad voodoo.

Looking forward to working with some of you on this!

Filed in ... Miscellaneous

A Day in the Life

7 Comments Posted on Tue, Jul 27th, 2010 - 07:14 am by Bryan Allain

The first time I saw Carlos Whittaker do this on his blog, I knew I wanted to do my own.

I didn’t adhere to the 90-second time limit that the official Flickr group does, because, well, I just didn’t feel like it. Plus it was a really busy day.

I got up at 6:00am, posted a blog post, went to work, went to worship team practice, went to a softball game, chilled with Erica, and then went to bed around 11:45pm. But for you, I shrunk those 18 hours into 2.5 minutes.

Here’s a day in my life, condensed into 141 seconds.

(if you can’t see the video in your feed reader, click here)

I’d love to see some of you guys try to do one of these.

Next time you have a busy day on the schedule, whip out your phone and show us a day in your life.

Filed in ... Videos